https://static.banky.club/seriousposter/spc-movies.txt
https://static.banky.club/seriousposter/spc-movies.txt


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Shit we've watched for SPC Movie Night:

* indicates a spontaneous GARBAGE DAY viewing


Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Screaming Skull (1958 / 1998)
Gunbuster (1988)
Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)
Street Fighter (1994)
Miami Connection (1987)
Star Virgin (1988) [This was not porn, I swear]
Italian Spiderman (2007)
Fight Club (1999)
Dead or Alive (2006)
The Truman Show (1998)
Duel (1971)
Dirty Work (1998)
Zardoz (1974)
The Street Fighter (1974)
Predator (1987)
Demolition Man (1993)
The Gift (2003)
Pass-Thru (2016)
Aliens (1986)
Team America: World Police (2004)*
They Live (1988)*
Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (1994)
Mortal Kombat (1995)
Network (1976)
Robocop (1986)*
Idiocracy (2006)*
Batman (1989)
Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)*
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)*
Escape from New York (1981)
Kung Fury (2015)
WarGames (1983)
Grizzly Man (2005)
The Big Lebowski (1998)*
Troll 2 (1990)
Beautiful Teacher in Torture Hell (1985)*
Castlevania (2017)
Blue Velvet (1986)
Spider-Man (2002)*
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Death Wish (1974)
Redline (2009)
Gymkata (1985)
Communion (1989)
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)
Mad Bull 34 (1990)*
American Psycho (2000)
The Red Pill (2016)
The Devil's Rejects (2005)
A Boy and His Dog (1975)
True Stories (1986)
Gargoyles (1972)
Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture (1994)*
Violence Jack: Evil Town (1988)*
Digital Devil Story: Megami Tensei (1987)*
Dominion Tank Police (1988)*
Goodfellas (1990)
The Hobbit (1977)
Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem (2003)*
The Return of the King (1980)*
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)*
The Thing (1982)
Stand By Me (1986)
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Watership Down (1978)
The Fly (1986)
Fright Night (1985)
Beetlejuice (1988)
Hellraiser (1987)
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)*
From Beyond (1986)*
Total Recall (1990)
Lethal Weapon (1987)
Spider-Man 2 (2004)*
Snatch (2000)*
Scrooged (1988)
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
Home Alone (1990)
It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
Die Hard (1988)
A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Surviving Edged Weapons (1988)*
Flash Gordon (1980)
Blade (1998)
Mystics in Bali (1981)*
Strangers with Candy (2005)* [CUT SHORT, FUCK THIS SHIT]
Dirty Harry (1971)* [Not a garbage movie, but got the taste of the previous movie out]
Heavy Metal (1981)
The Belko Experiment (2016)
Pumping Iron (1977)
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)*
Porky's (1981)*
The Elephant Man (1980)
Death Becomes Her (1992)*
Wayne's World (1992)
Ravenous (1999)*
The Last Unicorn (1982)
Falling Down (1993)
Rollerball (1975)
Spawn (1997)
Hey Arnold: The Jungle Movie (2017)
Space Jam (1996)
C.H.U.D. (1984)*
The Warriors (1979)*
Versus (2000)*
Wild Zero (1999)*
A Goofy Movie (1995)
An Extremely Goofy Movie (2000)
Planet of the Apes (1968)
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) [For like 10 minutes, lol]
The Godfather (1972)
Waco: The Rules of Engagement (1997)* [Stopped after 20 minutes, too depressing]
The Green Mile (1999)*
Animal Farm (1954)
Under Siege (1992)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Matinee (1993)
The Emoji Movie (2017)*
Super Mario Bros. (1993)*
Faust (2000)*
The Terminator (1984)
Cool Hand Luke (1967)
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (2007)
Galaxy Quest (1999)
The Last Starfighter (1984)
Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
Ed Wood (1994)
Child's Play (1988)*
Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
Titan A.E. (2000)
Starchaser (1985)
Black Panther (2018)*
The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980)*
The Patriot (2000)*
Jodorowsky's Dune (2013)
Donnie Darko (2001, Director's Cut)
Videodrome (1983)
Tremors (1990)
Punisher War Zone (2008)
Independence Day (1996)
Top Gun (1986)* [Skipped after 30 minutes. What a bore.]
The Wicker Man (2006)*
Con Air (1997)
Commando (1985)
Akira (1988)*
Project A-Ko (1986)*
The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (2004)*
Tropic Thunder (2008)
UHF (1989)
Taken (2008)
Shrek (2001)
Edge of Tomorrow (2014)*
Jack Reacher (2012)*
The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
The Room (2003)
Clerks (1994)
Hackers (1995)
Starship Troopers (1997)
The Adventures of Milo & Otis (1986)
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
Smokey and the Bandit (1977)
The Lord of the Rings (1978)
The Covenant (2006)*
Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)*
Speed (1994)
Dororo (2007)*
Your Name (2016)*
Scarface (1983)
It Follows (2014)
Maximum Overdrive (1986)*
It (2017)
The Addams Family (1991)
Army of Darkness (1992)
Antiviral (2012)
Psycho (1960)*
Psycho II (1983)*
Creepshow (1982)*
Silent Hill (2006)
Event Horizon (1997)
Hacksaw Ridge (2016)
Hausu (1977)*
Jaws (1975)
Vampire Hunter D (1985)*
Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000)*
Willow (1988)
The Witches (1990)
Life on the Line (2015)*
Bad Santa (2003)
Die Hard 2 (1990)
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Krampus (2015)
Santa with Muscles (1996)
Jingle All the Way (1996)
The Santa Clause (1994)
Twelve Monkeys (1995)
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Police Story (1985)
Breathless (1960)
Drunken Angel (1948)
American Sniper (2014)
God Speed You! Black Emperor (1976)
The Wave (1981)
Stalker (1979)*
Petey Wheatstraw the Devil's Son in Law (1977)*
Precious (2009)*
Get Out (2017)
Boo! A Madea Halloween (2016)
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)*
Ghost Dad (1990)
Rush Hour (1998)
Boss Nigger (1975)*
Black Knight (2001)*
Friday (1995)
Next Friday (2000)
Friday After Next (2002)
White Man's Burden (1995)*
Theodore Rex (1995)*
Shaft (1971)
The Wiz (1978)
Dolemite (1975)*
Tyson (2008)*
Mazes and Monsters (1982)
Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
Chungking Express (1994)
The Protector (2005)
Cobra (1986)
Casino (1995)
Casino Royale (2006)
Brazil (1985)
Forrest Gump (1994)
Phantasm (1979)*
Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
Constantine (2005)*
Outlaw King (2018)
Traxx (1988)*
Memento (2000)
The Iron Giant (1999)
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
K-ON! Movie (2011)*
Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade (1999)*
Cruising (1980)
Old Yeller (1957)
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
Bee Movie (2007)
Wall-E (2008)
Bicycle Thieves (1948)
Kramer vs Kramer (1979)
The Lego Batman Movie (2017)
Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)*
Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)*
The Fifth Element (1997)
Groundhog Day (1993)
The Shining (1980)
Chameleon (1998)
Hero (2002)
A Separation (2011)
Back to the Future (1985)
Full Contact (1992)
Back to the Future Part II (1989)
Back to the Future Part III (1990)
Hot Fuzz (2007)
Blazing Saddles (1974)
Bio-Dome (1996)*
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)*
Cool as Ice (1991)
Vampire's Kiss (1988)
Summer Wars (2009)
First Blood (1982)
The Dark Crystal (1982)
Friday the 13th (1980)*
Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)*
Friday the 13th Part III (1982)*
Hocus Pocus (1993)
Soylent Green (1973)
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)*
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)*
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)*
The Exorcist (1973)
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) (Remastered version)
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood 1988)*
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)*
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)*
Se7en (1995)
Demons (1985)
Jason X (2002)*
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)*
Friday the 13th (2009)*
Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
Oldboy (2003)
Strike Witches the Movie (2012)*
Battle Angel Alita OVA (1993)*
M.D. Geist (1986)*
Halloween (1978)*
Happy Gilmore (1996)
Double Dragon (1994)*
Super Mario Brothers: Peach-hime Kyuushutsu Daisakusen (1986)*
A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Howard the Duck (1986)
Airplane! (1980)
Despicable Me (2010)
Office Space (1999)
Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Gremlins (1984)
Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)
Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)
Speed Racer (2008)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
Persepolis (2007)
Arena (1989)
Joker (2019)
Cuck (2019)
Rurouni Kenshin: Meiji Kenkaku Romantan - Tsuioku-hen (1999) [AKA Samurai X: Trust & Betrayal]
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Bad Boys (1995)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
Boyz n the Hood (1991)
The Last King of Scotland (2006)
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Duck Soup (1933)
City Lights (1931)
The General (1926)
Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
Asterix and Cleopatra (1968)
Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)
Pulp Fiction (1994)*
Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Annie Hall (1977)
Downfall (2004)
Up in Smoke (1978)*
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)*
Highlander (1986)
The Ewok Adventure (1984)
Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985)
Dragon Ball: Sleeping Princess in Devil's Castle (1987)
Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone (1989)
Dragon Ball Z: The History of Trunks (1993)
The Matrix (1999)
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Shaolin Soccer (2001)
Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)
Ghost (1990)
Equilibrium (2002)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Batman & Robin (1997)
Apollo 13 (1995)
The Wrestler (2008)
Gran Torino (2008)
Hard Boiled (1992)
Wizardry (1991)
The Devil's Double (2011)
Crocodile Dundee (1986)
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974)
A Few Good Men (1992)
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
Bill & Ted Face The Music (2020)
Easy Rider (1969)
John Carter (2012)
The Toxic Avenger (1984)*
Twisted Pair (2018)*
The Mummy (1999)
The Mummy Returns (2001)
The Ring (2002)
Perfect Blue (1997)
Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (2006)
Hausu (1977)
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994)
127 Hours (2010)
The Book of Life (2014)
The VVitch (2015)
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
Cliffhanger (1993)
Battlefield Earth (2000)
The Mask (1994)
The Jerk (1979)
Robot Jox (1989)
Hook (1991)
Uncut Gems (2019)
Christmas Evil [AKA You Better Watch Out] (1980)
Blind Fury (1989)
The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
Big Money Hustlas (2000)
8 Mile (2002)
Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984)
Porco Rosso (1992)
The Big Short (2015)
Coming to America (1988)
White Chicks (2004)
Da Sweet Blood of Jesus (2014)
Black Like Me (1964)
Coonskin (1974)
Temple Grandin (2010)
The Holy Mountain (1973)
The Road Warrior (1981)
Barton Fink (1991)
Rubber (2010)
Hellraiser II: Hellbound (1988)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Ghost in the Machine (1993)
Minority Report (2002)
Bloodsport (1988)
City of God (2002)
Phantom of the Paradise (1974)
The Blood of Heroes (1989)
Gladiator (2000)
Gods and Monsters (1998)
Party Monster (2003)
Shanghai Joe (1974)
Branded (2012)
Exhibit A (2007)
Rollercoaster (1977)
Grandma's Boy (2006)
Alien (1979)
Alien Autopsy (2006)
Fire In the Sky (1993)
They Were 11 / 11-nin Iru! (1986)
Signs (2002)
Enemy Mine (1985)
Galaxy of Terror (1981)
District 9 (2009)
Hardcore Henry (2015)
Runaway Jury (2003)
The Egyptian (1954)
Unknown Soldier (2017)
Ace Attorney / Gyakuten Saiban (2012)
Hardcore (1979)
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
Rambo III (1988)
Wag the Dog (1997)
God's Not Dead (2014)
Dredd (2012)
Toys (1992)
Liquid Sky (1982)
Slacker (1991)
Baoh (1989)
Postal (2007)
The Raid: Redemption (2012)
Runaway Train (1985)
I Saw the Devil (2010)
Serial Experiments Lain (1998)
Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984)
The Wicker Man (1973)
Leprechaun (1993)
House of the Dead (2003)
Scream (1996)
The Witches (1990)
Dune (1984)
Breach (2007)
Raging Bull (1980)
Clue (1985)
Amagi: Brilliant Park (2014)
Mr. Bean's Holiday (2007)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Joyeux Noel (2005)
Black Christmas (1974)*
Jingle All the Way (1996)
Wings of Honneamise (1987)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
eXistenZ (1999)
Bubblegum Crisis (1987)
This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Waterworld (1995)
Twilight (2008)
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Zoolander (2001)
Indecent Proposal (1993)
The Nutty Professor (1996)
Space is the Place (1974)
Snow on tha Bluff (2011)
Zulu (1964)
Ray (2004)
Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
Undercover Brother (2002)
Tales from the Hood (1995)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Ocean's Eleven (1960)
Lupin III - The Castle of Cagliostro (1979)
Red Dawn (1984)
The Italian Job (1969)
The War Wagon (1967)
Inception (2010)
Lupin III - The Fuma Conspiracy (1987)
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)
Repo Man (1984)
The Brothers McMullen (1995)
Fight, Zatoichi, Fight (1964)
Look Who's Back (2015)
Half Baked (1998)
Arrival (2016)
The Protector 2 (2013)
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Meet the Feebles (1989)
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Children of Men (2006)
Weird Science (1985)
The Blues Brothers (1980)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Tread (2020)
Taxi Driver (1976)
1776 (1972)
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
The Powerpuff Girls Movie (2002)
Cool World (1992)
Spelunker Is a Teacher (2011)
The Bullet Train (1975)
Riding Bean (1989)
Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)
No Game No Life Zero (2017)
Love Live! The School Idol Movie (2015)
Fist of the North Star (1986)
Wicked City (1987)
Venus Wars (1989)
Gantz: O (2016)
Spirited Away (2001)
Iria: Zeiram The Animation (1994)
Ranma ½: Nihao My Concubine (1992)
Oni (1972)
Angel's Egg (1985)
Is It Wrong to Expect a Hot Spring in a Dungeon? (2016)
Black Magic M-66 (1987)
Ghost in the Shell (1995)
Voices of a Distant Star (2002)
Shin Godzilla (2016)
Godzilla (1954)
Billy Madison (1995)
Reign Over Me (2007)
Final Destination (2000)
Bordello of Blood (1996)
Final Destination 2 (2003)
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Interview With the Vampire (1994)
Nosferatu (1922)
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Vampires (1998)
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Dracula (1992)
The Thing From Another World (1951)
House of Wax (1953)
House of Wax (2005)
The Fly (1958)
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Friday the 13th (2009)
The Evil Dead (1981)
Evil Dead (2013)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Poltergeist (1982)
Aloha (2015)
The Crow (1994)
Hot Shots! (1991)
The Right Stuff (1983)
BASEketball (1998)
Major Payne (1995)
DragonHeart (1996)
Patlabor the Movie (1989)
Miami Vice (1984, S01E01)
Dark Dungeons (2014)
Call Me Tonight (1986)
Men In Black (1997)
Men In Black II (2002)
A Christmas Story (1983)
Men In Black 3 (2012)
The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)
Terror Train (1980)
Timecop (1994)
Space Cop (2016)
Barbarella (1968)
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954)
Kingdom of Heaven (2005, Director's Cut)
Mulan (1998)
Macross: Do You Remember Love? (1984)
Wild Wild West (1999)
Song of the South (1946)
Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (1996)
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (1967)
Doctor Dolittle (1998)
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
Glory (1989)
I'm Gonna Git You Sucka (1988)
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)
Fantastic Planet (1973)
Logan's Run (1976)
Primer (2004)
Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995)
American History X (1998)
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)
Dead Leaves (2004)
End of Evangelion (1997)
Jacob's Ladder (1990)
The Naked Gun (1988)
High Fidelity (2000)
Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm (2022)
Face/Off (1997)
Jurassic Park (1993)
Carnosaur (1993)
Stalag 17 (1953)
A Force of One (1979)
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
The Whale (2022)
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
Sodom and Gomorrah (1962)
300 (2006)
Tootsie (1982)
Excalibur (1981)
Shattered Glass (2003)
Asterix and Obelix: Mansion of the Gods (2014)
The Consequences of Love (2004)
Mystery Men (1999)
Brice de Nice (2005)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)
The Butterfly Effect (2004, Director's Cut)
Breakin' (1984)
Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976)
The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)
Road House (1989)
The Venture Bros.: Radiant Is the Blood of the Baboon Heart (2023)
Spaghettiman (2016)
Hardware (1990)
Upgrade (2018)
Day of the Siege (2012)
Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022)
Urusei Yatsura Movie 1: Only You (1983)
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011)
Zodiac (2007)
M3gan (2022)
Mad God (2021)
The Platform (2019)
Curado de espantos (1992)
Pan's Labyrinth (2006)
Clownhouse (1989)
Earth vs the Spider (2001)
Junior (1994)
The Running Man (1987)
Last Action Hero (1993)
True Lies (1994)
Hercules In New York (1970)
Payback (1999)
Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)
Space Truckers (1996)
The Ninth Gate (1999)
Cabin Boy (1994)
Stardust (2007)
Klaus (2019)
An American Werewolf in London (1981)
Richard III (1995)
Nobody (2021)
Real Genius (1985)
Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger (1977)
Six String Samurai (1998)
Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)
Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (1985)
Soldier (1998)
Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
No Country For Old Men (2007)
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Watermelon Man (1970)
Rocky (1976)*
Hotel Rwanda (2004)
Eddie Murphy Raw (1987)
The Last Boy Scout (1991)
Blacula (1972)
The Meteor Man (1993)
Soul Man (1986)



-----

Suggestions:

13th Warrior
2 Guns
2001: A Space Odyssey
300
48 Hrs. (1982)
5 Centimeters Per Second (2007)
8 1/2 (1963)
A Better Tomorrow
A Better Tomorrow 2
Action Jackson (1988)
All Dogs Go To Heaven
Alpha Dog
Altered Carbon
Altered States
A Man For All Seasons
American Buffalo (1996)
Angry Birds
Antitrust (2001)
Apocalypto
Assault on Precinct 13
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever
Bang Rajan (2000)
Barbershop (2002)
Barry Lyndon
Battlefield Baseball
Battle Without Honor or Humanity
Ben-Hur
Black Cat, White Cat
Blackula
Blade 2
BMX Bandits
Bon Cop Bad Cop
Bonnie & Clyde
Boondock Saints
Breach (2007)
Broken Saints
Bubba Ho-Tep
Caddyshack
Captain Ron
Casablanca
Case départ (2011)
Castaway
Cherry 2000 (1987)
Chinatown
Christmas Horror Story
City On Fire
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Collision Course
Conspiracy Theory
Contact
Crippled Avengers
Dark City
Dark Star
Day of the Meteor
Dead Alive (AKA Braindead)
Death Race 2000
Defamation
Demon Hunter (1989)
Demoni (Italian)
District 13
Double Down
Drunken Angel (1948)
Drunken Wu Tang
Elmer Gantry (1960)
Enemy of the State
Enter the Dragon
Escape from Tomorrow (2013)
Evangelion (various)
Evolution
Fallen Angels (1995)
Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion (1972)
First Poiwer
Fitzcarraldo (1982)
Five Element Ninjas
Flight of Dragons
Flubber
Forbidden Planet (1956)
Four Lions
Full Contact
Furyô anego den: Inoshika Ochô
GaoGaiGar
Gas! -Or- It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It. (1970)
Generation P (2011)
Get Carter
Geostorm
Godmonster of Indian Flats
Heavy Traffic
He Died With A Falafel In His Hands
Hell Comes to Frogtown
Hercules in New York
Hider in the House
High Fidelity
Highlander: The Source (Garbage Day material)
Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS (Garbage Day material)
I'm a Cyborg, But That's OK
I'm Gonna Git You Sucka (1988)
Independence Day: Resurgence
Initial D (2005)
It's a Mad World
Jackie Chan movies
John Wick
Johnny Mnemonic
Jurassic Park
Kafka (1991)
King of Comedy
Knightriders (1981)
Kubo and the Two Strings
Kung Pao: Enter the Fist
Kwaidan (1965)
Labyrinth
Lady Snowblood
La Grande Vadrouille
Lake Mungo
L'armata Brancaleone
Le Dîner de Cons (1998)
Leviathan
Let There be Zombies (2014)
Lifeboat (1944)
Lives of Others
Logan's Run
M (1931)
Major Payne
Mandy
Manhunter
Maniac Cop
Man of Tai Chi
Man with the Screaming Brain (2005)
Master & Commander
Mayhem (2017)
Mean Streets
Megaforce
Megamind
Men in Black
Micro Men
Minbo no Onna
Miracle Mile
Miracle on Ice
Mon Oncle Antoine
Mr. Nobody
Murmur of the Heart (1971)
Nicky Larson et le Parfum de Cupidon
Mystery Men
Nekromantik (1987)
Ninja III: The Domination (1984)
Night of the Comet
Nobody's Fool
Nothing but Trouble (1991)
Observe and Report (2009)
Pacific Rim
Paint Your Wagon (1969)
Paradox (2017)
Paranoia (2013)
Parasite (2019)
Payback (1999)
Phantoms
Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)
Pineapple Express (2008)
Pixels
Prince of Darkness
Punishment Park
Raising Arizona
Razor Blade Smile
Reanimator
Red Tails
Return to Oz
Saboteur
S. Darko
Serpico
Shaft in Africa
Sholay
Short Circuit
Showgirls
Sideout
Silence
Silent Running
Sleeping With the Enemy
Snowpiercer
Society (1989)
So I Married an Axe Murderer
Sora no Woto (series)
Southern Comfort (1981)
Sphere
Stardust (2007)
Strings (2004)
Sukiyaki Western Django
THX 1138
Tale of Tales (1979)
Tank Girl
Thank You For Smoking
The 400 Blows
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
The Andromeda Strain
The Animatrix
The Bad Seed (1956)
The Black Gestapo (1975)
The Blair Witch Project
The Boys From Brazil
The Burning Moon (1992)
The Chorus (2004)
The Day After (1983)
The Devil's Rain (1975)
The Duelists
The French Connection
The General (1926)
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time
The Good, the Bad, the Weird
The Green Room (2015)
The Guyver
The Happiness of the Katakuris (2001)
The Incredible Melting Man (1977)
The King of Comedy (1982)
The Last Boy Scout
The Last Picture Show (1971)
The Last Wave (1977)
The Machine Girl (2008)
The Man Who Wasn't There
The Man Who Would Be King (1975)
The Maze Runner
The Milagro Beanfield War (1988)
The Neverending Story
The Night Comes for Us (2018)
The One
The Rock (1996)
The Rover (2014)
The Rules of the Game (1939)
The Seventh Seal
The Sixth Day
The Sound of Music (1965)
The Starf
The Ten Commandments
The Third Man (1949)
The Transporter
The Usual Suspects
The VelociPastor (2018)
The Wizard of Oz
The Zero Theorem (2013)
Thermae Romae
They Might Be Giants (1971)
To Be or Not to Be (1983)
Top Secret
Tokyo Gore Police
Tokyo Story (1953)
Tombstone
To Live or Die in LA
Transformers The Movie
Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Unbreakable
Un Chien Andalou (1929)
Uncle Buck
Untamable Angelique
Valerian
Vanilla Sky
Vanishing Point
Vertigo
Waking Life (2001)
WarGames: The Dead Code
Weekend at Bernie's
Where the Buffalo Roam (1980)
Whiplash
Wild Palms (1993)
Wild Things (1998)
Wing Commander
Witchboard 1 & 2
Wizard of Gore
Wolf Children
Wolf Warrior (2015)
Youth Without Youth
Zootopia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqIW15VKztw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6W5RB50fXk&t=48s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf4v52UbmCs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9SIeWsoPYw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z4gPh91g4E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDrZjIENxJY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTOKXCEwo_8
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464799/?ref_=nv_sr_1
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0296042/

THX 1138
This is the best movie George Lucas has ever made. Extremely creative dystopian sci-fi film set in an underground complex where everyone is bald and love is banned.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0066434/?ref_=nv_sr_1
note: make sure to get the theatrical cut, not the butchered directors cut.

Lady Snowblood:
Already listed, but this movie is the inspiration for Tarantinos Kill Bill.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0158714/?ref_=nm_knf_i1

Battle Without Honor or Humanity
Another influential Japanese film. The template for all Yakuza movies.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070246/?ref_=nv_sr_3

Sukiyaki Western Django
Absurd Japanese western action-comedy by legend Takashi Miike
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0906665/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Enter the Dragon
Excellent kung fu movie starring the legend himself.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070034/

City On Fire
Chow Yun Fat movie about a robbery gone wrong.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093435/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Minbo no Onna
Subversive Japanese comedy that angered the yakuza so much they killed the director
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104874/?ref_=nv_sr_1


The Usual Suspects
The 90s in movie form
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114814/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Silent Running
Ecological themed sci-fi movie with brilliant practical special effects from the people who made Star Wars and the cutest robots ever
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067756/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Altered States
Cool mindfuck movie
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080360/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Videodrome
Another cool mindfuck movie, but this time, directed by Cronenberg
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086541/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Shaft in Africa
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070679/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Blade 2
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0187738/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071650/
Furyô anego den: Inoshika Ochô
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070085/
Five Element Ninjas
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084921/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Crippled Avengers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077292/?ref_=nv_sr_1
Death Race 2000
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072856/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

----------

--Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Screaming Skull (1958 / 1998)
I've always liked MST3K, but Moon picked a crap episode to start Movie Night with. And it was hard to watch the movie, listen to the riffs, and read the spergchat at the same time. Luckily, it didn't stop here.

--Gunbuster (1988)
A conventional sci-fi story told exceptionally well. The emotions in the final episode are masterfully invoked. @Augustus thought this was nothing but anime gibberish, but limeys can never appreciate fine cinema. Also, nice anime tits.

--Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)
Probably the best chop-socky kung fu flick ever made. Unbelievably cheesy gore: Decapitations, skin peelings, eye gouges, maimings, live burials, a guy using his own intestines as a weapon, a guy getting shoved into a meat grinder while shitty-looking stage blood sprays everywhere. Has an angry warden, which is almost as good as an Angry Police Chief. If you don't like this movie, you're gay.

--Street Fighter (1994)
M. Bison gets all the best lines even if he's in a crummy movie tie-in or a shitty American cartoon. He is the best vidya character. Raul Julia pours his heart and soul into what would otherwise be a really boring and forgettable and sanitized action flick. F.

--Miami Connection (1987)
Goofy 80s kung-fu combined with goofy 80s musical. The 80s fashion is on full display and completely out of control, and the action is as dumb and funny as any movie with Ninja in the title. Should've been called Miami Ninja. @rw made a rad poster for this one.

--Star Virgin (1988)
Despite the sexually suggestive title, this is not porn, but an affectionate parody of Godzilla/Ultraman/Super Sentai shit. We didn't have subtitles for this, but they weren't necessary to enjoy the pure Tokusatsu cheese. I dig it.

--Italian Spiderman (2007)
Just watch it for the reaction gif.

--Fight Club (1999)
This movie spoke to my generation, and fortunately even as a teenager I understood that this movie was mediocre and not a third as clever and edgy and counter-culture as it thinks it is. Promotes anarchism, which is gay, and promotes Redditorism, which is hyper-gay.

--Dead or Alive (2006)
I missed this Movie Night because I was asleep and sick, but I remember watching the movie on Youtube in 2007, back when you could freely post full movies to Youtube. The plot is about a guy who wants to use cyber-sunglasses to record martial artist's best moves so he can be the best martial artist. In other words, it's cool as hell. Too bad they got a homely flat-chested hapa to play Kasumi instead of someone who looked the part.

--The Truman Show (1998)
This is a better Gnostic movie than The Matrix. I really liked Jim Carrey as a teenager; that stopped as soon as I found out that as soon as he got famous, he left his first wife so he could date movie stars. And now he's gone David Icke, lol.

[This is when Moon gave control of Movie Night over to me. I have dutifully ruled with an iron fist, and none dare question my dictates.]

--Duel (1971)
Still one of the most tense and terrifying films in history, and it's about nothing but a meek salesman driving on desert roads. Even this early in his career, Spielberg proved himself to be a master filmmaker.

--Dirty Work (1998)
I was told by multiple sources that this movie was funny. I don't know why they lied.

--Zardoz (1974)
An absolutely bananas hallucination of an "epic" starring Sean Connery in a red diaper and a handgun. It's so fucking weird that the director even admits he was on LSD the whole duration of filming. It's too long and boring at parts, but Zardoz is so fascinatingly confusing that now I know how normies feel when I try to discuss politics or philosophy with them. Excellent memes, too.
-
-The Street Fighter (1974)
Brutal as fuk for a kung-fu movie this old. The plot doesn't matter, but the action is more visceral than laughable. Too bad the movie ends suddenly; I see that a lot in Asian action movies where they must've run out of budget and decided to call it a wrap.

--Predator (1987)
THIS MOVIE IS SO MANLY I GREW 57 HYPERDICKS AND IMPREGNATED EVERY FERTILE WOMB IN MY STATE JUST BY OSMOSIS. LET ME WRITE A WEBSITE ABOUT IT AND SELL T-SHIRTS

--Demolition Man (1993)
One of the funnest and smartest action movies ever made. Accurately predicted how pussified western society would become and how we need steroid-popping chads to freeze and shatter the shit out of the scum who oppress us. Gets better on every rewatch; a definite Desert Island Movie. Subtitles necessary to understand Stallone. Has an Angry Police Chief.

--The Gift (2003)
Only an hour long; no sane man could endure any more. This horrifying documentary about lunatic sodomites who deliberately contract and spread fatal diseases made everyone viewing it for Movie Night so enraged that we immediately burned down a faggot orphanage. Garbage Day exists to prevent such a massacre from ever happening again.

--Pass-Thru (2016)
We had a record 15 viewers for this glorious shitpile from delusional director Neil Breen, whose movies are Ed Wood-tier levels of ineptitude and hilarity. The plot is about a benevolent AI that magically kills every bad person in the world. Contains worse acting than your local small-town car commercials and lots of laughable special effects failures.

--Aliens (1986)
Classic action movie, tons of great lines, fantastic cinematography, captivating combat scenes. I like Alien better, but that's a horror movie, not an action movie, and they aren't ultimately that comparable. It takes an hour and 11 minutes until we see an alien, a level of careful plotting that would never be allowed in the 2010s.

--Team America: World Police (2004)*
This was the first Garbage Day, where we have unfriendly chat and watch offensive/trashier movies. This movie, a pastiche of 80s action movie parody/criticism of US foreign policy/mockery of Hollywood (((elite))), was a good choice. Team America is still funny as hell and everything in it is true, though it could never get made today because the cast is mostly white and it says "fag" sometimes. Has an Angry Chief, but not of the World Police variety.

--They Live (1988)*
It's republicans that control everything. Really.

--Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (1994)
Sufficient but somewhat uncreative anime action movie. Exists mostly to provide cameos for all the playable characters in the franchise. Had an exceptionally good dub for a 1994 anime, including Bryan Cranston as Fei Long. The ending scene is one of the funniest things I've seen in my life. Blew my mind when I was 10, not so much as an adult who's seen better Jap cartoons. Also, nice anime tits.

--Mortal Kombat (1995)
This movie is dumb and all of the fights are rather boring. Aside from some hilarious 90s CG, there's nothing notable here; no memorable fights, no entertainingly cheesy dialogue. I think we watched so many goofy kung-fu movies in a row here that @delores stopped showing up to Movie Night for a while.

--Network (1976)
The world in the current year is way worse than the nightmare this movie depicts.

--Robocop (1986)*
Ditto.

--Idiocracy (2006)*
Ditto.

--Batman (1989)
This was back when Tim Burton gave a shit about the movies he made. The atmosphere is impressively oppressive and Nicholson's performance is legendary. The best Batman movie until Mask of the Phantasm came out. Commissioner Gordon is not angry enough for my tastes.

--Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)*
Psychological horror movie that is much higher quality than it has any right to be; worth watching for more than the meme so you can see the protagonist's mental breakdown. Much better acted and directed and scored than I expected; this is not trashy horror schlock. @moonman also noted that this movie existed in a time when Christianity was the prevalent religion instead of soulless consumerism, which results in a flavor entirely absent in modern horror movies.

--Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)*
An exceptionally high-quality three episodes of the animated series, mashed together. I unfortunately guessed the big surprise because the "Hush" storyline from the comics is a ripoff of this movie. The Joker fucks robots.

--Escape from New York (1981)
Another dystopia is that is more pleasant than most of modern America. Russell is always enjoyable, but I couldn't pay attention to this. You can call me a filthy millennial with no attention span, but I hadn't seen this movie until 2017 and it was too slow and uninteresting for a supposed action film. Yeah I'm sure I'm committing some kind of internet nerd heresy by saying that, but fuk u. Has an Angry Police Chief, but only briefly at the end.

--Kung Fury (2015)
This kind of post-post-post-ironic too-damn-self-aware Redditor wackiness is lost on me. Mediocre.

--WarGames (1983)
I unfortunately read the novel Ready Player One--which is a ripoff of this movie with added faggotry--before watching this. If I had grown up in the 80s and not the 90s, I probaby would have found all the computer stuff more fascinating than I did.

--Grizzly Man (2005)
A spoiled SWPL moron gets eaten by a bear. IRL. I'm not spoiling anything; that's the whole draw of this documentary. Werner Herzog is an incredible craftsman who manages to get me to feel sorry for this dumbfuck, and that is an achievement as fascinating as the tale itself. Strongly recommended.

--The Big Lebowski (1998)*
A non-stop circus where the "chill" protagonist meets a cavalcade of of wacky characters. The dialogue is hilarious, the memes are great, and John Goodman (LARPing as IRL filmmaker John Milius) makes it all even better. The second half drags a bit, but overall an excellent comedy film.

--Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)* [Yes, again!]
You can watch any scene in this lovable trash and find something groteqsue and hilarious and memorable. We should watch it every day.

--Troll 2 (1990)
I missed this one, and I've still never seen it. I just know the one scene from Youtube.

--Beautiful Teacher in Torture Hell (1985)*
In the thirty seconds I saw this torture porn before I had to go to work, I was impressed by the production levels for something so gross. No one would want to hear me "wow just wow"-ing at the movie, though, so it's probably better that I missed it.

--Castlevania (2017)
Proof that Westerners can take a Japanese property and not shit all over it. Good  limey actors, a decent script, and stylized but reasonable action scenes make this mini-series the only good thing to happen to Castlevania in a decade. There's some le edgy fedora shit--because Garth Ennis is a pretentious twat whose religion seems to consist of name-dropping hipster products on his blog--but it's not enough to taint an otherwise high quality product. Has an Angry Chief Priest, which is almost good enough for me.

--Blue Velvet (1986)
How do you portray good vs. evil in a rotten world like ours? You have it be down to earth, reasonable, human. Evil in the real world doesn't often take the form of grandiose tyrants; it takes the form of petty, stupid sick fucks like Frank Booth. And the hero to stop him is just an ordinary kid with a gun. The results are strange and memorable and strangely hopeful. We had technical problems while showing this, and that sucked.

--Spider-Man (2002)*
We watched this for @nepfag. A believable and mature take on capeshit that stll holds up. The villain's mask is pretty stupid-looking, but the rest of the effects are great. The CG Spider-Man costume still looks fantastic, and though the pathos the movies instills is genuine, though Parker isn't supposed to be an emo teenager. But the movie still owns. Several viewers remarked that they saw this movie as children, which made me feel old once again.

--Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
One of the most entertaining movies of all freaking time, and worth watching repeatedly. The animators developed several new animation techniques just to make it compatible with the live-action film, and 29 years later it still looks magnificent. Is too good and has too-attractive cartoon chicks and involves too many different companies to ever be made today. Hopefully it never gets a remake or squeakwel where it can be poisoned with poz and CG.

--Death Wish (1974)
Not the dumb action movie you may think it is from the well-earned reputation of its sequels. This is a poignant character study about a man fed up with his crime-ridden shithole of a city, a man who decides to cleanse the scum with bullets. This movie probably inspired the real-life Bernie Goetz, who also did nothing wrong. Features a young Jeff Goldblum as a dumb, violent hoodlum.

--Redline (2009)
Utterly gorgeous animation and rad music just barely save this movie from its dumb script and bad pacing. Entertaining but empty. Watch it for the visuals, pirate the soundtrack, but no fucks should you give.

--Gymkata (1985)
Another goofy-ass kung fu flick (I was born in the right time to appreciate em), this one about a vague Eastern-European shit hole with both medieval and Mongolian schtick that runs a death olympics every year for no good reason. A protagonist who uses gymnastics as his secret martial art. Lots of ninjas. Really scuzzy-looking sets and effects all over; the prop-makers must've had a blast with all the weird shit going on. The fight scene in the foggy village probably inspired Resident Evil 4.

--Communion (1989)
Ayy Lmaos abduct Christopher Walken and anally probe him in their spaceship. Not as spooby as I remember it as a kid; watching it as an adult, the whole thing is dorky and badly acted and all the alien suits look like cheap rubber costumes. The only good scene was in the beginning when the ayys appear for a mere second; it has a tenseness the rest of the movie fails to reproduce. Notably rejected by the guy who wrote the (supposedly non-fiction) book the movie was based on.

--Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)
Funnier than any episode of the series, this combination juvenile comedy/parody of political thrillers features two Midwestern dumbass teenagers who accidentally get caught up in a nationwide terrorism crisis without even knowing it. Crass humor done intelligently; one of the FBI agents even has scene with a complex grammar joke ("Never end a sentence in a preposition!") that I would legitimately use when teaching an ESL class. Stay for the hallucination sequence.

--Mad Bull 34 (1990)*
Ultra-violent Jap porn cartoon about New York City cops who blow the heads off of bank robbers and bang every generic broad in town. The first episode is a blast, and the final episode is so completely bonkers that I can't believe it got greenlighted, but the second and third episodes are more dreary. Got a really good English dub, especially by 1990 standards. Unpleasant anime tits. Has a police chief who is suprisingly mellow, considering how bloodthirsty his force is.

--American Psycho (2000)
A super-rich stock market broker (?) psychopath fucks and murders for fun, because he has a life devoid of meaning that he tries to fill with disastrous hedonism. Or maybe it's all in his head. I knew all the memes, but I had never before seen the movie in full. Bale is a superb actor (though he probably practices Satanic infanticidal cannibalism like most Hollywood bigshots), and the direction gives a great look into this madman's head. Worth a watch, but only one. We also had a record 15 viewers for this.

--The Red Pill (2016)
A feminist interviews MRAs to get their side of the debate, and while she doesn't agree with them in any significant way, in the process she learns how evil feminism is and abandons it for good. It was a mistake to play this movie without the benefit of GARBAGE DAY uncensored chat, but I think I managed to keep from chimping out.

--The Devil's Rejects (2005)
A family of serial killer hillbillies in the 1970s kill a bunch of people for no good reason. The script is idiotic and all of the characters are stupid, but at least Robert Zombie expertly crafts some good nasty-looking visuals. This movie isn't as good as I remembered seeing it a decade ago, and I don't have the benefit of drugs at the time like Moonman did.

--A Boy and His Dog (1975)
A boy and his psychic dog try to survive in the post-apocalyptic desert. I think @MDN added this one. Another movie that I missed due to work, but I recall watching it many years ago. Bizarre in that uniquely 1970s way, and a script so full of soggy knees that any non-Muslim trying to make it today would probably get killed.

--True Stories (1986)
A series of largely unrelated feel-good stories about middle America from one of the guys in The Talking Heads. No urbanite scum allowed. I heard on a right-wing podcast that this movie was a sincere slice of Americana, and it is indeed one of the extremely rare movies that celebrates small-town America rather than demonizing it. But the end result is a sloppy mess with little purpose but good music. Stay for John Goodman; I'll watch him in anything.

--Gargoyles (1972)
I saw ten minutes of this before I had to go to work. Moon said the rest sucked.

--Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture (1994)*
Came out around the same time as the animated Street Fighter movie, and has a similar goal: Show all the characters from the video games fighting each other, though this movie actually gives us some brand-new villains and a plot inspired by Indiana Jones. Decent fights, and every scene with Mai is entertaining (which is a lot of them), but the ending is stupid even by anime standards and you'll feel unfulfilled. Features excellent anime tits, though the character design makes everyone look like bendy plastic aliens.

--Violence Jack: Evil Town (1988)*
A twelve-foot-tall giant murders the shit out of people in a post-apocalyptic Tokyo. Tons and tons of gratuitous decapitations and torture and rape. Really gross anime tits; no sane person could enjoy this shit. Has a funny English dub.

--Digital Devil Story: Megami Tensei (1987)*
Boring ripoff of Devilman, but with computers as a gateway to Hell instead of drug-fueled orgies. Made when the Megami Tensei series was in its infancy, and it shows. Mediocre animation, too. Not even interestingly bad.

--Dominion Tank Police (1988)*
Incredibly entertaining animu about wacky cop violence and general mayhem. Terrorism, tanks, guns, bombs, hospitals that collect piss, genetically engineered catgirls; this is anime as fuck and I love it. Shit music is the only thing not to like here. Features an Angry Police Chief, one of the angriest I've ever seen; the first episode even starts with a him ranting about "pinko fairies". I can neither confirm nor deny getting my first boner to this show.

--Goodfellas (1990)
A young punk in the 1970s joins the mafia, thinking it'll make him rich and powerful, but he instead becomes more corrupt unhinged and bestial and pathetic (life Antifa) until things finally collapse. Unquestionably the best gangster movie ever made (The Godfather is unworthly to lick the mud off this movie's shoes), and one of the few good movies that uses a voiceover well. You've probably heard someone quite Joe Pesci's lines at some point in your life.

--The Hobbit (1977)
Gorgeously-animated and extremely well-acted rendition of Tolkien's novel. Objectively superior to the shitty live-action Hobbit trilogy. Too short and cuts out a lot of stuff from the book, but still the best anime ever made. Has the best version of Gollum, and that's including Andy Serkis's rendition. Superb music, listen on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dQ5c5SIYnc&index=1&list=PL545948224B999E8A

--Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem (2003)*
An extended music video for Daft Punk's best album. Not much else to say; it looks cool but is not utterly amazing.

--The Return of the King (1980)*
Inferior to The Hobbit, but still pretty good. Longer and has more time for reflection, but still assumes you've read all the books and know who every character is, which is ironically a sin many anime movies are guilty of. Still has great acting and the best Gollum. The songs are still excellent; whichever mens' choir performed them deserved some kind of academy award. That is, if I gave a shit about award shows. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdXQJS3Yv0Y

--The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)*
It's not as bad as you've heard, it's worse. Literally unwatchable; I was playing vidya on my other monitor while this garbage was playing. So bad that even George Lucas won't defend it. Only worth watching so you can say you survived it.

--The Thing (1982)
One of the best horror movies ever made. Every character puts out a great performance, and the oppressive frozen atmosphere and spooby music contribute to the overall dread. Probably the best puppetry and visual effects the world has ever seen.

--Stand By Me (1986)
I mistakenly thought this was going to be a horror movie, lol. Instead it's a slice of Americana  that's better than True Stories. Not much of a plot; but it shows a journey that is more important than the destination. Based on one of Stephen King's stories, and don't let the fact that King liked this movie turn you off.

--A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Classic horror flick, and when I call something "classic" I mean "this is good", not just "this is famous". Freddy was a legitimately cool movie villain before the sequels turned him into Bugs Bunny. Has angry cops, but no Angry Police Chief.

--Watership Down (1978)
Cute little cartoon bunnies face the constant threat of horrible death in the form of weather, starvation, dogs, predator birds, snares, guns, and even other rabbits. I wasn't kidding when I said that this was a horror movie. Superb acting, animation (the water effects are particularly good), music, and a uniquely oppressive atmosphere. Worth rewatching again and again.

--The Fly (1986)
The best role of Jeff Goldblum's career: A mad scientist who accidentally transforms himself into a disgusting quasi-insect because his unsupervised experiments go awry. The special effects of Goldblum's transformation are shocking in their grotestqueness, and his increasingly erratic acting gives us a memorable movie lunatic. It also wastes no time; every scene has something new and interesting to horrify the viewer. If this ever gets remade, it'll be some retarded CG fly shit, so pray it doesn't.

--Fright Night (1985)
Decent horror/comedy about vampires who infect a small town. Genuinely funny and 80s as fuk, but I wish I had watched this as a kid when I would have appreciated it more.

--Beetlejuice (1988)
Astonishingly good horror/comedy. It is a severe moral failure to not like this movie.

--Hellraiser (1987)
A bored hedonist finds a box said to bring incredible pleasure or incredible pain, and uses it like a retard. Hellraiser is a mediocre haunted-house movie made much more interesting by the villains, a group of creatively hideous entities called the Cenobites. The movie serves as a susprisingly sincere morality play: Don't fuck around with weird shit just because you're bored.

--The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Cop talks to serial killer in prison to try to get tips for catching another serial killer who is free. Considered shockingly dark and violent at the time, today this movie comes across as goofy and stupid due to the ridiculous script that requires every character to act like a moron. Still, it is a well-acted and (at times) genuinely unsettling psychological horror flick. Worth at least one watch.

--Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
May be blase today, but at the time must have seemed absolutely bonkers, even by 1970s standards. One of the best comedies of all time, no matter what @why says. Though anyone who considers themself clever for quoting it is even worse than a Redditor.

--Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)*
Pure 80s cheese inspired by 50s cheese. Lots of goofy songs, dancing, and contrived wacky situations, but entertaining all the way through. The creators had the decency to subtitle the alien dialogue in the beginning, unlike the Star Wars Holiday Special.

--From Beyond (1986)*
Not as good as @moonman told me it would be.

--Total Recall (1990)
Objectively the best Schwarzenegger movie, a great action flick and a great mindfuck at the same time. The setting and plot are incredible, and for scene after scene there is amazing shit after amazing shit. The three-titted mutant hooker is barely in the top 10 most memorable bits of this film. Actual best scene? Click the Youtube below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64zpxzeD97E

--Lethal Weapon (1987)
A clever and explosive buddy cop movie. You've probably heard all the good lines even if you've never seen it. No, none of it makes logical sense, but it's a thrilling ride nonetheless. Plus, Mel Gibson proves he's a legitimately good actor, which is almost as handy as fellatio if you want to get ahead in Hollywood. Lacking in the Angry Police Chief department.

--Spider-Man 2 (2004)*
The second-best superhero movie after The Dark Knight. Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

--Snatch (2000)*
Gross, ugly, indecipherable limeys engage in various violent crimes while yelling funny shit at each other. A lot of fun, but I need to watch it with subtitles next time.

--Scrooged (1988)
A good but not great comedy retelling of Carhles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Bill Murray as an asshole TV executive makes this movie better than it has any right to be, though some scenes are just plain tedious. My mom always liked this movie, but that's baby boomers for you.

--A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
I didn't know that complaining about the commercialization of Christmas went back at least as far as 1965. The writing is great, the music is great, and the child actors give surprisingly good performances.

--Home Alone (1990)
Utterly unrealistic and childish wish-fulfillment fantasy, but not a bad one. I don't think I've ever seen this all the way through before; maybe bits and pieces on TV as a kid. Only a small portion near the end depicts the Looney Tunes home invasion section, most of the movie is Babby's First Existential Crisis, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

--It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
Baby boomers love this movie, so I was expecting boring crap. Instead I got a funny and densely-packed morality tale with an excellent message: You can potentially do everything right in your life and still get fucked over at every turn. But the good you do has an effect on everyone you encounter, even if it's not immediately obvious to you. Yeah you can call me naive, but if you disagree with the above, you're gay.

--How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
Has the same message as the aforementioned Charlie Brown movie: Fuck loot, get love. But this one has more emotional impact and better animation. It turns out Buddha was half-right; your toys don't matter, but your family and friends do matter, significantly so, and you can never be happy if you don't have your priorities straight. This movie also demonstrates that the cruel, petty, stupid assholes in the world can repent of their faggotry and become genuinely good people.

--Die Hard (1988)
Different from most previous action movies because the hero is not an invincible demigod but just an ordinary cop put in a terrible situation. There are some scenes are still a bit unbelievable, but for the most part contains bitchin' anthrax-fueled mayhem all the more fascinating because it's rooted mostly in reality. Has an Angry Police Chief AND angry FBI agents, all of whom get their comeuppance from the superior low-ranked cops. Die Hard could have been made into a decent stealth video game, but it never was.

--A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Mildly humorous movie about you should reject (((capitalism))) in favor of (((socialism))). Or at least don't be a dick of a boss. Good songs, no severe poz. It got tedious watching so many Christmas movies in a row, I think, so I'll reduce the number in December of 2018.

--Surviving Edged Weapons (1988)*
An immensely dorky police training video that offers some genuinely good advice. Shit like stand 30 feet away when talking to someone dangerous because at 10 or 20 feet they can close the distance more quickly than you can react. Cops are going to need this advice after President Zuck makes guns illegal for all cops and for all white males and the US crime rate skyrockets to South Africa levels.

--Flash Gordon (1980)
Highly cheesy, highly entertaining sci-fi flick based on the 1950s serial of the same name. The plot is dumb; mostly an excuse to show various fantastic locales. Every scene with Brian Blessed in it is amazing.
Our first viewing of this movie was plagued with bad internet connections due to the millions of plebs watching American football, so we re-watched it before Blade the week after.

--Blade (1998)
I somehow keep finding vampire shit interesting even though the majority of it sucks ass. This movie is an exception, though. Wesley Snipes is a great action hero: physically capable, looks cool, delivers his customary one-liners with panache, dominates every scene he's in. Probably the best Marvel movie, and probably better than Black Panther which I haven't seen.

--Mystics in Bali (1981)*
I was asleep when @moonman showed this movie so I missed it entirely.

--Strangers with Candy (2005)*
Sucked balls. Everyone except Moonman wanted to skip this unfunny comedy after ten minutes, so we did.

--Dirty Harry (1971)*
Clint Eastwood plays a hard-ass cop who murders the shit out of bad guys regardless of what the rules or the stupid chief say. One of the best damn action movies of all time, and though nothing about it is realistic, I wish it was.

--Heavy Metal (1981)
Classic sci-fi cartoon about tits and gore, basically the same reason why I liked anime. Ugly character designs but smooth animation. Plot is gibberish (also like anime), but don't let that get in the way of the enjoyment you get from this weirdo shit. The soundtrack is surprisingly not rockin'.

--The Belko Experiment (2016)
Halfway decent Battle Royale clone about an office that gets turned into a death trap. Entertaining but shallow and unfilfilling. Has one really cool death where a dude caves in another dude's head with a wrench.

--Pumping Iron (1977)
Classic documentary about body building, starring a bunch of steroids guys you've never heard of and a few you have. Schwarzenegger was not yet an international superstar, but his charisma and conniving ways put him ahead of his competition and let him steal the show. Lou Ferrigno is not a dick, but is a less interesting character because of it. Highly recommended and quotable.

--Revenge of the Nerds (1984)*
I missed this because Moon didn't text me, reeeeee. Never seen it.

--Porky's (1981)*
I also missed this movie, but I have seen this one before. Raunchy dramady with a unique gift for seamlessly switching between fascinating drama and legitimately funny juvenile humor. The scene where the teachers laugh at the stone-faced nurse is incredible. And I hope this movie made everyone get their dumb sexual fantasies about the 50's out of their system.

--The Elephant Man (1980)
Fictionalized biopic of possibly the most unfortunate bastard who ever lived, a severely deformed peasant in 1890s England. Astonishing acting from John Hurt that presents a pathos that drives into your skull and will never leave; his performance is so sublime that all the other actors revolve around him like lesser bodies orbiting the sun. If Merrick had been born today, he probably still would've died young, but with the internet he could've been the next Hotwheels or something.

--Death Becomes Her (1992)*
Dammit Moon, you've got to start letting me know when you hold these spontaneous Garbage Days.

--Wayne's World (1992)
Self-effacing, 90s as fuk comedy full of musician cameos and mockeries of movie tropes. I watched this a lot as a kid and I remembered most of the dialogue when we watched it again. Though it hasn't aged that well, it's still better than any comedy I've seen from the past decade. The best thing Mike Myers has ever done.

--Ravenous (1999)*
Another one I missed. If I were a professional, I'd go and watch these anyway just for completion, but I'm not gonna.

--The Last Unicorn (1982)
Proto-Studio-Ghibli animates a moody 1960s fantasy novel. Successfully crafts multiple rad-looking set pieces with creative animation and a good soun dtrack, and the acting is equally good, though the plot is so vague and weird that it seems like a 500-year-old fairy tale and not a 20th century one. Watch it if you can't get enough of the 1977 Hobbit movie.

--Falling Down (1993)
FAYgit SHEEut about a man who gets fed up with life shitting on him day after day, and goes on a surprisingly well-intentioned rampage. Also 90s as fuk, the dialogue is all really bad and full of cliches, but each scene has something interesting for the deranged protagonist to ruin. Has an angry police chief, but his role is minor. Stay for the military surplus shop owner, who is /pol/ incarnate.

--Rollerball (1975)
In the dystopian far future of 2018, there is only the moderately violent sport of Rollerball that merges hockey and roller skating rinks. I knew nothing about this going in, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. The fictional bloodsport in this movie is less dangerous than modern football, lel. This movie definitely inspired the Motorball arc from Battle Angel Alita.

--Spawn (1997)
Capping off Black Superhero Month, we watched this pile of shit, made from back before capeshit movies were the only thing keeping Hollywood out of the breadline. Featuring an absolutely incoherent plot, forgettably bad dialogue, a boring lead actor, and John Leguizamo cosplaying as Danny Devito. This movie sucks, but at least it's entertainingly bad for the most part, and it isn't three hours long like it would be if made today.

--Hey Arnold: The Jungle Movie (2017)
Some Nickelodeon exec must've said "What old shit do we have that we can bring back for nostalgia bucks? Pick something." This finale to the TV series is surprisingly tense and well-paced for a kids' movie, but it's still a kids' movie and there is some definite dumb shit. The unsubtitled Dora the Explorer bits were particularly grating. Multiculturalism was a failure.

--Space Jam (1996)
A shallow excuse to throw famous cartoon characters in with celebrity cameos. Michael Jordan acts about as well as he plays baseball, and his family must've been even worse actors because none of them are in this movie. His wife and kids and dad are all unrelated actors, hahaha.
Not as fun as I remember it being. Lots of stupid scat humor, furshit, and bad CG. You'd be better served watching remixes of the theme song on Youtube.

--C.H.U.D. (1984)*
This movie is infamously bad, so I thought I'd be in for a treat this Garbage Day. Instead we got a really slow, boring, and not-tense monster movie. It was so tedious that I skipped half an hour in the middle of it and no one in chat complained. Has a few cool kills at the end of the movie, but not worth the buildup.

--The Warriors (1979)*
A hip gang of multi-culti street thugs escape across a city after being falsely accused of killing the one guy no one was supposed to kill. Considered incredibly gritty and violent at the time of filming, it has aged well despite a lot of Hollywood bullshit in the script. Don't come for the cool kills, come for the insane costumes and the genuine aura of menace from their wearers.

--Versus (2000)*
Cartoonishly violent and utterly incomprehensible modern samurai action flick. Has all the stuff I want in shitty action movies: Tons of awesome kills, characters with ridiculous quirks, and plot twists less coherent than the US tax code. @rw recommended this movie and the next one, and he chose well. We had a record 18 viewers for this movie.

--Wild Zero (1999)*
Another insane Japan action movie, but with a different feel; this one is funny on purpose, not by accident. The super-powered band Guitar Wolf (who also created the movie's soundtrack) and their biggest fan are the only things that can stop an army of never-appearing aliens that turn civilians into zombies. Endlessly creative and dorky and loveable, though the tranny romance plot (even though obviously presented as a joke) made me want to puke more than any of the gore scenes.

--A Goofy Movie (1995)
The best Disney movie since Alice in Wonderland, A Goofy Movie knows how to make you feel powerful emotions without manipulating you like Stephen Spielberg. The feels this movie instilled in me made me forget that I'm an internet tough guy. Don't ever lie to your loved ones; appreciate the time you have with them.
>you and your dad will never break into a Michael Dogson concert and run out onto the stage to help you impress a chick

--An Extremely Goofy Movie (2000)
This movie's creators forget everything that made the previous one great. Instead we get a return to the status quo, rehashed plotlines, characters who learn nothing, receycled jokes, inferior musical numbers compared to the last one, and an expanded role for Pauly Shore's character. Skip it.

--Planet of the Apes (1968)
One of the all-time greatest movies in human history. Holds up amazingly. If you haven't seen this, you're wrong.

--Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) [For like 10 minutes, lol]
This movie, however, held up terribly. Visuals that were impressive at the time are now identifiable as clearly fake CG turds. And with the audience in the current year not being impressed by a CG rasta man stepping in CG animal shit on the CG ground, the only tolerable thing about this movie is the fight with Darth Maul at the end, and that is merely decent. The best thing to come from this movie is the Weird Al song it inspired.

--The Godfather (1972)
One of many high-production movies that glamorize the shit out of organized crime. Has a lot of memorable scenes, but is too long, and not as good as Goodfellas.

--Waco: The Rules of Engagement (1997)* [Stopped after 20 minutes, too depressing]
Janet Reno should have been executed for treason long ago.

--The Green Mile (1999)*
Well-crafted prison drama about a literal Magical Negro and his pet mouse. Shallow, and rips off Of Mice and Men, but enjoyable for all of its excessive length. You can safely assume that any movie based on a Stephen King novel is better than the book, and you would be correct in that assumption.

--Animal Farm (1954)
This animated version is way better than that live-action version from 1999. We need more media criticizing communism.

--Under Siege (1992)
Unfortunately, only small portions of this movie contain Steven Seagal murdering the shit out of bad guys with karate chops and perfectly placed gunfire. Also features a what-are-they-doing-slumming-it-here performance from Tommy Lee Jones.

--The Princess Bride (1987)
Highly entertaining and quotable fantasy romance/drama/comedy/action flick with lots of great scenes and great dialogue. Normally if I told you to watch a fantasy romance/drama/comedy/action flick from the 80s, you'd probably call me a big fag if you didn't know any better. The only part I didn't like was the old narrator butting in once in awhile to explain the things we've already seen and explicitly reminding us that it's not real.

--Matinee (1993)
Obscure, underrated movie about John Goodman as a slimy but earnest horror movie director in the 1950s. Unironically charming, lovable, and unabashedly pro-small-town-America.

--The Emoji Movie (2017)*
Look at this shit. FAGGOT SHIT

--Super Mario Bros. (1993)*
Utterly incomprehensible mess with nothing whatsoever to do with the video games. This movie makes about as much sense as Zardoz and is probably the reason why to this day Nintendo is afraid to make movies or TV shows out of its incredibly profitable franchises. I saw this pile of shit in theaters as a kid, and even then I recognized it as such.

--Faust (2000)*
A devilman fights other demons in a pozzed metropolis hellscape. I mistakenly thought this movie was a Spawn rip-off, but it's based on a comic book series that predates Spawn. But they're all ripping off the Faust legend anyway. Totally forgettable after the hilariously bad Super Mario Bros. movie. Just watch the tit-puddles scene on Youtube.

--The Terminator (1984)
Bretty gud (though slightly cheesy) action movie unfortunately far surpassed by its sequel. Relax, I said "sequel", singular. The Terminator creates a heavy sense of tension throughout that culminates in a fantastic final battle. More "real" than anything else in the franchise.

--Cool Hand Luke (1967)
Excellent drama about a stupid drunken convinct who always has to defy authority, no matter the consequences. Superb performances from everyone involved.

--The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (2007)
It's not about video games, it's about bad personalities and the horrors of bureaucracy. When I last watched this documentary a decade ago, I thought Billy Mitchell was an egotistical twat but at least he was good at video games. Now I know that he's not even that. Also, don't neglect your kids.

--Galaxy Quest (1999)
Affectionate parody of Star Trek TOS in particular and sci-fi movies in general. Not uproariously funny, but somewhat funny. And I can't ignore the irony of Tim Allen playing a no-talent washed-up actor.

--The Last Starfighter (1984)
I made the mistake of reading Ready Player One (which heavily plagiarizes the plot of this movie) before watching The Last Starfighter. I wish I had seen this movie as a kid so my viewing experience would have been filled with wonder instead of mild amusement.

--Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
I have somehow never seen this movie.

--Ed Wood (1994)
This is why people used to love Tim Burton. Johnny Depp gives the performance of his life as the legendarily hard-working but untalented director of schlock. The guy who plays Bela Lugosi is even better. Unironically a masterpiece.

--Child's Play (1988)*
@moonman played this while I was away. Never seen it.

--Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
Both an ode to early 1980s arcade games and shameless corporate whoredom. Both charming and sucks the cock of every advertiser they could find. Tells viewers that you should automatically let outcasts do whatever they want, which is a bad message for kids. I hate Sarah Silverman.

--Titan A.E. (2000)
Not Don Bluth's finest moment. Throwaway plot, and has a lot of ugly CG mixed in with halfway decent animation of spaceships and aliens 'n shit. Just play/watch Space Ace if you want Don Bluth sci-fi that doesn't suck.

--Black Panther (2018)*
Colossally overrated snoozefest about Black Iron Man (don't we already have War Machine?) stopping a coup in his fictional African paradise. The movie constantly has a clashing aesthetic between primitive tribal looks and shiny glowing future stuff, and it just doesn't work. The stereotypical black American thug villain named Kill-Monger (lol) is the only even remotely interesting character in this shitpile. Avoid.

--The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980)*
Low-budget comedy about a khoi-san man's quest to destroy a Coke bottle. It's funnier than it sounds, especially any scene involving a tin pot dictator or wild animals. Objectively a superior African film to the previous movie on this list. Runs a bit long for a comedy, but still worth at least one view.

--The Patriot (2000)*
Mel Gibson plays a God-fearing AMERICAN land-owner (non-slave owning) in the 1700s who defends his land from the hated British. Pure pro-American progaganda, and it's a lot of fun, no matter what that moron Spike Lee says. We watched the director's cut, which was three freaking hours.

--Jodorowsky's Dune (2013)
A documentary detailing the aborted creation of what would have either been the greatest movie in history or a gigantic gilded turd. This production of Dune would have had a colossal amount of ambition and Hollywood excess and waste. Jodorowski hadn't even read the source novel and he wanted his version of Dune to be 14 hours long. He was going to hire Orson Welles, Mick Jagger, Salvador Dali, and other world-famous personalities--all at exorbitant salaries, all with gigantic egos--but it all fizzled out. One of the best documentaries ever made.

--Donnie Darko (2001, Director's Cut)
You've probably seen this kind of nice-small-town-America-isn't-actually-nice schtick before (Google "rural purge" if you want to get angry), but this one is genuinely funny and has a unique plot for this type of movie. I'm told the director's cut changes a few things around, including the soundtrack, but I couldn't say which is better.

--Videodrome (1983)
I missed this because of work. Never seen it. Sorry!

--Tremors (1990)
Kickass action/horror flick about giant underground worms that attack a tiny Nevada village. Much better than I'm making it sound. Reminiscent of The Thing in that the villain of the movie is a clever beast that must be outsmarted, not overpowered. Also noteworthy is that the hermit gun-nut doomsday prepper saves the day, an extreme rarity in Hollywood.

--Punisher War Zone (2008)
Utterly ridiculous, over-the-top action flick where the protagonist murders generic mobsters non-stop. The scene where one of the parkour faggots get gets hit with a missile is particularly great. Too bad the director is a cunt.

--Independence Day (1996)
Blacks and jews save America from ayy lmaos where all the incompetent FUCKING WHITE MALES fail. Still enjoyable, though if you repeated any of the gay jokes in the current year, they would get you fired/doxed/bricks thrown through your window by a peaceful anti-fascist activist.

[We got rid of the Friendly Chat rule after this; it was causing far more problems than it allegedly solved, and the atmosphere during movie night is more relaxed as a result.]

--Top Gun (1986)*
The internet told me this movie was a non-stop laugh riot. The internet lied. We didn't even get halfway through before skipping to the next movie. I'd rather watch Black Panther again.

--The Wicker Man (2006)*
The internet also lied to me and said this Nic Cage movie was a barrel of laughs. In fact, it just sucked. A dismal failure of a Garbage Day.

--Con Air (1997)
This is more like it. Con Air is the quintessential absurd giant-budget explosion-fest that emerged in the mid-90s. Every character is fascinatingly weird/stupid/gay. There are tons of fights. Shit blows up. Watch it.

--Commando (1985)
Speaking of movies where everything blows up, here's one of the best. In this movie, Arnold is an invincible demigod who effortlessly massacres his opponents while tossing witty quips. That might sound cliched, but this is one of the originators of the style, and it's impossible to not have fun while watching. The final boss fight (against an admittedly underwhelming Aussie) ends in the second-best Arnold line after Total Recall's "Screw you!"

--Akira (1988)*
Made for the then-extravagant cost of $10,000,000 USD and having twice as many frames of animation as other animated films, Akira is the best-looking movie ever made. Any medium, any genre, any deacde; Akira is the best. The plot is incomprehensible anime gibberish, sure, but you owe it to yourself to watch this.

--Project A-Ko (1986)*
A super-powered anime schoolgirl fights robots and shit. An injection of pure unadultered 80s anime into your eye sockets, and if you don't like that, you're gay. Every character is a deliberate animu stereotype and the main characters have one-letter placeholders for their names. Revels in its cliches while still turning them into a coherent plot, affectionately makes fun of other series, and features some spectacularly-animated spaceships and surprisingly good acting. This shit reminds me of why I liked Jap cartoons in the first place.

--The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (2004)*
@why played this. I have no idea if it's good or not; I needed to sleep. Sorry!

--Tropic Thunder (2008)
Though fondly remembered for the "never go full retard" meme, this movie does not hold up. Watching the marginally-talented Ben Stiller et al deliberately overacting while pretending to shoot guys and pretending to get shot (I mean, pretending even in-universe) stops being amusing after 30 seconds. On the plus side, though, you get to see Tom Cruise ham it up in a rare comedic role, Robert Downey Jr. in blackface, and the movie trailer parodies were ok.

--UHF (1989)
Weird Al Yankovic's first and (surprisingly) only feature-length movie; odd that he never did another. Al's character has to create a bunch of TV shows to keep his crappy UHF station from dying. Funny even if you don't get all the pop culture references, and even funnier if you do. Also features a pre-Seinfeld Michael Richards as a highly successful retarded man.

--Taken (2008)
This was the first in the SPC "meme movie month" series. Neeson's tough-old-guy routine is good enough to make you forget how dumb the plot is. The script requires a huge series of absurd coincidences to occur for Neeson to succeed at retrieving his stupid millennial daughter, and none of the other characters matter. And the camera work is nauseating; you can expect jump cuts several times a second. Is fun despite these faults.

--Shrek (2001)
Minorly humorous parody of fantasy tropes with Mike Myers being able to turn his Scottish accent (you're supposed to call it a "brogue", right?) from So I Married An Axe Murderer into a full movie. Eddie Murphy hasn't been funny since 1988.

--Edge of Tomorrow (2014)*
A live-action adaptation of the hilariously titled manga, "All You Need Is Kill". Tom Cruise plays a space marine who gets stuck in a time loop while fighting aliens, each day getting better and better at fighting. Watch Groundhog Day instead.

--Jack Reacher (2012)*
One part Die Hard, one part The Room, but none of it as memorable.

--The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Nolan and Bale clearly stopped giving a shit about anything but their paychecks. Way, way, way too long, too many plot holes, too many useless side characters. And Bane's plan is both excessively convoluted and explained through Hardy's fast food drive-thru of a voice. Someone should make a cut of all of Bane's scenes and nothing else; it'd probably be an hour long and much less boring.

--The Room (2003)
Everything you've heard about this movie is true: The acting is abominable, the script is inscrutable, money was wasted everywhere, there are no fewer than three pointless and unarousing sex scenes, and the guy who made it is completely insane. Noteworthy and memorable for being so bad that it beggars belief. Probably better to watch a "best of" on Youtube than the whole thing, though.

--Clerks (1994)
Remember when Kevin Smith at least attempted to be funny? When he was just a lone nerd with a small budget and a dream? That time is never coming back again, and Hollywood will probably never allow anything similar to ever appear in the future.

--Hackers (1995)
This movie is what baby boomers still think computers are like: Unexplained mystical hardware, endless criminal power at the push of a button, retarded slang, and ugly neon clothes. Every scene has some computer gibberish that would have stood out as ridiculous in 1995 and is only funnier in retrospect. Every time a computer on CSI or whatever has seemingly magical powers, they were probably inspired by this movie. Watch it for the laughs, even if you're not computer-savvy.

--Starship Troopers (1997)
A future society that worships the military trains to fight alien bugs. Most of the movie is training scenes, but there's a big chunk of ultra-gory action at the end. The in-story propaganda films are great. My internet went down during the end of our showing, so it's a good thing it was running off of @moonman's FTP. Makes me wish I lived in the Lawful Neutral world of this movie rather than the Neutral Evil one I live in now.

T--he Adventures of Milo & Otis (1986)
60-minute childrens' movie about cats and dogs living on a farm. Well, they're not "living" for long, because animals were definitely harmed in the making of this movie. A fun and feel-good movie as long as you don't know about the horrible Japs who made it.

--Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
Utterly insane acid trip that is ostensibly about a journalist writing an article about a car race but is actually about drugs, property damage, and anti-social behavior. Basically plotless, but never boring. I notice new things every time I watch it.

--Smokey and the Bandit (1977)
Burt Reynolds plays a good old-fashioned small-town truck-driving smuggler who escapes the police to try to make a buck. I had never seen this before, so we watched it in honor of Reynolds' passing. I thought it was kind of boring, but that's probably because I've seen too many movies with ultra-fast-paced car chases. One of @why's favorite movies.

--The Lord of the Rings (1978)
An ambitious and heavily flawed adaptation of the first 1 1/2 books of the trilogy. Features rotoscoped animation, intense Shatnerian overacting, and hallucinatory action scenes. Though frequently confusing and bad, it also has some legitimately great scenes, like the hobbits hiding from the Ringwraith near the beginning, or anything involving Aragorn (John Hurt). Worth at least one watch in your lifetime, though it's a shame Ralph Bakshi never got to make a sequel.

--The Covenant (2006)*
Missed this one.

--Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)*
Same.

--Speed (1994)
Keanu Reeves in "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down". The early-to-mid-90s were the best time for action movies, and this one is entertaining from start to finish, despite the gimmicky plot. The elevator scene in the beginning is probably the highlight. Also, the Metal Gear Solid theme plagiarized this movie's main theme.

--Dororo (2007)*
Live-action version of Tezuka's manga about a kid whose body is artificial and needs to kill a bunch of demons to get his organic body parts back. One of the rare shounen where the protagonist gets weaker over time. This version throws in a chick sidekick who acts as a straight man to contrast the weird crap that's going on. Not very memorable TBH.

--Your Name (2016)*
Two animu teenagers mysteriously swap bodies and try to find each other. Which, of course, should be effortlessly easy since everyone has cell phones and internet access in 2016. The film does succeed at stirring emotions in the viewer, but the colossal amount of contrivances required for the plot to work is a constant nag. Sickeningly sweet and sentimental (for those who enjoy such things), but much too dumb to be regarded as highly as it is.

--Scarface (1983)
Al Pacino plays a Cuban rapefugee who goes on a murder/theft/drug dealing spree. An exceptionally well-told story, and you at times feel pathos for the monstrous protagonist, whose one act of decency (not killing kids) leads to his downfall. We had to watch with subtitles, though. Also notable for the number of idiot rappers IRL who incorrectly think Tony Montana is someone to emulate.

--It Follows (2014)
What kind of horror flick can you make in the 2010s when all morality has been replaced with poz and crass consumerism? You can still make a metaphor for the dangers of STDs, if you do it right, and this movie does it right. The cast actually look like teenagers and not 30-year-old actors, which strengthens the protective urge viewers should have toward them as they get chased by an evil creature that only attacks whores. In fact, the cast's acting is so believable that I almost forgot that they all probably spent some time in Harvey Weinstein's jacuzzi to get these roles.

--Maximum Overdrive (1986)*
Utterly ridiculous-and-proud-of-it horror/comedy about machines in a small town gaining sentience and deciding to kill all humans. Only works because it doesn't take itself seriously and was made before CG ruined movie effects forever. Has a soundtrack by AC/DC, which everyone in small American towns loves.

--It (2017)
A monster clown terrorizes a small town for generation after generation, leaving a significant body count. Unlike the previous entry, this Stephen King flick does take itself entirely seriously, but it also works. Objectively superior to the 1990 TV mini-series, and mercifully does not include the 11-year-old gangbang from the original novel. Runs a bit long, and relies too much on jump scares, but not bad.

--The Addams Family (1991)
I want to be Gomez Addams. He's super-rich, dresses great, can sing, dance, play golf, and sword-fight. And most of all, he's still in love with his wife after years of marriage. The movie is merely ok, but I still want to be Gomez.

--Army of Darkness (1992)
Classic fantasy comedy that has shed almost all traces of its horror past in favor of slapstick and one-liners. Basically a modernized version of The Three Stooges. In an alternate timeline to ours, Campbell could have taken Jim Carrey's place as the premier wacky guy from the 90s, because he carries this whole film that would have otherwise been totally forgettable.

--Antiviral (2012)
Red Letter Media suggested I watch this dark satire about a horrible future where people deliberately inject themselves with criplling diseases to be more like trendy dying celebrities. I enjoyed the mockery of A SOCIETY that worships the brainless puppets on TV, but the movie is too slow, has too much gross-out scenes instead of genuine horror, and the initial sickening feeling in your stomach at the premise fades before long.

--Psycho (1960)*
The only scene in this movie that isn't great at the end where the shrink explains for five minutes why the villain was a cross-dressing murderer (Hitchcock said his bosses made him add it for the benefit of the stupider members of the audience).

--Psycho II (1983)*
Cheesier and schlockier than the first, yet still a decent horror movie in its own right. Lots of fun kills, which is about all you can expect from a movie like this. Has the cop from NYPD Blue as a sleazy hotel owner.

--Creepshow (1982)*
An anthology of short horror stories, all over the top goofy. The one with the monster in the box scared @moonman when he was a kid, just like how that dumb movie Communion did for me. Leslie Nielsen hamming it up in his segment as an evil billionaire out for revenge is the best.

--Silent Hill (2006)
Fascinating, vivid imagery almost saves this dull movie. Almost. It's still too long, has a gibberish plot, and wastes too much time with the cult. Cut out 30-45 minutes of fat and add some more scenes with weird sets and monsters and I could actually recommend this. The IMDB trivia section was more entertaining than the movie itself.

--Event Horizon (1997)
SPACE MADNESS plagues a ship full of suckers who are on a mission to salvage another lost spaceship whose crew suddenly killed one another as their ship entered a portal to hell. The characters are all morons, but that's kind of the point. Some bad mid-90s CG, and doesn't know how to properly juggle tension and comedy, but still a better Doom movie than the actual Doom movie.

--Hacksaw Ridge (2016)
I missed this one.

--Hausu (1977)*
Ditto.

--Jaws (1975)
Spielberg proved 40 years ago that he is one of the finest filmmakers to ever live. He makes me momentarily forget that Hollywood deserves to burn in nuclear fire for its sins.

--Vampire Hunter D (1985)*
This horror/action anime movie stars an ancient dhampyr wanders the countryside in 12,000 AD and kills various monsters that threaten the humans he loves. The animation budget was low, but the creators did a lot of interesting things with what little they had. The evil vampire's castle looks particularly rad, even in the current year. Overall, a classic 1980s anime gore flick. This movie clearly inspired Castlevania, which came out a year later.

--Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000)*
A stronger script and and higher animation budget improve this sequel significantly, though the plot is dopey enough that it never loses its B-movie charm. D himself takes a backseat to a much improved supporting cast, all of whom have better motivations than the single-mindedly evil guys of the previous movie. There's even a sympathetic vampire character, though like all undead, he must be purged. The Japanese vocal track was never officially released outside of Japan, so thank piracy that we got to watch it.

--Willow (1988)
Warwick Davis plays a not-a-hobbit who finds a McGuffin and gets caught up in a grand adventure against an Evil Overlord. Blatant self-plagiarism from George Lucas, who was probably also assmad that he didn't get the rights to make a Hobbit movie. Even before the prequels, he was aping his own Star Wars trilogy here. But unlike the prequels, this movie is pretty fun, and the chemistry between Davis and Kilmer saves an otherwise endless storm of fantasy cliches. Peter Jackson probably took a page from this one.

--The Witches (1990)
Missed it. Sorry.

--Life on the Line (2015)*
Not even entertainingly bad. Watch Battlefield Earth instead.

--Bad Santa (2003)
Juvenile gross-out comedy about a degenerate thief/drunk/whoremonger. But is secretly wholesome with its message of helping autistic kids in need so they stop being pushover spergs and start standing up to bullies.

--Die Hard 2 (1990)
OK action flick, but objectively inferior to 1 & 3 due to:
1. Its confusing and moronic script that requires every character except McClane to be retarded,
2. Events that are so unlikely and unrealistic that they beggar belief, and
3. A complete lack of interesting villains, an essential factor to the success of action movies (except Commando).
On the plus side, it has Dennis Franz as an Angry Police Chief who screams his lungs out in multiple scenes. And it's still better than Die Hard 4-.

--Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Largely rehashes the first movie, but on a bigger scale and with more shenanigans, more characters, and more advertisements for plastic junk. When I saw this movie as a kid, I wanted the kind of money the protagonist has on his magic credit card, though of course New York City has been hell on earth for at least as long as I've been alive. Has a Trump cameo in it.

--Krampus (2015)
Multiple sources have told me that this was a surprisingly good Christmas-themed horror movie. They lied.

--Santa with Muscles (1996)
Hulk Hogan in a wig gets amnesia and body slams his way into an orphanage's heart. Childish, cliche, and stupid, and not worth your time. Listen to the Hulkster's rap album instead.

--Jingle All the Way (1996)
I was surprised at how many people in chat had fond childhood memories of this crap. The script is idiotic, Arnold doesn't get many memorable lines (the fatal blow to any Arnie flick), Sinbad is unbearable, all none of the action scenes are anemic. If you want Schwarzenegger in a comedic role, Twins and Junior are slightly less worse.

--The Santa Clause (1994)
I made a mistake in showing so many Christmas movies in a row.

--Twelve Monkeys (1995)
Superb time-travel thriller about Bruce Willis trying to stop a fatal outbreak. A lot of reasons why I like this movie are spoilers, but know that it meets my immensely and impeccable high standards.

--Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Classic (and by classic I mean "old thing that I like") childrens' film where the plot doesn't matter as much as the fantastical environments. A lot of scenes from this movie scared me as a kid, and they remain uniquely bizarre while watching it as an adult.

--Police Story (1985)
I missed this one. Never seen it.

--Breathless (1960)
Le Film Artistique about a horny criminal frenchman and his flaky girlfriend. The middle part of the movie is a huge slog where nothing happens, but at least there are a few short fun bits of spontaneous violence at the beginning and end.

--Drunken Angel (1948)
Living hard is living stupid, dear readers. Every Kurosawa movie is either good or great, and this one is at least good.

--American Sniper (2014)
Blatant US military propaganda designed to get you to sign up to die for ZOG. Vaguely based on real-life events, including the tragic anti-climactic ending, which happens off-screen. This movie still won't make you hate Arabs as much as the daily calls to prayer will.

--God Speed You! Black Emperor (1976)
Documentary about Japanese motorcycle gangs, which were quite the anomaly in such a quiet and peaceful country. I wish loudmouth bikers were the worst thing I ever had to deal with *gets beheaded by peaceful rapefugee*

--The Wave (1981)
After-school special warning high school kids that organizing as a group will inevitably lead to Hitler. A delightfully stupid script and intensely hammy acting make this enjoyable start to finish. Accidentally makes fascism look good.

--Stalker (1979)*
Deliberately inscrutable sci-fi movie about future Russians who try to escape their dreary lives by entering an area where reality works differently. Very long and very slow, but the ponderous pace gives you time to contemplate the visuals. Stalker is extremely well-shot and beautiful in its portrayals of Soviet poverty and misery, if nothing else, and I'll remember how it looks long after I've forgotten everything else about it.

--Petey Wheatstraw the Devil's Son in Law (1977)*
Hysterical blaxploitation flick about a kung-fu brother who magically cleans up the ghetto with Satan's pimp cane. There are tons of badly-choreographed fights, characters will randomly talk in rhyme, and there's a scene where someone blows up a truck full of watermelons with dynamite. Excellent funky soundtrack. I was laughing my ass off the whole time we were watching this. We began Black History Month 2019 with it, which was probably a mistake because nothing could ever top it.

--Precious (2009)*
Misery porn about miserable welfare junkies. The protagonist is an obese high schooler with has two rape babies by her dad, lives with her abusive welfare cheat of a mother, and inhabits a fantasy land where American public schools make you smarter. There's a scene where the protagonist steals and consumes an entire bucket of fried chicken. This movie also likes to remind you that homos are your moral superiors, with about as much subtlety as a Vice article about bodily functions.

--Get Out (2017)
Unconventional horror that I won't spoil, but has the extremely rare message of "blacks and whites can't coexist, and shouldn't". It's still anti-white, like most of Hollywood in the current decade, but the way it gets there is different. The plot has more holes in it than Steve Busecmi's face, but that's not the point.

--Boo! A Madea Halloween (2016)
I can't really hate Tyler Perry movies too much since they're explicity for a different audience than me, and at least they're not enormously pozzed. They're just lame and stupid and predictable.

--Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)*
I missed this one.

--Ghost Dad (1990)
Shitty dramedy starring Bill Cosby as a... ghost dad. This is one of many disappointments, as chat was expecting a ludicrous farce but got a simply boring one. Pictures and videos of Cosby are still good for out-of-context comedic purposes, though.

--Rush Hour (1998)
By-the-numbers but enjoyable action/comedy starring a black cop and a yellow cop. Jackie Chan is great to watch as always, but he dosen't get enough focus compared to his co-star, the deliberately annoying Chris Tucker. Utterly forgettable popcorn flick; watch it if you enjoy whiny spastic clowns.

--Boss Nigger (1975)*
Yes, that's the movie's actual name, as the surprisingly catchy theme song likes to remind us. The movie is a western revenge fantasy about a black man who becomes sheriff of a small town so he can kill whites. Basically every Tarantino wank fantasy, done decades earlier. The end product is ok, but you should watch Petey Wheatstraw instead.

--Black Knight (2001)*
After a time travel coma, Martin Lawrence shucks 'n' jives his way through (a no doubt exhaustively researched) medieval England: Yelling all the time in modern rap slang, teaching squares how to play that funky music, and lucking his way into positions of influence. Not enough material for a full movie; would've been better as a recurring segment on a sketch comedy show. Still better than Black Panther.

--Friday (1995)
Clerks for black people. Two lazy dudes sit in the yard and talk about meaningless shit for 90 minutes, and occasionally some meaningless violence breaks out. Living in real-world ghettos is a lot like that. Also, this movie was encoded improperly and we missed the last 15 minutes; a rare fuckup on my part.

--Next Friday (2000)
More of the same, but better-filmed than the first one, with more memorably wacky scenes and more of a plot. The two make good companion pieces as examples of (snort) BLACK COMEDY. The actor who played the token white guy killed himself after filming; feels bad, man.

--Friday After Next (2002)
An inferior and unnecessary sequel. Tries to recreate the wackiness of the first two, but is just tedious and unfunny. This encoding also crapped before at the end, but we were happy in this case.

--White Man's Burden (1995)*
Preachy what-if story about a magical fantasyland where blacks control America instead of (((whites))). Cheap and gauche and brazenly designed to get you to sympathize with black ciminals, and stars literal communist Harry Belafonte. How Travolting.

--Theodore Rex (1995)*
Abominable buddy cop comedy starring Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur puppet. The direction is incomprehensible and the writing is worse, and the dinosaurs-in-the-modern-world gimmick is retarded beyond belief. Somehow ends up being like an even worse version of the Mario Bros. movie, if you can comprehend such a thing. But unlike that one, this shitpile is easily forgotten.

--Shaft (1971)
One of the very first blaxploitation movies. The protagonist is an unlikeable criminal and the one-liners aren't as clever as they want to be, and every scene is badly-lit. But there's some decent action and the funky soundtrack excels, especially the legendary title track. Its faults are forgiveable due to being an early example of its genre.

--The Wiz (1978)
Missed this one. Had to work.

--Dolemite (1975)*
The same deal (and same actor) as Petey Wheatstraw, just not quite as good. Has more sex and random rhyming, less action and comedy, but still lots. I wouldn't bother unless you already have a fondness for blaxploitation, because we have a similar-but-better movie already.

--Tyson (2008)*
Shockingly candid documentary about the world-famous boxer. Most of it comes from Tyson's own mouth, and he does not pull his punches physically or verbally. Filmed strangely, with the quotes from Tyson overlapping each other into a confusing haze that probably resembles Tyson's thought process. The maniac himself is remarkably lucid and poignant, despite being an insane cannibal rapist.

--Mazes and Monsters (1982)
Lurid, stupid, and putrid howler about a young Tom Hanks who goes permanently insane from playing Dungeons & Dragons. Too long, and while the script is bad it is not bad enough to entertain. Some of you zoomers might not realize exactly how absurd the Reaganites were in the 1980s, but the modern equivalent would be some shitlib news rag calling the Proud Boys nazis and actually influencing the zeitgeist with their faggotry.

--Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
You'd think by now that sci-fi writers would know that giving specific future years for your fiction will inevitably date them (Google "zeerust"), which is probably fine if you don't take yourself as seriously as this movie does. Overly long and pretentious, and the action sequences are laughable, but much like the first Blade Runner, it has gorgeous visuals and the script contains enough interesting ideas to make it worth a watch. You will never have a hologram waifu.

--Chungking Express (1994)
Two lonely chinamen fall in love with two different women. Not much plot, but the multiple perspectives and soundtrack make this decent. One of the rare not-terrible slice-of-life stories.

--The Protector (2005)
A badass Thai martial artist beats the shit out of everyone in Australia to get back his elephant. Has incredibly explosive and creative combat scenes, and tons of them, all memorable, especially the tower scene. Though there are a few annoying bits of downtime where the dumb plot attempts to progress. Someone should make an edit of nothing but the fight scenes (4/5 of the movie), then it will be utterly perfect. My personal favorite action movie, beating out decades of Schwarzenegger and Willis films.

--Cobra (1986)
Sylvester Stallone shoots and mumbles his way through hordes of generic bad guys while tossing one-liners. If that short description appeals to you (and it should, unless you're a pussy), you've probably already seen this. I had to add hardsubs for this one because, well, it has Stallone. Probably the inspiration for my avatar, as the guys who made FOTNS were clearly inspired by American action flicks.

--Casino (1995)
Basically the same thing as Goodfellas, but an 8/10 film instead of a 10/10. Similar plot, most of the same actors, and high quality, but just a bit lesser. One slight advantage Casino has is that the casino setting is more interesting than mafia shenanigans in general. A more interesting movie than I'm probably making it sound.

--Casino Royale (2006)
This was the hot new James Bond reboot at the time, and it was "grittier" and less goofy than previous films: More violence, more believable villains, a minimum of crazy comic book gadgets, but still recognizably Bond, and enjoyable from start to finish. One thing I disliked was the a scene where Bond wins at poker just because he has the heart of the cards or some bullshit. It would have been better if he admitted in-movie that he had cheated somehow, which would have seemed more spy-ish and fit in with the attempted realism of the rest of the movie. 

--Brazil (1985)
Story about a British bureaucratic nightmare in a decaying shithole with low standards of living, enormous government oppression, endless misery, and tiny glimpses of what used to be, just like the real Britain. It's cliche to remark upon how dystopian fiction resembles reality, but if you live in Airstip One in the current year, you need to take your little pleasures in life where you can get them, and watching this movie helps.

--Forrest Gump (1994)
Tom Hanks plays a benevolent, hard-working, inspirational retard who is retconned into every significant event from the 1960s and 70s. Unabashedly nostalgia porn for boomers, but still finely crafted and enjoyable for us superior Xillenials. Jenny is the real villain of the film.

--Phantasm (1979)*
I missed this one.

--Rosemary's Baby (1968)
A movie about Satanist Jews who control Hollywood, made by a pedophile Jew in Hollywood. It's really good.

--Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
Never seen any part of this movie except the yellowface bits.

--Constantine (2005)*
Keanu Reeves doesn't fit the DC paranormal private eye character very well, but the rest of the cast is decent, and the scene where Satan rips the cancer out of Reeves's lungs with his bare hands still sticks with me. When I wasn't present and @moonman wanted to watch a movie, at least this time he had the decency to show one he knew I've already seen.

--Outlaw King (2018)
Dark (both in tone and in lighting), filthy, and agonizing look at the struggle over political power and autonomy in Britain at the height of the Dung Ages. Since this is from Netflix, I expected it to have a bunch of Zulus and homos in middle ages Scotland, to remind whites that we deserve nothing but humiliation and death. Instead, we got Braveheart 2: Historically accurate edition. They had to throw in some gratuitous nudity to compete with Game of Thrones, but this movie is far less insulting.

--Traxx (1988)*
Earnestly terrible action movie about a Renegade Cop who Doesn't Play By The Rules. Has an Angry Police Chief Telling the Protagonist To Turn In His Badge 90 seconds into the movie, and the cliches and explosions only increase from there. Freaking rad.

--Memento (2000)
A man with severe memory issues due to an injury tries to get his broken brain together long enough to find out who killed his wife and get revenge. Shown in reverse chronological order, which might sound stupid at first, but this movie works better with the gimmick, and real-life shrinks have said the movie is a surprsingly accurate portrayal of the rare anterograde amnesia. Bravo, Nolan, I love you.

--The Iron Giant (1999)
The wholesome and heartwarming (and I mean that unironically) tale of a child and his pet robot in 1950s Americana. A tight script, excellent performances, and almost all hand-drawn. Enjoyable by all audiences; I'd gladly show this to my kids if I weren't a lazy pathetic wizard. Too bad I accidentally spoiled the ending beforehand by playing some clickbait video to kill time. 

--Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Brilliant 80s action flick about the fictional philosopher-warrior with decapitations, trickery, sorcery, orgies, and a surprising amount of moments of quiet contemplation. Read the IMDB trivia page for more fun stuff, like Schwarzenegger biting the neck of a real culture during filming. This movie also has some prime Arnold grunts. DAH! GAH! HEHAGEEEHA!

--K-ON! Movie (2011)*
Animu girls play music and travel. Not really much plot, but a fine break from the horrible reality of PissEarth. Nep requested we watch this one, because life in the current year is such a nightmare that sometimes you just want to watch cute girls doing cute things.

--Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade (1999)*
This is the movie that created the RIGHT-WING DEATH SQUADS meme, so I was expecting a lot of action and a lot of commies getting shredded by automatic gunfire. Instead, it's a really tedious examination of a future soldier's PTSD. That's not a bad idea in itself, but the execution is so damn boring and the movie should've been 20 minutes long instead of two hours. Too slow, too many pointless characters, and not as interesting as it thinks it is. Anything else by Satoshi Kon is way better.

--Cruising (1980)
Al Pacino plays a young cop who goes undercover to investigate a series of murders in the world of butt pirates. This movie unflinchingly and accurately portrays gay bars as repulsive dens of depravity where diseased men destroy themselves with horrific sex acts and drug abuse. Anything you might notice about the plot or acting or directing gets swallowed up by the horrific parade of misery and death that contradicts the idealized portrayal of homos in the current year. I was planning to show more gay movies for the rest of June, but this movie was so viscerally grotesque that I switched to happier, family-friendly fare instead.

--Old Yeller (1957)
A boy growing up in the American old west learns to love a little runt of a dog that he initially hated. You probably know the ending (which I won't needlessly ruin), but still worth watching so you can remember a time when movies promoted hard work, responsibility, and respect for your elders.

--Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Clean comedy about a small-town dork's slice of life adventures with his loser friends, loser family, and overpowering autism. Has almost no swearing, violence, sexual, or poz, yet manages to be genuinely funny at least 60% of the time thanks to the lead actor's believable spergery and the director's accurate and endearing portrayal of rural Idaho.

--Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
Robin Williams plays an actor who dresses in drag to spend some quality time with his kids that were denied him by a corrupt court system. Williams is wacky and energetic as usual, but this movie carries a certain pathos for a character who keeps getting screwed no matter how good he tries to be. Contains a lot of tranny jokes that would get the filmmaker blacklisted or physically assaulted today. A movie celebrating dads for Father's Day; we tried not to dwell on the fact that Williams killed himself over Gamergate.

--Bee Movie (2007)
I'm glad I went to work instead of watching this shit.

--Wall-E (2008)
You've probably seen this one already, and it is worth watching. Amusingly, this "wholesome" movie has two separate dystopian scenarios: an entire planet filled with garbage and cockroaches, and a space station filled with obese losers enslaved to their comfort machines. Guess which one we're going to live in?

--Bicycle Thieves (1948)
Tragedy about an extremely poor Italian family struggling to survive in an economic toilet. The ending is incredibly sad and human and uncomfortably believable.

--Kramer vs Kramer (1979)
Dustin Hoffman stars in another movie about a dad who gets screwed over by an ungrateful feminist wife and a cruel feminist court system. Remember when Hollywood gave a shit about those?

--The Lego Batman Movie (2017)
The trillonth Batman movie; I forget who requested it. Surprisingly not bad for something made in the current-year era, though of course as a FUCKING WHITE MALE Batman has to be a "toxically masculine" butt of every joke. Still, I didn't hate myself when watching it.

--Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)
A frantic nerdy weirdo goes on a quest to save his bicycle; hijinks ensue. This bike movie is a surreal comedy, with a Danny Elfman soundtrack, unlike Bicycle Thieves. Paul Reubens manages to be goofy without being unsettling, and though ghe novie is simply a series of wacky situations, it's enjoyable all the way through and not "cringe" as the normies say. One of @moonman's favorite movies. 

--The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)*
Z-grade Gremlins ripoff about farting, puking dolls come to life. It sucked. Nearly unwatchable in its shocking badness. Only noteworthy for possibly being the world's first use of the word "normie". 

--Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)*
You how how Speed had been called "Die Hard on a bus"? This is Die Hard on a Segway. It follows almost all of the same beats, except the main actor is out of shape. Full of cliches, stupid dialogue, and stupider jokes (lol, fat man fall down!), there is so reason to watch this over the superior Segway movie, The Protector. This shitpile made 183 million dollars. 

--The Fifth Element (1997)
Bruce Willis plays a future taxi driver who lives in a shithole and has to guide a MacGuffin chick to save the FutureFuture. Every character is memorably wacky, especially that spaz Chris Tucker and his foppish future DJ. The setpieces and costumes are all superb, and even the SFX has aged well. Lucas definitely ripped off this movie's visuals and some of the plot for the Star Wars prequels. Somehow I had never seen this movie until now, and I wish I had seen it sooner, because it was great. 

--Groundhog Day (1993)
Bill Murray takes a break from Epstein's childrape island to star as a snarky asshole who is magically trapped in a one-day timeloop until he learns to stop being an asshole. Exceptionally well-crafted, charming and amusing, and I can watch it repeatedly and always notice new things. Strongly recommend. 

--The Shining (1980)
One of the all-time greatest horror movies, from the insane genius Stanley Kubrick. Intense, exhausting, and detailed with esoterica. Nicholson iconically plays his lunatic character like a man possessed, but Shelley Duvall is even better as the longsuffering wife who incorrectly believes she can save her marriage. By the last act of the movie she looks like she's been through a Vietnam torture chamber and had all the energy and happiness sucked out of her, which I suppose is an accurate description of what it's like to work for Stanley Kubrick.

--Chameleon (1998)
Someone else was paying this low-budget "thriller". And, fittingly, I was paying attention to something else when it was on screen. Haw!

--Hero (2002)
Visually flashy ChinaGov propaganda film about some Three Kingdoms shit or something. I dunno, they arr rook same. The beautiful sets and colorful costumes don't make up for the tedious script and poor pacing. At least they had the decency to make it 90 minutes and not some 3 hour epic. 

--A Separation (2011)
An Iranian couple goes through a nasty divorce in a culture that strongly discourages such things. Surprisingly well-shot, acted, and polished for a film from Durhkadurkhastan. @why recommended this one, and his taste in artfag movies is impressive as always.

--Back to the Future (1985)
One of the most fun, happy, and memorable movies of the decade. Nearly every character is uniquely fascinating, the humor is clever, and the two main actors (Fox and Lloyd) give the most entertaining performances of their careers. The only thing I don't like is the incest subtext/jokes, but that's the only Hollywood poz in this otherwise wholesome movie. Moon ordered me to play this, and it was so pleasurable that everyone in chat wanted to see the sequels the week after.

--Full Contact (1992)
I missed this because I had to go to work, but it looked like some good cheesy Asian action flick. I'll have to watch it eventually, either on SPC or on my own time.

--Back to the Future Part II (1989)
Not as good as the first one, but still very good, and as a sequel the plot is noticeably and interestingly different. Fox and Lloyd give more great performances, and the portrayal of the distant future of 2015 still generates some good cheap laughs. Notable that the villain was not-so-subtly based on Donald Trump, who Hollywood at the time just kind of disliked.

--Back to the Future Part III (1990)
The third in a movie trilogy is usually the weakest, but not here. The script's time-travel hijinx and the legitimately loveable protagonists build up an excellent sequel that has the right combination of new stuff and callbacks to previous films. Better than II but still not quite as good as the first one.

--Hot Fuzz (2007)
Everyone from Shaun of the Dead (including the director) returns for another goofy British mystery/action comedy. Exceptionally well-made; every snide joke strikes deep and every action scene satisfies the lizard brain. There are no flaws in this film and you should watch it.

--Blazing Saddles (1974)
Blatant pro-black propaganda about a Nubian sheriff who outsmarts an old west town full of stupid whites. Manages to still be funny 45 years later; I've heard people quoting it my whole life.

--Bio-Dome (1996)*
Two dumbass hedonistic stoners get stuck in a sealed environment with some scientists. A third of the jokes are fart/poop, a third are MUH DIK, and a third are the two stoners flailing their arms around. Peurile and annoying. Still, less worse than some of the stuff we've watched for Garbage Day. @coolboymew liked this movie as a kid, which proved that kids are stupid.

--Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)*
I expected a crap flick we could laugh at, but instead got a slickly-made, well-produced action movie. The premise and title are retarded, but the entire length of the movie are precisely well-crafted shots and visceral fights. The script is still dumb, but the aesthetics made this surprisingly good.

--Cool as Ice (1991)
Absurd vanity project for the then-popular Vanilla Ice in which he plays the leader of a benevolent motorcycle gang, and whose awkward attempts to seduce a small-town girl end up saving that town from organized crime. Stupid and full of cliches, this movie doesn't offer much besides its ridiculous history. Ice and his gang dress like Jojo characters and the movie is surprisingly well-shot--kudos to the guy running the camera--but this movie is otherwise trash, and deservedly bombed at the box office.

--Vampire's Kiss (1988)
This is allegedly the movie that put Nic Cage on the map as the wacky overactor that everyone memes about. I find him tedious most of the time. The first 20 minutes of the movie sucked ass, so I went to work instead.

--Summer Wars (2009)
Animu about a leet haxor trying to unfuck previous problems he had caused while hacking an immersive VR MMO. That previous sentence probably nakes this movie sound cooler than it actually is; most of the runtime is about sappy teen romance in meatspace. If you want rad cyberpunk Matrix battles, Summer Wars only has a little bit at the beginning and end. While writing this review a couple months later, I struggled to remember anything interesting that happened during the movie. It is mildly entertaining, but also conventional and predictable, which might make it a decent introduction to anime for the completely uninitiated.

--First Blood (1982)
I'd heard that the first Rambo movie was more psychological horror than plain action flick, but there is still tons of action here, especially for the year it was made. There's supposed to be some "social commentary" (or something gay like that) about Vietnam veterans being unfairly shat on, but the real purpose is to watch Stallone fight a bunch of dudes. This early version of John Rambo is not an invincible demigod of death like he is in sequels; (and the total body count is one. One!) Stallone can't act well, but he does an OK job of presenting the character's vulnerability, which increases tension and makes his fights better to watch. Highly recommended.

--The Dark Crystal (1982)
SHUT
IT
DOWN

--Friday the 13th (1980)*
A low-budget ripoff of Halloween/Texas Chain Saw Massacre/etc. that inexplicably became hugely popular. Fails to generate tension and fear like a horror movie should; just watch for the tits and gore. The only legitimately good part is the SECRET TWIST ENDING, which honestly takes people by surprise even if they know about the franchise from its presence in pop culture.

--Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)*
@why kicked off October by playing the first three of these movies on a Friday, eventually playing all twelve. I missed this one and I don't feel bad about it.

--Friday the 13th Part III (1982)*
Never seen this one, either. At least @why and others had a blast drunkenly binge-watching these.

--Hocus Pocus (1993)
Thoroughly enjoyable kids' movie (???) about witches from times past sent to the current year to look for prey. Bette Midler, clearly having the time of her life, steals the show as the lead witch and lead ham. It's basically a live-action Scooby-Doo episode, for good or ill. The movie has a surprising amount of sexual innuedo for something targeted at kids, in case you forget who runs Hollywood.

--Soylent Green (1973)
Charlton Heston plays a corrupt cop in a near-future dystopia plagued by overpopulation, starvation, and apathy. A different kind of horror movie, or at least it tries to be; the pacing sucks and the supposedly nightmarish future-city is less terrible than most IRL 1 million+ population American shitholes. Best character is Heston's crotchety old Jewish roommate, who remembers when the world was less shitty, and who has a fantastic final moment. You already know what the ending is, though, and A Clockwork Orange does the same kind of setting better.

--Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)*
By the time time you're four movies deep into a horror franchise, it's going to devolve into cheesy campy retardation, and everybody knows it, including the people making the movie. That's not necessarily bad cinema--I liked Hocus Pocus--but it can be bad. By movie four, you're past the sweet spot of respectable movies--the trilogy--and shamelessly admitting that you're in it for a quick buck. I haven't actually seen this movie, I just wanted to pontificate about franchises that run on for an eternity.

--Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)*
This one I was able to catch during the marathon. It's everything you would expect: Trashy horror full of cliches, bad acting, and worse special effects. By the fifth movie, it became all about the creative kills, which is good, because there's nothing else of value here. Watch with friends for the cheap laughs... like your friends on Shitposter.club.

--Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)*
More goofy, bloody, trashy schlock. I have no clever comments on this review (and why start now?)

--The Exorcist (1973) (Director's Cut)
Frequently considered the best horror movie ever made, and still phenomenal 46 years later. The events of the second half are so masterfully presented that they are quite literally unforgettable, but I won't spoil them, because they are worth watching unspoiled. The first half of the movie is a bit slow; it does merely a good job (not a superb one) of building hype for the electrifying exorcism sequence. Also, we watched the director's cut, which had some dumb things added and one good scene added, but both versions of The Exorcist are undeniably excellent examples of the genre.

--Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) (Remastered version)
Yes, we immediately followed up the best horror movie with the worst one. Legendarily bad and universally mocked (including at its own premiere), everything about Manos is incompetent and baffling. The script sucks, the directing sucks, the actors suck, the music sucks, but it was all a a passion project made by a--no shit--actual fertilizer salesman who thought he was creating a spooky piece of master. Mercifully, the movie is over quickly so you can head to IMDB to read the trivia page, which is way more fun than the movie itself. Watch with normies to see if they can endure it.

--Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)*
The seventh movie is noteworthy because it has a premise slightly beyond the typical slasher formula:  This time there's a chick with psychic powers to fight the undead murderer! No, it's still not a good movie, but it has more retarded gimmicks for you and your friends to laugh at. And laughing at it with friends is the only way you should watch these movies.

--Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)*
--Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)*
Missed them.

--Se7en (1995)
Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman attempt to solve an insane series of murders based on the seven deadly sins. The creatively grotesque murders are the highlight of the movie, though Pitt and Freeman also work well as stressed-out cops who get thwarted at every step by an inventive madman. The ending is fantastic, and would be worth it alone, but the buildup that the script and cinematography provide are endearingly bleak; most scenes were filmed in the dark or in the rain, for example. Part of the shock is that no one in 1995 expected Kevin Spacey to play a disgusting sadistic psychopath. Ha!

--Demons (1985)
Missed it. Sorry, whoever added it.

--Jason X (2002)*
Is this the one where cyborg Jason fights a robot hooker on a spaceship? Because I feel bad about missing that one.

--Freddy vs. Jason (2003)*
Never seen this one, but I should.

--Friday the 13th (2009)*
Missed it. Sorry I missed most of your marathon, @why.

--Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
I picked this one for October because it's horror, but a different kind of horror, the kind that exploits your human kindness and uses it to grind you into the dirt. And it is the ultimate in making you feel like shit. No spoilers here, but if you're not feeling suicidal, this movie is a must watch.

--Oldboy (2003)
A drunken Korean salaryman gets forcibly locked in a hotel room for 15 years with only dumplings and a TV to keep him sane, then he is released into the city with an equal lack of explanation and must find out why. Oldboy is a combination mystery, crime thriller,  psychological horror, and action movie. Much like Se7en (which probably inspired it), every scene is cleverly written in working towards a nightmarish final reveal, but Oldboy has moments of dark humor sprinkled throughout, like the octopus eating scene and the real reason why Dae-Su was locked in a hotel. I notice more fascinating details on each rewatch. Watch it, and the two other movies that make a kind of loose trilogy.

--Battle Angel Alita OVA (1993)*
A cute cyborg girl fights gross criminals in a futuristic shithole, under the gaze of an uncaring city in the sky. Inferior to both the manga and the 2019 live-action movie, this is still a short decent watch if you want some anime tits n gore. The love story is surprisingly genuine, considering the lurid nature of the rest of the plot.

--Strike Witches the Movie (2012)*
I want to know what confused series of events led to the creation of this franchise about pantsless animu girls with airplanes for legs flying around and shooting each other. It's like a dumber Touhou, without the fun of playing a video game. Fortunately, some of the airplane girls are titty monsters, which kept me awake. Unlike nepfag@pl.smuglo.li, who requested this, but still fell asleep during it. Sad!

--M.D. Geist (1986)*
Basically plotless 45-minute movie about a super badass dude shooting other dudes, blowing up robots, and patrolling thots. The animation is excellent, since Japan was drowning in money in the 1980s and could afford to make little projects like this look freaking great. Stupid and pointless, but fun nonetheless.

--Halloween (1978)*
An evil dude does evil things in a small town, baffling the locals. Sounds bland, but the presentation excels, and the cast makes you genuinely afraid of the villain. Most horror movies from the past 40 years copied at least a little from this.

--Happy Gilmore (1996)
Adam Sandler plays Adam Sandler being a violent-but-benevolent goofball, with a thin veneer of golf on top if it. Utterly juvenile, self-indulgent, and stupid, yet has a charismatic kind of weirdness instead of the gross-out humor of Sandler's later movies. Spits on the quiet dignity of golf for cheap laughs, but golf is gay anyway.

--Double Dragon (1994)*
Vaguely based on the vidya, but takes more inspiration from The Warriors (which we watched last year). The script is a barrage of cliches, the action scenes are frequent but pathetic, and the worst part of all is that there is none of memorably cheesy lines or ridiculous fights you'd expect from dumb action flicks. Bad (TO THE BONE) but not completely unwatchable, though you should be watching The Warriors, Mortal Kombat, or the Van Damme Street Fighter instead.

--Super Mario Brothers: Peach-hime Kyuushutsu Daisakusen (1986)*
Kids's cartoon kinda-retelling the events of the first game, and even throws in a few references to The Legend of Zelda, which was a new release at the tone. Cheap-looking compared to most 80s anime, it's still way better than any western version of Mario we ever got, and better than the first movie we watched that day.

--A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Comedy/heist movie by some of the Monty Python guys. Every character is a lying backstabbing weasel, but every betrayal they commit fails to help them get ahead or acquire the stolen goods. Though it lacks the impressive visuals of Time Bandits or The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, the dialogue between the cast of bastardly thieves is clever, if not sensationally memorable. Like all good comedies, it doesn't drag on too long, and it's kind of damning that that's the best thing I can say about it.

--Howard the Duck (1986)
Somehow not the worst thing George Lucas has produced, since the Star Wars Holiday Special still exists.

--Airplane! (1980)
Goofy parody (of a specific disaster movie) where Leslie Nielsen and some other normally-serious actors attempt to save a commercial airplane that keeps failing in comical ways. Most of the jokes are grim/raunchy visual gags, clever wordplay you'd expect from The New Yorker, or jokes at the expense of airlines in general, and while I didn't get a few 40-year-old pop culture references, most of the jokes still landed. @guizzy saved us when the SeriousTube server broke down 10 minutes into this showing and he provided his own server. Thank you Guizzy!

--Despicable Me (2010)
Energetic romp about dueling caetoon supervillains trying to one-up each other in increasingly ridiculous ways, like a Road Runner cartoon. Oh, and there are some annoying brats and chittering Tic-Tacs in there somewhere, but they don't matter, unless you're some kind of fag who wants to have children someday. I imagine the sequels have more of the latter and less of the Looney Tunes stuff, so I haven't watched them. I don't have the visceral hatred for minions that some do, but let me throw a bone to those that do: All fucking minions must fucking hang.

--Office Space (1999)
A miserable office drone gets sick of his soul-sucking job and decides to liven it up with unauthorized renovations, insulting his bosses, and (ultimately) embezzling from his company. Part misery porn, part motivational propaganda, and darkly funny start to finish. I don't even know if we're supposed to learn a lesson from this movie, but it stuck with me more than any faggy motivational poster ever did. Everything written by Mike Judge is great.

--Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)
Jim Carrey plays a businessman who loses his job and tries to bullshit his way into keeping his house. Not very interesting until the second half, where Carrey and his wife decide to become bank robbers, whereupon the movie awkwardly transitions into a crime/romance fling. Not worth viewing unless you just can't get enough Carrey.

--National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Raunchy comedy about a dysfunctional family and their doomed attempts to celebrate Christmas. Seems bland by today's standards, but this was shockingly rude, crude and lewd in a pre-Simpsons world. Many still think of this movie as an uproarious yuletide masterpiece, but I'll put coal in its stockings every year. :geneshalit:

--Gremlins (1984)
Horror/comedy about nasty little creatures that cause mayhem and property damage everywhere they go. The plot of Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates trying to stop the gremlins is not as important as the absolute spectacle of the chaos the gremlins bring. They rip apart kitchens, cause car wrecks, shit up a tavern, and multiply while screaming and cackling like Xbox Live players. The animatronics and practical effects still hold up, and the musical score is equally chaotic and memorable.

--Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
Most movie sequels just want to give you more of the same. Instead, this sequel decides to go full Looney Tunes with an even goofier plot, lots of fourth-wall breaking jokes, more gimmicky gremlins, and various celebrity cameos, just for the hell of it. Don't try to make sense of it; just enjoy the campiness and even-better puppets. The secondary antagonist is a pompous Trumpalike who does the usual crookes businessman things, also with a comedic bent. Audiences didn't like it as much as the first because they are filthy plebs, but this is an even more clever and rambunctious comedy than the first. I'm glad we never got modern sequels with woke posturing and terrible CG gremlins.

--Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)
I played this along with some other decent Christmas-related filler for December. Doorknob Goofy scared the shit out of me as a kid.

--Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)
Probably the best action movie ever made. Fuck you, it doesn't need any more review than that. 

--Speed Racer (2008)
You'll never guess what this one's about. Visually impressive but dumb and way too long. The Wachowski brothers can make a good fight scene, but this movie is mostly predictable car races, though there's a good kung-fu battle near the end. Yeah I know it's a movie for kids, but kids can have better taste. Even John Goodman barely makes this mediocre. I forget who on the Fediverse suggested this crap, but they deserve to get laughed at and/or called names.

--Some Like It Hot (1959)
Comedy starring two failed jazz musicians who witness a mob murder and have to disguise themselves as women to escape. The jokes about genitalia, trannies, gay marriage, etc. were incredibly raunchy for their time, and in an amusing reversal, too "problematic" for Current Year. Too long (comedies shohld be 90 minutes, maximum) but has lots of amusing scenes. Also features Marilyn Monroe, who was doped out of her freakin' mind and clearly couldn't remember her lines.

--Persepolis (2007)
The story of a girl in 1970s-80s Iran and Europe trying to survive the war and revolution that she can't understand. The story is one worth telling, and it's told decently here, but I can't get over how horrible and cunty the narrator/author is. She lies, she demands, she breaks laws for fun, she goes through boyfriends like toilet paper, she gets flown around the world at someone else's expense, all the while treating everyone like shit and stubbornly ungrateful that she's repeatedly been saved from death. And despite the script acting like it's all a big tragedy, the protagonist ends up fine in the end and doesn't learn jack shit. I was almost rooting for whichever Muslim group controlled Iran at any certain point just so they could bring justice upon her head. You can feel sympathy for every single other character, just not her. Maybe it's just following the autobiographical indie comic trend of showing every gross and embarrassing thing the author ever did or saw. And of course the critics loved it because the author has a vag. I still have fond views of this movie (against all odds) and the comic it came from, but Marjane Satrapi is a major-league asshole.

--Arena (1989)
Deliberately stupid ripoff of Rocky, but in space. Jam-packed with 80s sports movies cliches AND 80s sci-fi movie cliches: Big hairdos, sub-Shatner acting skills, cheap rubber alien costumes, and a 100% predictable script about an underdog boxer. It's all mildly amusing, but not nearly amusing enough to carry the movie; everyone in chat was bored by the halfway point. Watch any Schwarzenegger or Stallone movie instead of this. 

--Joker (2019)
Insane guy tries and fails to live in SOCIETY. The protagonist is only slightly more likeable than Persepolis's, and I scoffed rather than gasped or laughed at the endless train of misery the script puts him through. Phoenix plays a decent crazy guy with his bad hygiene and verbal tics, and the scenery certainly feels like a 1980s shithole, but the movie has little else to offer. When Joker finally decides to start killing people, it doesn't feel like a man driven to his limits, it feels like the creators decided they needed bump up the violence. The ending is not cathartic, but comes across as just one more wet fart of a scene in a series of them. It's hugely overrated, but not bad. At least, unlike most movies grossing over a billion dollars, this one isn't unwatchable trash. And it did not need to be tied into DC Comics or the Batman mythos, and those thin appellations fail to make the viewer stop thinking about Taxi Driver.

--Cuck (2019)
This is the superior crazy-guy-gets-bullied-into-becoming-violent movie of 2019. Not because it's good (it isn't), but because of its unique badness. You see, Hollywood hates you if you live in "flyover country". They think you're a FUCKING WHITE MALE who is fat and stupid, hates nonwhites and women and homos, abuses his mom (whom he lives with in a trailer, of course), watches FAR-RIGHT Youtubers (cuckservative shills who openly promote violence in a way that only Antifa gets away with), drinks a lot, jacks off a lot (no fewer than EIGHT times in this film), and will turn into a savage murderous criminal if no one gives him what he wants (sex, money, respect, etc). Hollywood thinks you deserve to be humiliated by literal whores and their superior black/brown lovers. It's your punishment for voting for BONALD BLORMF, who Hollywood thinks is just a wealthier version of everything I listed above. But somehow, all this moronic bullshit coalesces into something that works. The enormous retardation of the cuck protagonist works. When it uses five-years-out-of-date slang (when's the last time you heard someone unironically say "redpilled"?), it works. When the protagonist becomes a literal cuck in cuckold porn, it works. When not-Ben-Shapiro tells him to bomb a federal building, it works.When he snaps and shoots people on the street for no good reason, it works. It all works because this script is the work of a deluded no-talent Hollywood shitlib who thinks other media portrayals of FUCKING WHITE MALES are accurate, and he wants to one-up them. It's like the spiritual sequel to that Law & Order episode about Gamergate. It's like a Sabbatean Frankist ritual in a movie: it actually achieves the coveted "so bad, it's good" award. Watch it or you're a fucking cuck.

--Rurouni Kenshin: Meiji Kenkaku Romantan - Tsuioku-hen (1999) [AKA Samurai X: Trust & Betrayal]
A ronin trusts a thot, with tragic consequences. Better than the main Kenshin series because it takes itself 100% seriously, with fewer anime cliches, and more kickass violence. I like this 4-episode OVA, but it was too slow and ponderous for Movie Night. 

--Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Eddie Murphy plays a wisecracking renegade cop who doesn't play by the rules, but dammit, he gets results. Yes, he's a ridiculous Mary Sue: Murphy outfights and outsmarts both friends and enemies, his every hunch turns out to be a genius move, bullets fly everywhere and keep missing him, every woman lusts after him, etc. It's a self-indulgent cop movie cliche-fest, but it's still 1980s Eddie Murphy, so his antics are charming and you can't hate him. I need to watch the sequels.

--Bad Boys (1995)
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as cartoony cops who break every procedure and blow up bad guys and live in beachside mansions on police salaries. This is a Michael Bay movie, so it is competently filmed, though breathtakingly retarded. Smith is entertaining, as always, and Lawrence is unfunny, also as always. You came to this movie for explosions and one-liners, and that's what you'll get.

--The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
We took a break from black ppl movies to watch this Western epic, because I had a Sunday night off. And it is epic, i.e. large in scale; 3 hours to tell the story of three ruthless bastards each looking for a buried treasure and each getting in the other's way in ironic and amusing ways. Full of action, dark humor, tense showdowns, clever quips, and some phenomenal aesthetics, especially the often-imitated soundtrack. I also liked that the American Civil War is happening in the background, but our greedy/psychopathic leads only care about the stash of gold. My only complaint is that the movie didn't need two separate captured-by-the-army sections, though the second one has a fun character in the drunken captain. Those wops sure can make a kickass Western movie. If you haven't seen it already, you're wrong. 

--Boyz n the Hood (1991)
Poor black people in the ghetto, just tryna get by. Critics called it "gritty" "realistic" and "uncompromising" amongst other cliches, as if they didn't know about the previous two decades of movies about black poverty and criminal behavior. 100% of cops are cartoonish assholes, because that's apparently how blacks perceive them (joke's on them, the actual number is only 70%). Contains Lawrence Fishburne as a "woke" dumbass who is supposed to be exceptional because he hates whitey. Cool soundtrack. Someone in chat called the movie "Friday, serious version" and they were right, except this movie is mostly funny by accident.

--The Last King of Scotland (2006)
A fictionalized biopic about Ugandan dictator Idi Amin and his pet Scotsman. Forest Whittaker has a terrifying performance as the dangerous and delusional tyrant. No shit, this is the best performance of his life, and while filming in Uganda the people there honestly thought the real Amin had come back. James McAvoy as Amin's doctor (a composite character based on several real-life people who were in similar situations) is good in his own right, and we feel as anxious as he does as Uganda gets even worse. Watch this movie.

--Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
This movie is nothing but 100 minutes of businessmen shouting and cussing at each other, and it's fantastic. The cast is full of great actors trying to out-act each other: Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Alec Baldwin, Ed Harris, Kevin Spacey... it's a great time, and Mamet is supreme at writing quick, punchy dialogue. Watch it. It's uncommon for Movie Night to fall on a holiday (about 1 in 7, right?) but today it did, and we watched a movie with an all (FUCKING WHITE) male cast on International Women's Day. This was genuinely a coincidence, but it made me laugh when someone in chat pointed it out. We'll have to watch Downfall and Up In Smoke for 4/20.

--Duck Soup (1933)
The Marx Brothers do wacky stuff, ostensibly in a political context, but actually because it's just funny. Groucho bamboozles uptight people with his fast-talking nonsense, Chico is a surly, greedy prick, Harpo plays the harp, and all of them perform great physical comedy. Don't worry about the plot; just file this under "old movies that aren't boring". 

--City Lights (1931)
Missed this one. Sorry, @why!

--The General (1926)
Caught the last 15 minutes of this silent movie and it was pretty good. Need to see the whole thing sometime.

--Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
Mel Brooks' (probably) last movie is an average-quality comedy about Leslie Nielsen hamming it up (or should I say BATTING it up!? :geneshalit:) as the prince of darkness. His fake Romanian accent is tolerable, but most of the jokes are obvious and lazy. If you're expecting some clever mockery of the Dracula story or horror movies in general, there's not much here. There's a lot of toilet humor and some decent visual gags, but the movie feels like a Saturday Night Live skit that goes on for far too long. On the plus side, all the actresses have large and prominent tits, AKA the best special effect.

--Asterix and Cleopatra (1968)
Every cartoon (print or animated) from the past 50+ years owes a lot to Asterix. Unfortunately, this movie is merely a series of 5-6 minute bits rather than a cohesive story; perhaps the creators were still married to the typical short comedy format. Despite not taking full advantage of the medium of film, Asterix is almost always fun. France produces the best animation outside of Japan, and Asterix fans tell me this movie is the best place to start with the series.

--Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)
I feel like supporting this movie just because its creators--in a shocking display of maturity--didn't throw a shit-fit and complain on Twitter about -isms and - phobias when viewers correctly identified the first trailer's depiction of Sonic as a pile of shit. Instead of whining, they took great expense to transform Sonic into an okay-looking muppet from the Cookie Monster's Cthulhuian hairball he was before. As for the movie itself, it's a bit of minorly enjoyable kids' entertainment: Sonic goes fast, wacky misunderstandings are had, none of the the human characters matter except Jim Carrey (who steals the show by being every bit the overacting spaz he was in his 1990s heyday), and there are lots of little references to the Genesis games, AKA the only good Sonic games. I particularly liked the scene in the saloon, which had little to do with the plot but was better than the rest of Sonic's scenes combined. Watch it, if you must watch a kids' movie; it's a decent one.

--Pulp Fiction (1994)*
I agree with Greg Johnson that this movie, if  you strip away the Seinfeldian dialogue and ultraviolence, is about people making honorable decisions: Vincent is obviously attracted to his employer's wife but makes the morally correct decision to not try to fuck her. Butch may have betrayed his gangster boss and won the boxing match he was supposed to lose, but dammit, he's going to save his dad's pocket watch at great personal danger, because you don't dishonor your family like that, and he's certainly not going to abandon the aforementioned boss to be raped and killed by stereotypical hicks. Jules abandons his life of crime and finds God, and lives because of it; Vincent doesn't, and doesn't. Hell, the glowing object in the suitcase is implied to be a human soul, probably the thing these hardened criminals actually value the most. Despite being a disgusting anti-white footfag, Tarantino at least pretends to understand morality and honor, and these concepts permeate this movie if you pay attention. Some reviewers hate Pulp Fiction's non-linear plot structure and the characters constantly snarking at everyone, but I would at least argue that putting the diner robbery scene bookending the movie was a good choice. But this micro-review is running long, so let's move on to the next one. 

--Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
John Carpenter's energetic comedy/action movie stars Kurt Russell not knowing what the hell is going on, but managing to fight/talk/luck his way out of dangerous situations in every scene anyway. Revels in kung-fu movie and cop movie cliches with overly-elaborate choreography, corny one-liners, and a gigantic dose of 1980s cheese. Some scenes of bad guys getting killed (especially the one who inflates himself for no good reason, holy shit) still show up as reaction gifs to this day. BTILC is proof that you can deliberately create a cult classic if you're a competent director who knows how to have fun and your heart is in it. Watch this movie, rewatch it, and never stop liking it.

--Annie Hall (1977)
A young Woody Allen has an unstable relationship with his girlfriend, and complains about it non-stop through the whole movie in amusing ways. That's the sum of the movie, and it's better than it sounds. Allen's character is the best and worst of Judaism: whiny and self-centered and ungrateful, but also genuinely clever and funny and oddly charming as he ridicules everyone he meets (either to their face or in sly little speeches to the audience). There's a scene where he has dinner with his girlfriend's family and he's being unreasonably self-conscious about being jewish (even though he's rich and in freaking New York), and during an awkward pause, the camera looks at every character's silent face, and for just one shot, Allen is dressed as an orthodox rabbi in full uniform. I actually spat out my drink at that scene, it was so funny. You know how Redditors use the cliche insult "you must be fun at parties"? Allen's character actually is fun at parties, though (just like Redditors) you wouldn't want to be around him every day.

--Downfall (2004)
Yes, we watched the Hitler meme movie for 4/20/2020. This movie offers what is probably the only nuanced depiction of Hitler you'll ever see in any post-WW2 media. Bruno Ganz's version is a fiery orator and a quiet philosopher, a selfless defender of his country and a capricious dickwad. Novel, but not exactly a hagiography, but you know who runs Hollywood. Maybe they were trying to show him as amphetamine-addled in his later years as opposed to the usual Looney Tunes caricature. Nevertheless, the movie makes you feel more sorry for Hitler, his... snort... DOWNFALL and his death, than the creators are probably allowed in Germany. The meme scene is a definite highlight, though Ganz maintains a superbly believable performance throughout.

--Up in Smoke (1978)*
The first and most quintessential "dude weed lmao" movie in existence. No plot, no coherence, just cheap stoner comedy, toilet humor, and shitty music. There's not much a reviewer can say about a movie so deliberately shallow and stupid; you either find it funny or you have taste.

--Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)*
Dude weed lmao for a new generation. The script is less meandering and the cinematography cleaner than the previous movie, but the juveline sense of humor is an identical successor. I didn't see the whole thing, since I had to go to work, but I have little desire to return to it.

--Highlander (1986)
An immortal Scotsman kills other immortals in swordfights. Trouble ensues. It's stupid, but this movie is a lot of fun. Tons of action with great choreography, a cool setting seemingly designed for a vidya/RPG, a villain (a grinning beanpole slav who talks like a shitty death metal singer) so cartoonishly spiteful and wicked that he should have switched places with the guy in Downfall, and Sean Connery as the Doomed Mentor Figure. But there are good reasons to not like this movie. All the acting sucks (Connery isn't on screen enough to be his usual delightsome self), the protagonist is more boring than a lecture on white privilege, the ancient Scotland segments are a waste of time, and the ending is mystical gibberish straight out of anime. Your appreciation of Highlander is predicated on how much you like cheesy 80s action flicks, and I like them plenty.

--The Ewok Adventure (1984)
I saw this as a kid and remember it being boring crap. I was right. If Lucas wanted to sell more Ewok toys, he could have written a kids' movie with a point, or with events in it. Still better than the Holiday Special.

--Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985)
This is more like it. Right off the bat we have alien invasion, child murder, kidnapping, femme fatales, and before long Wilford Brimley shows up and dominates the rest of the movie. It's still a pointless movie with an annoying child lead, but it has the amounts of action you expect from a Star Wars movie. Brimley grumbles in G-rated cuss words while he infiltrates a castle and shit starts blowing up. It's dumb and corny, but I can appreciative it even as an adult. This feels more like Star Wars than anything else the franchise has done since 1985.

--Dragon Ball: Sleeping Princess in Devil's Castle (1987)
--Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone (1989)
--Dragon Ball Z: The History of Trunks (1993)
I lumped these three together because most shounen is the same; these three just happen to have the best animation and least retarded writing of the 20+ movies in this series. The third one in particular is interesting because it defies the usual Goku-defeats-the-aliens fomula; it's a tragedy where the heroes have lost in a major way and the few survivors struggle for the last thread of hope. Granted, it's still full of dudes punching other dudes--this ain't Hamlet--but it has a level of emotional panic that lends an authenticity lacking in most of the series.

--The Matrix (1999)
You probably know everything about this movie from 20+ years of memes, even if you've never seen it. If you haven't, or haven't seen it in a long time, look past the babbys-first-allegory-of-the-cave and consider what competent sci-fi it is. It uses surprisingly few words to explain the setting in a way that brainlet normies can understand, and a normally-mediocre-and-confused actor like Reeves is the perfect audience surrogate to explore both the fake computer world and the shitty real one. And on top of that, the action scenes still hold up because they are almost all practical effects; they only used CG during moments when a character is doing a physics-defying move in the Matrix where it's supposed to look unrealistic. Right up to the end, all the action scenes are captivating. If the movie has any weaknesses, it's the numerous plot holes in how the world works (Humans as efficient batteries? Gimme a break!) or the shallowness of its half-baked philosophy, but you can easy ignore that crap and drown yourself in the memorable setpieces, the wonder of downloading information into a human brain, Weaving's not-quite-human speech patterns, and of course the superb fights. This movie is still watched today for a good reason.

--Full Metal Jacket (1987)
The eternal romance about the love between a brainwashed marine and his gun. The boot camp scenes are astonishingly good, and I don't need to rehash them here. I wish the second half was as amazing, my sides are actually hurting, I can't believe they said that shit, as the first half. But it has some fine moments, like the legendary "me so horny" scene (sampled by at least two rappers I know of) and Adam Baldwin's character cheerfully committing war crimes. I like to rewatch Full Metal Jacket every few years; it has endured.

--South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)
Trashy, filthy comedy/musical about farts, dicks, cussing, and hating Canada. Smoothing over the toilet humor is a genuinely fantastic soundtrack. Trey Parker repeatedly proves himself to be a musical genius with catchy song after catchy song; since he is also the main writer and voices most of the characters, why does he have Stone around anyway, for the jewish Hollywood connections? If they had balls, they'd explore and mock that idea rather than making tired, tired jabs at Blonald Blormf, but that might mean they no longer get invoted to parties to share their plans for future fart jokes.

--E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Spielberg is the master of schmaltz, of emotional manipulation for a profit. He's so skilled at it that this movie about annoying kids who make friends with a wrinkly nutsack grossed $663,400,925 in 1982 dollars. What have you done with YOUR life, penis breath?

--Shaolin Soccer (2001)
I missed this one.

--Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)
The story of a highly talented and wealthy butt pirate, and how he never realized that a life of hedonism leaves you empty. And in Freddie Mercury's case, dead. This movie is an adoring hagiography, but Queen deserves it. Every scene is either about the band's labors towards experimental opera- rock or one of Mercury's standard fuckparties, and the homo director is in love with both. Rami Malek looks like a gross bug-eyed goblin, which has the unintentional effect of enhancing how nasty it is to hear about his character's sexual conquests. But despite all the faggotry, the band and the movie never forget the importance of the music, and this movie lushly reimagines Queen's music with care and respect (The kind of respect Mercury failed to show his ancestors when he changed his name and downplayed his Persian ancestry). If you don't like Queen, you'll probably find this movie tedious. But, as a celebration of their music and egos, it excels.

--Ghost (1990)
The poster and trailers imply that this is a romance about a chick and her ghost boyfriend. That's a small part of it, but most of the plot is about ~*dreamy*~ Patrick Swayze (RIP irl) as a murdered accountant coping with his recent death with the help of fake psychic Whoopi Goldberg. His still-living girlfriend is incidental; most of the movie is Swayze trying to solve his murder, meeting other ghosts, and practicing kewl ghost powers. There are lots of cheesy jokes and decent action scenes, so do not fear that this is a faggy old romance; it's actually classic 80s cheese. 

--Equilibrium (2002)
Obvious ripoff of The Matrix featuring Christian Bale as an invincible future cop in a setting copied from Orwell's 1984. The Matrix influences on the action scenes, the set design, the cinematography, the "what if the world you know isn't the real world, maaaaaaan" pseudo-intellectualism, et cetera, all permeate the movie in extremely blatant ways. There's even a copy of the dojo scene from The Matrix. Still, the action sequences are decent even if there's little else of value. Multiple people in chat had some nostalgia for Equilibrium, but you should skip it.

--Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
By 1990, TMNT was a colossal international hit, so of course came the first of many movies. Surprisingly faithful to the early issues of the Eastman and Laird comic, but the reason you should watch this deliberately hokey kung-fu flick is because it's full of shockingly good acrobatics from the guys in the suits. Disregard the crappy plot, crappy dialogue, crappy acting--the stunts in this movie are superb. Imagine running around, doing backflips, and believably fighting other dudes while wearing a big foam mascot outfit you can barely see out of and is currently giving you heat stroke. And no CG to aid you, either. The fact that this movie pulled that off over its whole duration is as big a miracle as a dumb Daredevil parody starring talking turtles becoming a billion-dollar franchise. Plus, the scenes where the Foot Clan kids brag about how AWESOMELY BADICAL they are by smoking and playing at arcades are funnier than any of the four turtles' stupid quips.

--Batman & Robin (1997)
Deliberately retarded, campy, and superficial Batman movie made by a flaming homo who wanted to replicate the 1960s show. Tried to distance itself from the grimdark Tim Burton Batman by reveling in its cliches and hokiness. With Clooney on his bat-ice-skates, Thurman struggling to be a femme fatale, and Schwarzenegger making the least creative puns imaginable, this is one dumbassed movie for stupid people and children (who are also stupid). I don't regret watching Batman & Robin, but I do regret Hollywood's continued success.

--Apollo 13 (1995)
Yet another pro-American propaganda movie. Sappy, sentimental, and predictable, but also inspiring and reassuring in its own way. As everything about America decays and turns to shit, this movie makes one nostalgic for the slightly less shitty 1990s and even the horrendous 1960s. I don't think they're allowed to make movies like this anymore.

--The Wrestler (2008)
Mickey Rourke plays a fucked up, past his prime pro wrestler with ego problems, family issues, and substance addictions. It's a tragedy where--while he's hard at work year after year at his job--he just keeps fucking up, keeps wasting opportunities, keeps neglecting his loved ones, and always falls back to booze and whores even though he's so bad with money he can't even pay rent on his trailer. Pro wrestling is accurately portrayed as staged, but exhausting, dangerous, and full of drug abuse. I'll kinda spoil the ending: Rourke's character has one chance at redeeming his dumbass self, but the results are deliberately ambiguous. The movie is supposedly based on the real-life fake wrestler Jake the Snake and his legendary downward spiral.

--Gran Torino (2008)
The most badass old dude in the world is trying to peacefully retire in his small town, but Asian/black/Hispanic gang members keep ruining things for everyone with their criminal horseshit, and he's not gonna take it. An unforgettable lead role from Eastwood, who every second of this film appears to be fed up with everyone's bullshit in a genuine way. All the other actors are not professionals, but locals hired for more humble and believable performances. And I bet Eastwood wanted to kick every one of their asses, and he probably could have. And the ending (which I won't spoil here) is very fitting to the chaddest character we've ever seen at Shitposter.club Movie Night. It wasn't my intention to play two movies in a row about tough old guys trying to cope with modernity, but someone requested this. If I have any complaints, it would be that this movie is arguably the first to start the "old white male must sacrifice himself for younger poc" that we see in Logan and other movies about cool old dudes. Also, no headpats? Hmong confirmed for shit-tier Asians.

--Hard Boiled (1992)
Stylish Hong Kong action flick about a hardass undercover cop trying to stop the flow of illegal guns into his country. Chow Yun-Fat is the right mixture of gristled and comedic; this movie has lots of action and lots of comedy, and it does them both better than, say, Rush Hour (to pick a similar movie). There's some definite Die Hard/Lethal Weapon influence here, too, and it's a worthy successor. One concern is that this movie's ultraviolence honestly sickened me; around 3/4 of the body count is innocent civilians getting ruthlessly murdered in a hospital, all in gruesome detail. Figures that a Chinaman wouldn't blink at portraying mass murder of his own people.

--Wizardry (1991)
Listen to me and @moon's review here: https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-01---Area-D-Inou-Ryouiki--Wizardry-OAV-ehsu8a

--The Devil's Double (2011)
A fictionalized account of Saddam Hussein's lunatic son and his many repulsive deeds. This shitbag is cartoonishly evil. He steals, he rapes, he kills, he does every drug imaginable, he fires guns haphazardly at parties. This movie is horror porn about said shitbag, some based on real-life rumors, some certifiable. The scene where he cuts open a dude's intestines with an electric kitchen knife is one of the definitely-real events, because it had witnesses. But outside of the spectacle of this hedonistic monster, the movie offers little else. The struggle of Prince Shitbag's body double to live with the horrors he enables is not terribly interesting, and it follows a predictable path. Watch The Last King of Scotland for a similar, better film.

--Crocodile Dundee (1986)
A self-reliant Aussie who lives in the wilderness goes to New York City and wackiness ensues. This movie has little plot; it feels like a series of comedy skits about the same mountain man character one after the other rather than a coherent script. But they are decently funny skits. Mate. Bogan. Marmite. AC/DC. The love interest sucks though.

--From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
(SPOILERS because this movie is better if you know nothing about it on your first watch. ) Starts as a standard Tarantino crime flick with lots of tension, gratuitous violence, and gross-out dark humor, but halfway through turns into a MEGA-violent vampire flick with all the fun elements of that genre. Honestly one of George Clooney's best acting performances; despite the buckets of blood flying around, he makes you feel like he cares about his brother (Tarantino playing himself ((a fucked up, homicidal sex pest)). Also contains the guy who played Boss Nigger (just so you know you're in a gory exploitation flick) and Cheech and Chong (so you know you're in Mexico).

--The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974)
Heist film featuring fake Englishmen with an elaborate plan to hold a subway train full of civilians hostage to extort the city for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Has Walter Matthau as a disgruntled detective/negotiator who probably inspired John McClane, and the movie as a whole feels like a proto-Die Hard. It got me invested the entire time, wondering how everyone's plans would work out. Has an Angry Police Chief, one of the first, and also an angry mayor, angry dispatcher, everyone in this movie is angry and it rocks. 

--A Few Good Men (1992)
Tom Cruise plays a rookie lawyer who specializes in US military law, who is assigned to defend two schmucks whose hazing rituals accidentally killed one of their fellow marines. Every character overacts because it was originally a stage play, but the overacting works well to clearly show the characters' emotions and states of mind. Cruise is at his best in a hammy environment like this. Jack Nicholson's speech at the end is legendary (and correct, though it does not excuse the fatal hazing) both as good rhetoric and an example of Hollywood writers putting undeniable facts in the mouths of villains.

--Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
Cheerful, high-energy comedy about two lovable doofuses who use a time machine to create one hell of a report for history class. Reeves and Winter are exuberant slackers who never let anything get them down, and their optimism is so strangely infectious that you won't care how dumb the plot is because you're having just as much fun as Bill & Ted themselves. The guy playing Napoleon is another high point; his childish antics at the mall and water park are even better than Genghis Khan armored in football gear. Though I think the real Napoleon spoke English. 

--Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
This is a good sequel. Fewer historical figures, more goofy fantasy shit. Not quite as good as the first one, but still a lot of fun. All the new characters (the evil robots, Death, Station) could have easily been tedious but in the final product all have amusing scenes that justify their existences. The villain De Nomolos (the writer's name spelled backwards) is practically an afterthought, but gets his moment at the end of the movie, too. And they call Satan a fag right to his fag face. Kickin' rad!

--Bill & Ted Face The Music (2020)
This is a bad sequel. Winter looks mostly the same as he did 30 years ago, but Reeves is clearly a different person, one unsuited for youthful comedic roles. Gone is the relentless cheerfulness of the first two movies; this is the current year, and that means misery. The present sucks, the future sucks, and the past wasn't that great, either. Only the power of womyn and poc can save them. Most of the new characters are obnoxious, especially the assassin robot guy, and the daughter characters are merely tolerable. Everything and everyone is old, tired, lifeless; a hollow retread of what came before. The dumb experimental song at the beginning of the movie is funnier than anything else this trash offers, plus it's a better song than the forgettable universe-uniting song at the end. On the plus side, Death is back and manages to be one of the few entertaining bits, but you can and should skip this miserable soulless rehash.

--Easy Rider (1969)
Two hairy bikers go on a drug-fueled trip from Los Angeles to New Orleans in a fucked up 1960s hellscape. There is little plot; this is a road trip movie consisting of a series of strange events only connected by the presence of the two stoners on theor drug run. Every scene is deliberately awkward, even uncomfortable to watch, and it gets weirder and more violent over time. The LSD orgy at the end is particularly memorable in its stark ugliness. The original raw footage of Easy Rider was 4-5 hours long, which would be potentially historically interesting and probably intolerable to watch. Watch Black Pilled's video "Life on Easy Mode" instead, or in addition to, this noteworthy but not-good milestone of a movie.

--John Carter (2012)
A Civil War-era captain finds himself transported to Mars and quickly has harsh encounters with the locals. This movie had the extreme misfortune of coming out after Avatar; even though it's based on novels from the 1910s, by 2012 this join-the-alien-noble-savages plot was considered beyond derivative. I suppose if it came out in 2020, all references to the US Civil War would be deleted, or possibly replaced with a hyper-black John Carter teleporting to Mars shortly after butchering a few hundred white people. But, as it stands, you have an ok action movie. It's certainly less stupid than Avatar.

--The Toxic Avenger (1984)*
Cheap, lurid, trashy, and proud of it, this is the story of a retard who falls into nuclear waste and becomes a super-strong mutant bent on revenge against the people who mocked his tutu. Full of entertaining murders, characters being complete assholes, and lots of gratuitous nudity. This is cinematic junk food: Tasty for a short time, but don't eat too much of it or it'll make you sick.

--Twisted Pair (2018)*
Confusing The Room-tier outsider art from a delusional weirdo. Any attempt to describe Neil Breen movies is doomed to failure, but try to imagine a hazy dream half-remembered through the fog of a hangover, head trauma, and really shitty special effects. Watching this movie is like having a seizure while playing Shadowrun. It's a headache.

--The Mummy (1999)
Pretty good pulp action flick about KANGZ and JUST that takes heavy inspiration from 1930s-50s serials. Brendan Fraser plays an ok reluctant hero, though IMO the slimy traitor character (you'll know him when you see him) steals the show. Watch this if you're hungry for more Indiana Jones but want ancient Egyptian curses instead of aliens.

--The Mummy Returns (2001)
I fell asleep while watching this, and I don't remember anything about it from the pre-9/11 era in which I saw it last. Sorry!

--The Ring (2002)
This horror movie was a big hit when I first saw it in theaters, and I liked it then as a young adult, but 18 years of memes have sucked all the horror out of it. It's impossible to look at the spooooooooky video or the girl coming out of the TV screen and not guffaw at the idea that we ever took this goofy shit seriously. I couldn't even concentrate on the script or direction or acting because everyone in chat (including me) was cackling like kookaburras at it. It's still a decent movie with a decent premise, but the internet age has ruined it.

--Perfect Blue (1997)
AKA the only good horror anime. Listen to me and @coolboymew's review here: https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-06---Perfect-Blue--Plus-Some-Miscellaneous-Stuff--wCool-Boy-Mew-el78ei

--Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (2006)
The illiterate philistines of the fediverse never want to watch documentaries. Pah. Pah, I say.

--Hausu (1977)
A group of Japanese high school girls go to a haunted house. When it starts off, there is no indication that you're watching a horror movie; it seems like ordinary, awkward Japanese fluff. But then the spoopiness happens, and the amateurish physical effects and iditoic plot get their hooks in you. This movie is a clunky mess and its separate parts dont work together at all, and the soundtrack manages to be inappropriate 100% of the time, but there are glimpses of greatness beneath the sloppy, low-budget veneer. This is a shitty horror movie with heart, and I recommend it. Dear Leader had played this movie several years ago, but I hadn't seen it until now, and I'm a better person for having done so.

--Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994)
Unlike most adaptations of the 1818 novel, this one at least makes a reasonable effort towards accurately portraying the source material. That is commendable (death to Hollywood), but what makes this movie fail is that people in the 1990s didn't have this visceral horror for the monster. The very concept of such a creature would have been abonimable, even blasphemous to devout Christian readers at the time of publishing. Conversely, the average moviegoer in 1994 was probably already sick of the mad scientist trope and wondered why Victor didn't just shoot the thing. 

--127 Hours (2010)
A fictionalized telling of the real-life Aron Ralston, who had his arm trapped under a boulder for several days because he went hiking in the deep wilderness without telling anyone where he was. I like to play at least one unconventional horror movie each October, and 127 Hours is appropriate with its heavy sense of dread. A particular scene late in the movie (you know the one if you've seen the movie or Googled Aron Ralston) was more painful to watch than any fake violence I've ever seen in another movie. The movie is a success in ny opinion because it makes you want to be there with a jackhammer to free the poor bastard.

--The Book of Life (2014)
Kids' CG movie with a heavy Day of the Dead theme. Ugly character designs, but lots of action (Mexico is a nation comprised entirely of bullfighters, after all) and lots of anachronistic pop music. There is little poz; just a small bit of GRRL POWER tomfoolery, though nowhere near enough to wreck the movie. I'd let my kids watch it if I were cucked enough to have children. *hits pipe*

--The VVitch (2015)
A hard-working New England pioneer family gets torn apart by subtle forces... are they within or without? Natural or not? Without going into spoilers, finding out the details is quite alarming. The scenery is appropriately gloomy, and every member of the family has an important role in the tragedy. The family patriarch is an incorruptible force of justice with a rad voice, and the best character in this movie. Yes, Dad simps for the dad, fuck you. This is a good horror movie from the midst of Clown World; a true rarity.

--Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
A young idealistic new US Senator gets fucked over--hard--by the establishment as they punish his good deeds by framing him for various crimes. The movie's tension building efforts are good-not-great; it lags in the middle and could have cut 20 minutes from its runtime, but the speech at the end as all the political crooks try to SHUT IT DOWN makes it more than worth it. I played this after the US presidential election in November 2020 as a reminder that political corruption is eternal.

--Cliffhanger (1993)
Cheesy Stallone action flick about mountaineering, explosions, and coming out of retirement for one last job. It's dumb as a... *snort*... pile of rocks, and thinks you have the attention span of a gnat, but it never gets boring. The villain desperately wants to be Hans Gruber from Die Hard but sucks ass in comparison; Cliffhanger is severely lacking in the "clever quips" department, though the action scenes are decent. Standard Stallone fare: derivative, shallow, and forgettable, but  not a bad watch.

--Battlefield Earth (2000)
Badly-shot, badly-written, badly-acted and utterly confusing mess starring John Travolta on stilts. Before acknowledging the abominable script or stupid costumes, you'll notice that at least 90% of the movie is shot at a nauseating angle. Someone probably told the director that "Dutch angles" were dynamic or some shit, and he ran with it. The story is a retarded version of Planet of the Apes, and I wonder how much of the script is the fault of L. Ron Hubbard and how much you can blame on the screenwriter. I'm probably never reading the book to find out. One of those rare movies to achieve the coveted "so bad it's good" status, and you should cherish such badness.

--The Mask (1994)
Jim Carrey as a cuckolded dope who finds a magic mask that turns him into a bombastic dynamo. Based on a comic I haven't read, but @moon says is good. Full of movie cliches and ugly mid-90s CG, The Mask is not a tenth as fun as it should be. Even as a kid it was one of my least favorite Carrey movies, and I was quite a fan until I learned about his personal life. Oddly enough, Jim Carrey as a CG cartoon character is not even Carrey at his wackiest; the one thing carrying this movie is done better in Ace Ventura or Liar Liar. Skip it. 

--The Jerk (1979)
Steve Martin plays a lovable fuckup who goes through a series of strange encounters. Like a funnier version of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Since Martin plays a believable Full Retard and the wacky events are not disconnected but insteadbbuild up to a climax in the story, this movie feels like a parody of Hollywood plots in general as well as a pretty good surrealist comedy on its own. I once knew an old guy who named his dog Shithead because of The Jerk.

--Robot Jox (1989)
A western attempt at copying the Japanese giant robot genre, like a proto-Pacific Rim. This movie has the budget of an AVGN episode. The robots (the most important part of a giant robot movie) frankly look like shit. They're rarely fully on camera, their movements are more awkward than me playing dodgeball in grade school, and their designs are ugly in the first place. The script is full of ridiculous cliches, no one can act, and the bar scenes look murkier than a magic 8-ball in a rock tumbler. But this movie is still entertaining; it's at just the right level of MST3K fodder where it's interestingly bad but still watchable. And the very last scene took me by surprise; I didn't know that meme came from this dumbass movie. Give it a watch, it's short and fun.

--Hook (1991)
Spielberg attempts to recreate the childlike sense of wonder that he's famous for by casting Robin Williams as Peter Pan and having him rediscover magic. I saw this movie when I was a kid and I thought it was confusing and boring. As an adult, I understand what Spielberg was going for, but this movie is a mess. Overly long, full of awkward and unnecessary scenes, and nowhere near enough payoff. Hook doesn't even have enough Williams being wacky; his co-star Dustin Hoffman does that job instead, marking one of the few memorable pieces of this cluster of fucks. Not terrible, but bloated and unnecessary.

--Uncut Gems (2019)
Adam Sandler plays an insulting Jewish stereotype: a greedy jewelry merchant. He does so dead-seriously throughout this cautionary tale about not being a lying, thieving prick. His character has a good life: a successful jewelry store, a family that loves him, friendship with famous basketball players, but he so obsessively tries out these shady deals, gambles, and outright scams that end up causing him severe problems. Then he lies and steals some more to try to cover it up, which makes things even worse. I was skeptical about serious Sandler, but this is easily the best movie he's ever been in. Watch it.

--Christmas Evil [AKA You Better Watch Out] (1980)
Part slasher flick, part proto-Falling Down about a toy factory worker who goes insane and murders people while handing out Christmas gifts. Not as amusing as it sounds; much of the movie is annoyingly slow, and the murders are nowhere near as frequent or as visceral as they should be. On top of that, the murky appearance of every scene does not enhance the terror but makes everything feel even more sluggish, and the grand climax is just dumb and underwhelming. Watch Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 instead.

--Blind Fury (1989)
Ridiculous 80s action schlock about Rutger Hauer losing his sight in the Vietnam War and becoming a martial arts expert who fights Mafia guys. The script and acting are terrible, of course, but it has surprisingly good action, which is (also of course) why you're watching a movie about a blind American ninja. If you're a fan of retarded 80s movies, you need Blind Fury in your life.

--The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
Dark, ugly Western starring Clint Eastwood as a quiet Confederate soldier and "Chief Dan George" as the best injun sidekick I've ever seen. Moody and violent, yet somehow subtle. Roger Ebert has a pretty good review: https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-outlaw-josey-wales-1976

--Big Money Hustlas (2000)
Unabashedly low-brow, dirt-cheap comedy from Insane Clown Posse. The plot is a parody/pastiche of crime movies, every acting performance is deliberately crappy, and the naked women are highly unattractive. Watch this while drunk, if at all.

--8 Mile (2002)
Eminem's fictionalized pseudo-biography about his young adulthood in the mid-1990s. Unlike Vanilla Ice's vanity project that portrays him as a smooth-talking invincible badass, Eminem shows you an Eminem who is nervous, impulsive, angry, and gets his ass kicked several times because of it. Yet he never indulges in his shitty circumstances or whines about them; they are simply the truth, and (as IRL proves) he has the talent and the willpower to overcome them. A remarkably good effort for a first-time director. 

--Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984)
Bleak anime about a ruined civilization that scavenges material to survive from giant insects in a poisonous forest, and the techno-oppressors who violently oppose them. @coolboymew and I briefly talked about this on our podcast, but I could have gone for another hour, so let me indulge myself here. This anime inspired elements of Final Fantasy, Attack on Titan, Crystalis on the NES, Metal Slug (the tanks), Dragon Quest music, and hell, the "fox-squirrel" looks like Pikachu and the exploring of ancient ruins and storytelling through vague, ethereal elements reminded me of Dark Souls. Even future Miyazaki movies (including Goro Miyazaki) take heavy inspiration from the visuals and the obvious love of nature. But Nausicaa offers a lot besides its interesting influences; the pace is deliberate, but every scene has these lovely little details. It's imaginative, mysterious, and beautiful. It's distinctly eastern. One of the reasons why I got into anime in the first place.

Porco Rosso (1992)
Like Nausicaa, this movie also has dogfights in cool planes. But the mood is totally different from Nausicaa; there's barely any danger except the risks the characters take. There's no serious bad guys. Just an all-around fun vibe. It's beautiful, cheerful, and carefree. just what I need in the current year. Half of anime intros have shots of a big blue sky, but nobody does sky scenes like Miyazaki, and this lovable movie is packed with them. But there's the line "I'd rather be a pig than a fascist." Yes, I know that in 2021 everyone screaming about the need to stamp out fascism always says fascist to mean "uppity white person". As an uppity white person, I don't mind that Porco just doesn't like Mussolini.

--The Big Short (2015) 
Biopic about some financial spergs who saw the 2008 US housing market crash (which IRL was so gigantic that the whole world ((minus some billionaire psychopaths)) suffered from it) coming and were able to profit from it. The focus of the movie is not on the evil bankers responsible but on a small group of nerds who were able to predict the massive scam and... not stop it, but make "fuck you" money from it. Of course, none of the IRL people are as attractive as their Hollywood counterparts, but that's true of every movie vaguely based on real events. The Big Short will make you hate bankers even more than you do now, and that's a good thing.

--Coming to America (1988)
Eddie Murphy plays a wealthy African prince who moves to a slum in New York City and gets a job at a fast-food shithole to learn a new way of life. Murphy's seemingly genuine curiosity and cheerfulness in contrast with the miserable life of the New York poor people surrounding him produces most of the comedy here, and this is one of his best. Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones also have fun roles as the prince's attendant and father, respectively. The movie starts with a lawyer-friendly ripoff of The Lion Sleeps Tonight, just so you know you're really in a real African nation.

--White Chicks (2004)
This trash movie has two redeeming qualities: Terry Crews and the Angry Police Chief. It's a pile of crap otherwise.

--Da Sweet Blood of Jesus (2014)
Weird-ass art movie from Spike Lee about wealthy black vampires in England. Though full of extremely awkward dialogue, inappropriate music, unnecessary sex scenes, and an annoying artfag aesthetic, this movie is still captivating in its badness, like The Room or a Neil Breen shitpile. @SpudsRudeEye recommended this one, and I'm glad he did, because the chat got a lot of laughs out of it. Undoubtedly the best Spike Lee movie.

--Black Like Me (1964)
A white reporter artificially darkens his skin and tries to get a job in the most anti-black parts of the American South. Based on the non-fiction book by John Howard Griffin, who really did put himself through a similar ordeal. The movie's message is not only "black people are treated like shit in this place" (true) but also "if black people fail at something, it's white peoples' fault" (not true). And the frequent references to superior black penises, in case you didn't realize that the movie's creators are almost all Jewish. Despite how sympathetic it makes you feel, Black Like Me is an early anti-white movie with false narratives designed to make you resent white people. Watch it for the historical value, and compare it to how violently, vehemently anti-white most movies are in the current year. 

--Coonskin (1974)
This might be the single weirdest movie I've ever seen. Jewish animator Ralph Bakshi creates a unique mixture of spastic animation and very poorly lit live-action scenes to generate an insane love letter to the black American community. Every character is an insulting racial caricature juxtaposed with a genuine humanity, every scene is absolute chaos, and it somehow stumbles into something incredible. It's bizarre, it's subversive, it's confusing, it's utterly insane, and whether you like this weird shit or you hate it, Coonskin is something you won't be able to forget for the rest of your life. Watch it before you die, just don't tell any normies or you'll get "canceled".

--Temple Grandin (2010)
Biopic about the autistic lady who made huge improvements to cattle chutes at slaughterhouses in the 70s and 80s. It's better than it sounds. Claire Danes has a superb performance here. It would have been easy for her to just scream and wave her arms a lot, but she instead studied the IRL Temple Grandin and other autistic savants to internalize their ways of thinking, not just their mannerisms. As a fellow sperg, I recognize my child self in a lot of Danes's speech patterns and inability to understand basic social cues.

--The Holy Mountain (1973)
No, wait. THIS is the weirdest movie I've ever seen. Eccentric director Jodorowsky takes you on a fucked-up journey through various schools of bizarre mystical shit: Gnosticism, Alchemy, Hinduism, Buddhism, Astrology, Kabbalah, Rosicrucianism, Freemasonry, consumerism (yes, that's included in the mix)... even ancient Egyptian mythology with the herons and other animals, Crowleyism with the poop fixation at the beginning, and a bit of Greek mythology with the temple near the end. But even if you don't recognize any of that, you still have a deeply unsettling and bizarre movie where every scene is visually interesting. And, unlike most fancy artfag films, this one is so jam-packed with information, fascinating setpieces, and miscellaneous disturbing shit that he never allows the viewer to get bored, and that ending is one of the greatest trolls I've ever seen. A must-watch for fans of mindfucks, and of religious and semi-religious esoterica, even if the lesson of the movie is ultimately "lol fuck you, figure everything out yourself for real enlightenment."

--The Road Warrior (1981)
One of the all-time greatest action movies with engaging car battles and a kickass bleak setting. Not only great on its own, but inspired other rad media like Fist of the North Star and Fallout. Skip the first Mad Max movie and watch this. And if you've already seen it, re-watch it. Still phenomenal 40 years later.

--Barton Fink (1991)
A Coen Brothers movie with multiple meta narratives. The story is ostensibly about a screenwriter suffering from writer's block, but the movie also contains a significant amount of subtext and symbolism. But, unlike most artfag movies, Barton Fink is enjoyable no matter how you approach it. If you only want the surface story of an ungrateful dick of a writer trying to get inspiration from poor people (feels Goodman), then you can enjoy yourself. If you want to sperg out over the deeper meaning in Barton and the hotel and the characters around him, or how this movie is about the movie-making process, you can also enjoy yourself. Basically a perfect movie on every level, unironically, and I never say that lightly.

--Rubber (2010)
Weird-ass post-post-post-post-post-modernist horror movie that is also a commentary about horror movies, a commentary on commentaries, a satire of violent movies, a violent movie itself, a self-parody, and somehow a serious movie, all at the same time. The plot about a car tire that gains sentience and starts killing people, but things quickly get weirder. Characters in the movie talk about how freaking weird and meta the movie is; not in the annoying nod-nod-wink-wink Joss Whedon style, but with genuine confusion. The movie doesn't understand itself, but you might. It's definitely a unique movie; this is the most hyper-meta thing I've ever seen, and we just watched Barton Fink the previous week.

--Hellraiser II: Hellbound (1988)
We re-watched the first Hellraiser and, for the first time on Movie Night, its sequel. This movie goes more into the lore of the Hellraiser universe while also ramping up the claustrophobic sets and grotesque costumes. It's not as good as the first one, but I still likeed it. I've heard that the next dozen Hellraiser sequels are crap, but that the comics are decent. I need to check them out.

--Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
A lot of movies from the 1960s and earlier that are called "classics" are often slow and boring, but this one had everyone in chat falling out of their chairs with laughter. The autistic screeching in the war room (where you can't fight), the hapless goons in the airplane who follow orders to start World War 3, the proto-Alex Jones conspiracy retard who rants about fluoride and precious bodily fluids, the doctor whose arm does Sieg Heils on its own, the incredible ending sequence with the bomb and the yee-haw shitkicker who rides it to his death... Dr. Strangelove is like a prototype for every sitcom from the past 60 years, every Coen Brothers movie, every stoner comedy, every satire about politics and war, but it feels like it hasn't aged a day. Brilliant. Watch it.

--Ghost in the Machine (1993)
Ridiculous, stupid, impossible movie about a bad guy who dies and is reborn inside a computer. These being Hollywood computers, they can of course do anything, including haxxoring into any other computer, firing lighting from any electrical outlet, controlling pipes and circuits with telekinesis, etc. Even my 100-year-old grandma would know that this movie is complete computer nonsense. Don't pay attention to the plot, just laugh at the absurdity that unfolds before you with 100% sincerity.

--Minority Report (2002)
Tom Cruise plays a future cop for a government organization that can use psychic people in comas to predict upcoming murders and prevent them before they occur. Filled with fantastic scenery, fascinating technology that still feels futuristic, and some really really good camera shots (especially in the scene where Cruise's character loses his eyes and has to hide from government spy drones inside a crackhouse). There is some superb acting from Max von Sydow and some pretty good acting from Cruise, and the brilliant-as-usual Steven Spielberg manages to craft a tightly-woven and expertly-crafted story. Superb.

--Bloodsport (1988)
Van Damme kicking ass in an underground fighting tournament; what else do you need? This is peak 80's action cheese, complete with wacky characters, secret moves, and a lot of schmaltz. When fights are on screen, you know they're not real, but dammit, you get hooked, no matter how many times you've seen it. Probably inspired a great deal of video games with similar subject matter. I'm down to rewatch this any time, any place. In fact, it was so good that chat wanted to rewatch it immediately. Bloodsport fukken rules!

--City of God (2002)
Dirty, disgusting, violent, nihilistic story about Brazilian slum residents and the many crimes they inflict on each other. The villain protagonist is truly a repulsive character, and he rules a tiny piece of this miserable shithole with sadistic glee. Every location feels like a grimy rotten dump filled with decay and death, and that's before the murders begin. I felt like taking a shower after watching this, and I feel like there's no hope for Brazil. A downer of a movie, and not for everyone, but quite good at what it does.

--Phantom of the Paradise (1974)
A pianist/songwriter (a Billy Joel/Elton John/Warren Zevon type) gets plagizarized in a big way and gets manipulated into selling his soul (to the billionaire mogul who ripped him off in the first place) for a shot at wealth and stardom. A dark satire of the American music industry, complete with jabs at Kiss, the Beach Boys, Joni Mitchell, Jobriath, Andy Warhol, and more. This movie is 1970s as fuk; the LSD and cynicism drips off of every scene, every performance, and the music is pretty bitchin'. The sudden and shitty ending is the only black mark on this otherwise clever and entertaining film. Phantom of the Paradise is one of the movies that inspired Kentaro Miura of Berserk fame, what with the hawk mask and the deal with the devil theme. Underrated movie.

--The Blood of Heroes (1989)
Post-apocalyptic Mad Max ripoff about desperate wastelanders who fight in gladiator combat for food and glory. The pace is way too slow, every scene is badly-lit, and only the fight at the end feels like a real struggle. This movie's visuals look like a deep-sea The lighting is so bad that it's hard to tell what's going on, whether there's action on the screen or not. A couple of flood lights would have upgraded this from bad-and-boring to bad-but-with-charm. Another movie that partly inspired Berserk; some of the piecemeal armor the gladiators wear is visually similar to the armor you see in Berserk's Golden Age arc, Rutger Hauer kind of resembles Guts, and the one girl somewhat looks like Casca. Even forgettable junk like this can inspire much better media.

--Gladiator (2000)
Colossal, sweeping epic about... uh, gladiators. This is the Hollywood version of ancient Rome, with enormous arenas, enormous armies, enormous political maneuvering and backstabbing, and one hell of an underdog story. Gargantuan in scope, fanastical in nature, and awe-inspiring in mood, Gladiator is the kind of (literal) epic that they just don't make anymore. Like a love letter to ancient Rome, Shakespeare, and movie-making in general. You've probably heard someone quote the "are you not entertained?" monologue at one point. Really damn good, just don't sperg out over the historical inaccuracies. We know that Maximus wasn't a real person and that the actual emperor Commodus was strangled to death by a wrestler named Narcissus. Come to think of it, a story of the real Commodus getting murdered by the bronze ages version of Hulk Hogan would be pretty kick-ass.

--Gods and Monsters (1998)
Biopic where Ian McKellen plays James Whale, the director of the 1931 Frankenstein, and a flaming homosexual. The movie is supposed to make you sympathize with 1950s Whale, but the character is such a nasty butt pirate who lusts after every 18-30 year old man he encounters and tries to manipulate them into sex with him that he feels like the villain of the story. Kudos to pre-JUST Brendan Fraser, who suitably plays McKellen's naive, hetero gardener. This movie got all sorts of awards from Hollywood homos, of course, but none were deserved.

--Party Monster (2003)
Macaulay Culkin plays a degenerate drug addict/pimp/shitbag, supposedly based on a real shitbag. This movie was such shit that chat voted to skip it after less than five minutes. I had to scramble to find a full movie on Youtube because I wasn't prepared. "Hi", a user from the chat, gave me a list to pick from: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLm9l7EEbJuhzLTz8aVdDfYIn2TQ_X_-0S

--Shanghai Joe (1973)
An Eastern Western, how about that. Actually, the director is Italian, so this is an Eastern spaghetti Western. Cheap, goofy, and exploitative, but loaded with enjoyable chop-socky goodness, old-timey fictional racism, and Mexicans rescued from slavery by brave Chinamen. I'm not a big fan of Western movies, but this one was unconventional enough and packed with enough fights to keep me entertained.

--Branded (2012)
A satire on marketing. To say much more than that would be spoilers, but at one point things get a lot more interesting than merely saying "marketers are assholes". Marketers usually are assholes, but the real meat of this movie is the second half, in which the characters in the story undergo massive changes. Features Jeffrey Tambor, who always plays a great asshole character, and who promotes child tranny shit in other Hollywood productions, making him a real asshole.

--Exhibit A (2007)
A British dad is a huge fuckup who lies to his family about his debts and losing his job, and things quickly get worse. Deliberately shot in a low-budget camcorder style to make it feel like real family home videos, and it gets the feeling across, perhaps too well. You might see this obscure horror movie appear on lists of "LGBT movies", but don't be fooled, the daughter being a confused lesbian is just one of many ways in which this fictional family is disintegrating. Definitely watch until the ending; it'll cut you right to the bone.

--Rollercoaster (1977)
A terrorist plants bombs on various rollercoasters, killing several people, and demands money. The glow-in-the-darks team up with the owners of the park to try to catch up and prevent any more senseless murders. Too cheesy to be scary, but contains lots of good atmosphere of modern 1970s amusement parks; all the extras seem like they're enjoying themselves even as the main characters are sweating over how to prevent the upcoming terrorist attacks. @SpudsRudeEye recommended this movie, and it was alright.

--Grandma's Boy (2006)
Happy Madison Productions gives us a raunchy stoner comedy about a video game bugtester whose idiot boss steals his in-progress game. Him living with his grandma is less important to the plot, but both parts of his life are ripe material for various crude jokes. Better than the typical DUDE WEED LMAO fare, and I need some levity in Clown World.
 
--Alien (1979)
You haven't seen Alien yet? Go pirate this shit and watch it, right now. So many things about this production could have gone wrong: it could have been a lazy Star Wars clone, the monsters could've been ridiculous rather than frightening, Sigourney Weaver could've been a whiny feminist stereotype. But instead, we got a perfect buildup to a perfect payoff. Over 40 years later, the xenomorph is still the most disturbing creature in cinematic history, and this is still a flawless horror movie.

--Alien Autopsy (2006)
Actually-funny comedy that is vaguely based on the bumbling limey creators of the real-life 1995 "Alien Autopsy" video that purported to be real footage of a real ayy lmao being dissected. Feels kind of like The Big Lebowski in that it contains an absurd money-making scheme and numerous memorably wacky characters. The organized crime guy the size of a basketball player who is obsessed with finding aliens was a particular high point. One of the better comedies SPC has watched recently.

--Fire In the Sky (1993)
"An Arizona logger mysteriously disappears for five days in an alleged encounter with a flying saucer in 1975. His co-workers endure ridicule and contempt as they are wrongly accused of murder." (I don't often copy directly from IMDB, but this was a great synopsis.) The build-up is too slow, but the payoff--the sequence near the end, inside the UFO--is quite grotesque and disturbing, like a good alien abduction story ought to be. Interestingly, the abduction sequence in Fire In the Sky is very different from what the real-life Travis Walton described: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Travis_Walton_UFO_incident

--They Were 11 / 11-nin Iru! (1986)
Sci-fi anime movie about a space academy with a dangerous final exam that takes place on a ship with exploding hardware, poisonous plants, and a spy amongst their number. Listen to me, @coolboymew, and @gameboy4456@freespeechextremist.com talk about it here:
https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-35---Fall-2019--They-Were-11--and-the-Gabe-Gear----THE-END-OF-THE-MEWS-LIST-e14tssi

--Signs (2002)
Mel Gibson plays a widower who tries to come to term with both his wife's death and extraterrestrial invaders. It's better than it sounds. Tense is this movie's name, and both human and alien behavior are quite believable as the movie slowly cranks up the pressure until several terrifying and fulfilling pinnacles. Gibson is a convincing ex-priest who is trying to piece his fucked up life together and do what's right for his remaining family. Oh, and the much-talked-about plot hole is not a plot hole if you listen to the girl saying throughout the movie that the water is contaminated. Underrated horror movie with more depth than the internet says!

--Enemy Mine (1985)
Earth is at war with reptilian aliens. A human and an alien crash their respective space ships and land on a deserted planet. Though they are full of hatred for each other, the two have no choice but to join forces to survive in a harsh wilderness. I won't spoil what happens, but it's quite a ride. The budget is low, and there's a lot of cheesy science fiction dorkiness, but Enemy Mine resonates through your heart just as well as the best Spielberg works. Mickey Mouse did nothing wrong.

--Galaxy of Terror (1981)
Tenth-rate rip-off of Alien that is only noteworthy because of a scene where an astronaut chick gets raped to death by a giant space maggot. Everything from the space monsters to the Giger-esque ribcage hallways to the way characters get picked off one by one reveals that this movie desperately wants to be Alien, yet it's all so tedious and unnecessary. The only part of the movie with any potential was the psychic battle at the end, but even that felt like an even cheaper Doctor Who episode. Pass this.

--District 9 (2009)
Part mockumentary, part action movie about an imaginary pack of insectoid aliens who get stranded in South Africa with no way off of Earth. You'd think this would be thinly-veiled propaganda about how mean white people are towards blacks, but surprisingly it isn't a lazy metaphor; it's just a cool sci-fi story about aliens (who are kind of assholes most of the time) who want to go home, and the humans who either oppose them or help them. Entertaining throughout its whole runtime. Watch this one.

--Hardcore Henry (2015)
Action movie filmed entirely in first-person. Every single camera shot is from the point of view of a recently re-animated super soldier who kills lots and lots and lots of bad guys. Plot? Screw the plot, this is about the combat, and there are a lot of great fight scenes here. Definitely inspired by modern video games, both in its first-person view and the almost unrelenting (and extremely creative) violence. I enjoyed it.

--Runaway Jury (2003)
Shitlib wank fantasy about evil gun manufacturers being put in their place by a righteous multi-racial jury of concerned citizens. Preachy, annoying, stupid, and overlong. Skip it.

--The Egyptian (1954)
Sometimes the IMDB description is better than anything I would write: "In ancient Egypt, a poor orphan becomes a genial physician and is eventually appointed at the Pharaoh's court where he witnesses palace intrigues and learns dangerous royal secrets." Based on an old novel by some Finnish dude. It was ok. If you enjoy "palace full of political backstabbers" plotlines this is a decent early example.

--Unknown Soldier / Tuntematon sotilas (2017)
Grim, miserable World War 2 story where Finngolians reluctantly join with Nazi Germany to fight against Russia to reclaim Finland's stolen land. Every bit as bleak as it sounds; this is a dirty and ugly struggle in a frozen shithole where everyone in charge is a corrupt moron, blood frequently paints the snow red, and the sun never shines. Yet Finns are the most fun people on the Fediverse; I can't explain it. They're a nation of happy, fun-loving optimists despite their bitter history shown in movies like this. Odd.

--Ace Attorney / Gyakuten Saiban (2012)
Based on the series of Japanese adventure games about a pointy-haired defense lawyer who somehow bumbles his way into the extremely rare "not guilty" verdicts. This is one of the few anime-to-live-action adaptations that actually works, probably because it focuses on the comedy of wacky situations and absurd characters, rather than attempting to turn cartoon action into something reasonable IRL. Not as good as the games, but still enjoyable. The scene where Phoenix Wright cross-examines a fucking parrot on the stand is one of the highlights.

--Hardcore (1979)
"A conservative Midwest businessman ventures into the underworld of pornography in California to look for his runaway teenage daughter who is making porno films in California's porno pits." George C. Scott puts in a fantastic performance as a devoted religious father who has to brave a disgusting world of perverts and criminals to find his missing daughter. You've probably seen the reaction video of the scene where he breaks down crying in a theater, but the scene with the arrogant black dude bragging about his sexual prowess is my personal favorite. Still gross and shocking and memorable over 40 years later.

--Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
We watched the first Rambo movie (1982's "First Blood) a few years ago, but since audience at the time preferred action over psychological drama, all of the Rambo sequels are about the spectacle of fictional killing. Whereas the first movie was about a Vietnam War veteran struggling to find his way in a country that no longer had a use for him, this movie is an unrepentantly dumb slaughterhouse of retarded action scenes. Rambo created the formula that almost all Stallone movies (and many imitators) would follow afterwards, whether you like it or not. My opinion? It's ok.

--Rambo III (1988)
The formula continues with a low-brow flick about the invincible American dynamo mowing down hordes of durkha-durkhas. Mostly remembered for the lulzworthy afterword thanking the "brave Mujahideen fighters of Afghanistan" that was changed in later editions, thanks to Osama bin Laden showing America how explosions are really done. Stallone is incredibly ripped in this movie, and that's about the only visually interesting thing here. The 2008 Rambo movie is better; watch that one instead.

--Wag the Dog (1997)
Dustin Hoffman and Robert DeNiro play a pair of US political "advisers" (who actually control everything) who start a war to draw public attention away from the bumbling president's sex scandal. Aggravatingly accurate to real-life politics in the 1990s; the Luciferian bastards who made this movie were clearly laughing at the audience the whole time as they revealed how important decisions are really made. No joke, I was getting angrier as I watched it. But Wag the Dog is an important microscope into the horrible reality of politics, and you should watch it for that reason.

--God's Not Dead (2014)
Clunky, uneven Christian-themed movie about an asshole philosophy professor (Kevin Sorbo) who relentlessly badgers his students into rejecting God. Not the existence of God; the professor in question is simply a dick who admits God exists but hates him because bad things happen. It's preachy (well, duh) and unrealistic at times, but this is one of the rare non-retarded Christian movies that heathens can get some enjoyment out of. The timid cuckservative protagonist is unimportant; the arrogant prick professor's antics throughout the movie are the only reason to watch. Got a bunch of sequels I'll probably never watch. The ending sucks.

--Dredd (2012)
In a dystopia where over 9000 crimes a microsecond occur in the Mega-City, the future super-cops can only investigate the worst criminals. Hard-assed Judge Dredd and his psychic sidekick try to bring some semblance of order to a residential tower full of heavily-armed criminals dealing the drug slo-mo... by hunting down the gang's leader and killing her. Yes, her; this is one of the rare instances of Hollywood ditching the "grrrrrl power" bullshit in favor of believable female characters who commit realistic violence. Dredd is not great, but it's way, way, way, way, way better than the 1995 Stallone movie. I dig it.

--Toys (1992)
Turgid, confusing, but visually impressive movie about an ultra-wealthy toy company that begins manufacturing weapons for the US government, and only Robin Williams being wacky can stop them. This movie has no idea what it's trying to do; Williams tries to joke and improvise through the whole runtime, but it's just not entertaining. The script sucks, the plot is a mess, and all of the characters are crap. But the sets are brightly-colored, beautiful, and imaginative, so it has that going for it. The only bit I liked was where Williams holds up a picture of a black man and white woman and says "Look, it's Michael Jackson, before and after!"

--Liquid Sky (1982)
Heroin-induced hallucination about scrawny junkies doing gross shit to each other. The chat hated this movie and voted to skip it after about 15 minutes, necessitating the need for me to play an anime OVA later on that night.

--Slacker (1991)
Now this is more like it. Slacker is a series of scenes that are stream-of-consciousness rambling between small-town weirdos about their daily lives, strange political beliefs, and lack of employment. Unabashedly low-budget and "quirky", like a better version of Clerks (1994), but every character is charming and makes me think of better times in America, where you could walk up to a stranger, start talking with them, and not get shot. Reminds me of Heavy Metal Parking Lot (1986); I want to re-watch Slacker with @moon sometime.

--Baoh (1989)
Ultra-violent, ultra-stupid animu about an evil organization that experiments on people to give them kewl powerz, but one teenager goes AWOL and starts killing dudes. Written by the Jojo author, so you know it's full of blood, guts, and new magic abilities out of nowhere. Gory enough to entertain, and short enough to not overstay its welcome.

--Postal (2007)
Uwe Boll fucking sucks and this movie isn't as clever as he thinks it is.

--The Raid: Redemption (2012)
Intense, brutal action movie from Indonesia. Every stunt is grotesque and visceral; you can feel the breaking bones and leaking blood like they're personally happening to you. The action reminds me of The Protector (2005) and the setting (a grungy-ass residential tower) reminds me of Dredd (2012). I need to re-watch this one.

--Runaway Train (1985)
Two nasty-ass convicts escape from an Alaska prison and steal a train to get away that frozen shithole by any means necessary. Jon Voight plays one hell of a convincing dangerous criminal shitbag, and the dialogue between the two convicts and the hapless railroad employee they kidnap reveals a deeply Nietzschean theme with its "whoever has the most willpower, wins" message. I won't spoil the ending, but I found it profound and memorable. Very highly recommended movie. Based on a script that's based on a script written by Akira Kurosawa.

--I Saw the Devil (2010)
Korean horror movie about a glow-gook who tracks down a serial killer, and--instead of arresting or killing him--puts the killer through a series of tortures that resemble the ones he himself had inflicted on previous victims. The script requires the characters to be idiots, and it's too long besides. Tolerable, but not as good as Oldboy.

--Serial Experiments Lain (1998)
Interesting but meaningless post-modernist post-humanist quasi-Gnostic anime about people turning into computers and altering reality. Listen to me, @moon, and @coolboymew discuss it here: https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-45---Tezukas-MW--Serial-Experiments-Lain--2020-Winter-Season-We-didnt-have-time-to-cover-the-whole-year-e194do6

--Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984)
John Hurt plays a miserable government censor with a small bit of a conscience in a fucked-up oppressive nightmare world that's even worse than current-day England (if you can imagine such a thing). This adaptation of the famous dystopian novel plays to the film medium's strengths by minimizing the details about Newspeak (which work better in text) and playing up the dreariness of the world by visually showing the horrors the Party has inflicted. Not as striking and despair-inducing as the book, but presents a decent story on own merits.

--The Wicker Man (1973)
A good-hearted Christian limey cop investigates a missing child case in a small Scottish island where the residents are members of a strange religion, and things keep getting weirder. Christopher Lee plays a fantastically but subtly disturbing cult leader. Over 9000 times better than the tedious Nic Cage remake; the original is a high-quality horror movie. Watch it.

--Leprechaun (1993)
Deliberately retarded horror flick about a... Leprechaun... who kills people who stole his gold. Warwick Davis hams it up as best as he can, but with the shitty script he's been given and the lack of talent in the other actors, it's just too stupid and too cliche to enjoy. Somehow got 7 sequels, which I hear are even worse.

--House of the Dead (2003)
Shitty, shitty, shitty Uwe Boll movie about shooting zombies. It even recycles some footage from the arcade game of the same name... like, 15 different times. No joke, I lost count of how many times this movie took clips from the games. This is low-quality shithouse cinema here. Badly-written, badly-acted, disjointed, ugly, and worthwhile only for some unintentional laughs. Skip it.

--Scream (1996)
Parody of slasher flicks that plays with viewer expectations by presenting horror movie cliches, and alternatively fulfilling them or subverting them. Not as clever as it thinks it is; imagine you're watching a standard gore movie and the movie itself keeps pointing at elements of itself and mugging for the camera like Jay Leno after he bombs a joke. Yeah, I get it, you want to be Wes Craven's New Nightmare. If you want a smart commentary on horror movies, watch Rubber (2010) instead.

--The Witches (1990)
"A young boy stumbles onto a witch convention and must stop them, even after he has been turned into a mouse." Uses an excellent mixture of real mice and puppets, and the makeup on the witches themselves is fascinatingly ugly. It was decent, but I wish I had seen this as a kid so I could enjoy it as much as @coolboymew does. Oddly reminiscent of child trafficking rings, which of course Hollywood wouldn't know anything about. Got a remake in 2020 that no one saw.

--Dune (1984)
The famous sci-fi novel is too long and too dense to turn into a single 3-hour movie, but this is a good effort, and David Lynch created some interesting costumes and setpieces. The Guild Navigator is particularly grotesque, and Sting steals the show with his Speedos and low% body fat. Worth watching at least once in your life if you haven't already, but is completely incomprehensible gibberish if you haven't read the book. A confusing mess, but a fun confusing mess. 

--Breach (2007)
Biopic based on real-life events of an FBI agent who sold US secrets to the Soviet Union and the young agent who has to collect evidence on him. To say any more would be spoilers, but this is a movie that creates stress, in a good way. Worth a watch.

--Raging Bull (1980)
Biopic based on real-life boxer Jake LaMotta, who by all accounts was an absolute cunt. Robert DeNiro (back when he was correctly considered a superb actor) expertly plays the protagonist through his fucked up life of violence and strife, all tragically self-inflicted. The boxing scenes are vicious and bloody, but not half as much as the sadistic domestic violence scenes. Harsh and painful to watch, but all too believable. Excellent cinema, but not for pussies.

--Clue (1985)
A wealthy man is murdered in his mansion, and his six asshole guests are all suspects. Tim Curry runs around like a coked-up spastic on the set, making sure the audience is always entertained, but the rest of the cast are also amusing. The big titty maid stole the show for me, but keep in mind it's Dad writing this review. Has a clever script that allows for multiple possible endings... and they made all of the possible endings! Theaters in 1985 got a random ending, but home releases show them all, including a highly clever and grandiose ending that I suppose is canon. Based on the board game of the same name, unless you're a filthy Euro.

--Amagi: Brilliant Park (2014)
Comedy about a amusement park that's falling apart and on the verge of being shut down, despite the fact that half the people working at the park have supernatural powers. Takes a few episodes to reach its groove, but episodes 5-9 got some genuine laughs out of me, including an impostor episode that inspired me to play Being John Malkovich the following week. Also features tits. Mew and I briefly discuss it in this podcast episode: https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-53---Komi-San-Translation--Mister-Metkours-Manga-Recommendations--Handheld-Gaming-Devices--Mews-Christmas-Presents-e1ccp1h

--Mr. Bean's Holiday (2007)
Wholesome comedy about the titular dork getting lost in France and trying to help people he encounters, and wackiness ensues. Rowan Atkinson's character is nearly mute, but he's skilled enough at physical comedy to carry each scene. I didn't hate it.

--Being John Malkovich (1999)
Extremely dark comedy about some office workers who discover a method for taking over the body of actor John Malkovich (who has a long history IRL, though, much like the characters in the movie, I can't name anything he's acted in). Every character except Malkovich himself is a bonafide psychopath who will gladly hurt and destroy and kill to get a little bit ahead, but the way they keep backstabbing each other makes for one hell of a black comedy. I notice new things every time I rewatch this movie; the depths of human depravity and suffering it presents always manage to surprise me.

--Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Frank Oz directs this musical/horror/comedy about a giant singing plant and its attempts to manipulate the humans around it. I usually think musicals are for homos, but the songs are excellent and Audrey II (which required 20+ puppeteers in some scenes) is so eerily believable that it makes you think Rick Moranis is actually interacting with a plant monster straight out of a Mario game. But even the parts about the schlubby protagonist's normal life are fascinating. Has two completely different endings, and I like them both. Top-tier movie.

J--oyeux Noel (2005)
Historical fiction based on the Christmas Truce of 1914, the only good thing that happened in WW1. Similar to Unknown Soldier above, this is a winter war story, but in this one, most of the characters involved realize that war is retarded and decide to be friends, at least for one night. Oddly optimistic in the midst of absolute depravity; something that we all needed in Current Year Piss Earth.

--Black Christmas (1974)*
A very early slasher movie that can't make up its mind about if it wants to be a comedy or horror. Filthy in more ways than one, and very uneven, and not as interestingly bloody as 1980s slashers, but still strangely enjoyable. Margot Kidder steals the show as a drunken old aunt; every time her character took a drink, she took a drink IRL. The last few scenes honestly surprised me; definitely more than Scream (1997) did. Black Christmas almost deserves its "cult classic" status. Contains no black people.

--Jingle All the Way (1996)
Schwarzenegger plays a neglectful father who runs across the city to look for a specific toy for his boy. Everyone in the world except me seems to love this. Schwarzenegger is tolerable in a comedy role, but Sinbad is the least funny comedian to exist until Sarah Silverman first stepped on stage. I usually like Phil Hartman, but not here; his character is just annoying (and an adulterer besides), no matter how many times people quote this movie at me. The Star Wars kid ruins every scene he's in, and the bit with the fighting Santas in the factory was just abominable. Schwarzenegger being wacky saves this movie from being a complete turd, but I still don't ever want to watch it again. @ me and we can fight IRL.

--Wings of Honneamise (1987)
Humans have colonized another planet, but their space program has turned to shit, and only our stupid asshole protagonist wants to be an astronaut. This movie is a mixture between the Japanese enjoyment of relationship dramas and the US action movie craze of the 80s, which the writers must have thought would form an entertaining vessel for their characters. This movie is ok, but if you want cool motorcycles, watch Akira or Venus Wars. If you want cool airplanes, watch Porco Rosso. If you want cool space adventures, watch They Were 11. But if you want to sperg out about the specifics of preparing for space travel in a quasi-Cold War setting, this movie is for you. Good animation, but little else to offer.

--Apocalypse Now (1979, Redux version)
I made the mistake of playing the Redux, an extended 3+ hour cut of this otherwise great movie. All of the added scenes (the Playboy bunnies, the French plantation, reading the newspaper and other around-screwing near the end) are crap and were not worth including in this movie. Those added scenes feel like they're from a completely different movie; maybe not even a Vietnam War movie. If we ever watch the proper 2-hour version, I'll write a long review gushing over it, but the Redux is something you should avoid, even if it contains a good movie within its runtime.

--eXistenZ (1999)
Weird-ass mindfuck about people creating a VR game... in which the participants play another VR game. In which is another VR game. The characters in the movie, much like the audience, should be pretty well confused before long. Also contains some gross sexual imagery and body horror, just in case you forgot this was a David Cronenberg joint. Had the misfortune to come out a few weeks after The Matrix, which has much better action and visuals. Still, this is a great walk into a crazy man's mind, and I notice new things every time I watch it. Watch it!

--Bubblegum Crisis (1987)
Highly stylistic anime about young women with big fluffy 80s hair who fight evil robots that are literally called Boomers. The visuals and music are superb, but each episode is way too damn long, resulting in a lot of wasted time and boring parts between the slick action sequences and CGDGT. If you must watch it, watch it for the aesthetics, but don't get your hopes up too much; the story is crap and the pacing sucks. Grab the music here https://archive.org/download/mechaostarchive2020 and listen to me, @coolboymew, and @Fullmetal4456@poa.st talk about it here: https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-56---Mews-Best-Anime-of-2021--Part-1-and-Bubblegum-Crisis-e1d7pq6

--This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Classic mockumentary about a (mostly fictional) cheesy 80s metal band that gets into retarded mischief as they tour the retarded world, compose retarded new music, deal with retarded music industry people, and generally act like loveable (???) buffoons. The lead actors have a bit of genuine experience as musicians, and play their own instruments, which makes the diegetic music in this movie entertaingly janky. The band's antics are so believably embarassing, so similar to IRL bands' fuckups, that some real-life rock/metal musicians thought the movie was real at first. The IMDB trivia page is just as fun as the movie itself: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088258/trivia/

--Waterworld (1995)
In an alternate universe where global warming is real, Kevin Costner plays a fish-man who explores a world covered entirely in salt water so he can scavenge loot to trade with the few surviving humans. Dennis Hopper hams it up as a villainous gas-guzzling bandit king, and there's even a guy in a homemade copter like in The Road Warrior. Has mediocre acting and some stupid moments, but a decent action flick. A bit underrated, but not a trillionth as good as The Road Warrior.

--Twilight (2008)
Cliche-filled wangst about vampires and the stupid teenagers that love them. I don't know why @moon asked me to play this, and I don't know why he liked it. At least the movie version doesn't have to have Stephanie Meyer's abominable prose dragging it down. My opinion? Watch Interview With The Vampire or play Vampire: The Masquerade instead.

--The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
A group of annoying 20-somethings travel the American countryside, and things get worse. Does an excellent job of building tension so when shit really gets violent, it feels like the genuine mishaps of some unlucky young dumbasses. There is some 70s goofiness, to be sure, but the final scenes (which I won't spoil) are truly timeless and terrifying. This is one eternal horror movie to rewatch every few years; it holds up quite well. Received over 9000 sequels and remakes, all of which you should ignore.

--Zoolander (2001)
Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller play a pair of arrogant fashion models who do wacky things. It's stupid and it knows it, but it got a few cheap laughs out of me. Probably better than any comedy movie from the past 15 years. Resulted in one meme that is still used today.

--Indecent Proposal (1993)
Drama about a young married couple that receive a lewd offer from a billionaire in Las Vegas: let him fuck the wife, and he'll pay them a million dollars. Large portions of the movie focus on the couple agonizing over taking the deal, which is immoral by their standards, and also immoral by the standards of most 1993 viewers. Would not work in today's Clown World; married couples today will cuckold themselves for Instagram votes, let alone lots of money. But if you have any sexual morality at all, this movie offers an interesting dilemma.

--The Nutty Professor (1996)
Eddie Murphy plays multiple roles in this comedy about a fat scientist who invents a serum that makes him both skinny and bold. Murphy has the time of his life playing half of the cast here; he's never been happier being both a timid fatso and the assholes who abuse him. Your enjoyment of this movie depends on how much you can stand Murphy spazzing out like a demented tarbaby. Also features a pre-superstardom Dave Chappelle as a stand-up comedian who pesters several of Murphy's characters at a Dem Comedy Jam.

--Space is the Place (1974)
Weird-ass jazz musician Sun-Ra writes and stars in this acid trip about KANG aliens that come to Earth to bring us music and mystical wisdom. Sun-Ra--both in this movie and IRL--is either a mad genius or completely retarded. I honestly can't tell, and that's probably the point. This movie is utterly insane and incomprehensible, just like the best 70s music. Watch it and have your mind blown... or maybe you'll be completely bored, I dunno. But if you enjoy weird 70s shit, this is your shit.

--Snow on tha Bluff (2011)
Found-footage style movie about black ghetto dwellers being dumb violent criminals. Feels too real for me; I've been in these situations before and escaped as fast I could. Chat hated this movie, so they quickly voteskipped to watch the next movie, which was much better.

--Zulu (1964)
Fantastically directed and acted movie about the 1879 battle between British soldiers and the local Zulus. Builds up the white characters quite well so it hurts the viewer when they enter the brutal action sequences, and is surprisingly respectful towards the native Africans. Largely historically accurate, give and take a few character motivations, but still quite enjoyable. Considered a classic war movie for a good reason. Look out for the young Michael Caine.

--Ray (2004)
Jamie Foxx plays the famous blind pianist and singer Ray Charles with gusto in this heavily fictionalized biopic. Foxx pours his soul into this performance, even busting his ass learning to play piano for the verisimilitude of it all, and it does not shy away from Charles' problems with heroin and adultery. Unfortunately, this movie lies a lot, both to attack white people as a whole (the real Charles mostly faced adoring white audiences) and some baffling changes from reality, like the way his little brother died. Seriously, read this and tell me the way his brother drowned IRL wouldn't be more dramatic than the stupid way the movie made it out to be: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_(film)#Differences_from_noted_events. I enjoyed this movie for its performances and setpieces, but the constant slander towards mean ol' whitey turned me off.

--Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
More Eddie Murphy wackiness! Here he plays a smooth-talking cop who bullshits his way onto crime scenes and into people's houses to try to solve a series of robberies. Like most movie cops, nobody follows procedure, and nothing is even slightly realistic, but who gives a shit unless you're dumb enough to think movies are real. Fuck it, this is fun. Has an Angry Police Chief, of course.

--Undercover Brother (2002)
Eddie Griffin stars in this spy movie parody about a team of black secret agents who try to find out who sabotaged a black US presidential candidate's campaign (ironic, given how much the IRL political establishment would kiss Obama's ass from 2007-2016). Almost as good at skewering spy movie tropes as Austin Powers, but is blacker, and therefore funkier. Neil Patrick Harris as the token white guy also got some genuine laughs out of me. Recommended.

--Tales from the Hood (1995)
Horror anthology about (sigh...) evil whites oppressing saintly blacks. Except the final segment, which is bizarrely willing to honestly examine black crime and blame the black criminals themselves instead of a vague "the system". This movie also has a clumsy framing device about an old funeral director telling the stories to some young punks who clearly don't give a shit, but the final segment and epilogue is the real reason to watch this. SHEEEEEEEEEIT!

--Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Heist Month kicked off with this early Tarantino crime flick about a gang of bank robbers who fucked up in a major way and need to escape, possibly to a hospital (one character spends a good portion of the movie bleeding to death on the floor of their hideout). The main cast all have unique personalities and get in some good lines during their Seinfeldian conversations, and no one can forget the torture scene, but there's something lacking, and I don't just mean foot fetishism. Reservoir Dogs feels like a demo version of Pulp Fiction, minus the weird presentation and jumbled timeline. Still decent, but not essential crime flick watching.

--Ocean's Eleven (1960)
The biggest stars of its time--Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and more--play a gang of sophisticated thieves who plot an enormous Last Vegas heist. Makes good use of all of the characters, as their skills are essential for the heist, but of course there are always complications during this movie's long runtime. Feels a bit empty outside of the dazzling cast of characters, but this movie was electrifying by 1960 standards. Still good.

--Lupin III - The Castle of Cagliostro (1979)
Hayao Miyazaki directs the famous fictional thief in this gorgeously lush movie. Surprisingly tame by Lupin standards, but still top-tier viewing. Listen to me, @coolboymew, @Fullmetal4456@poa.st discuss it (for a bit, most of the episode is about ultra-violent porn cartoons) here: https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-63---Dads-Anime-History--Part-4-1987-1988-Lupin-III---Castle-of-Cagliostro-Disciple-of-the-Lich-book-2-Slayers-Light-Novels-Atelier-Ryza-2-SJWs-Whining-About-Anime-e1fsr03

--Red Dawn (1984)
Dirty commies attack AMERICA, FUCK YEAH on its own soil, so a gang of teenagers use guerilla warfare to fight back against the Soviet invaders. Unabashedly pro-war, which pissed off the movie's producers, who thought it would be an anti-war movie. Ridiculous plot, but as a burgerlard, bustin' commies makes me feel good. Not a heist movie, but @moon requested it in honor of the March 2022 Ukraine war. We all need a pick-me-up in these dark times.

--The Italian Job (1969)
British/Italian heist movie where Michael Caine, Noel Coward, and Benny Hill try to steal a big shipment of gold from some dagos who know full well what is coming. Has a lot of fascinating visuals, cool cars, and a unique ending. I haven't seen the remake, so I can't compare the two.

--The War Wagon (1967)
Standard John Wayne Western where he plays a thief attempting to rob a gold shipment from a tank/cart that's protected by heavy metal plating and a gatling gun. In a post-TGTBATU world, how can you make a regular Western without deconstructing the genre? By being John Wayne and putting your heart into it. The man was synonymous with Western movies for a good reason; his charismatic presence saves this mediocre movie and upgrades it to okay.

--Inception (2010)
DiCaprio is a spy who uses unstable new technology to enter peoples' dreams and plant ideas in them, for a price. Inception is like eXistenZ with a higher budget. It proves that DiCaprio can still act, and Ellen Page (before she cut her tits off) can, too. This movie takes complicated subjects and renders them easy to understand for normies, while still provoking thoughts in the less retarded viewers. The set pieces are magnificent mixtures of reality and computer tech... just like the idea of inception itself. Still holds up, no matter how much it's been memed.

--Lupin III - The Fuma Conspiracy (1987)
One of the lesser Lupin III movies. Needed more Fujiko nudity.

--The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)
A shitpost of a movie starring Robocop as a scientist/physicist/racer/rock star/astronaut who saves the planet from alien invaders all named John. Goofy as hell and proud of it; every character has a stupid name, every plot point is so stupid it seems improvised, and every scene has little weird things in it designed to make you laugh, and which usually do. It's like a moronic student film that got a somewhat higher budget. Features some actors that would later become bigger stars: Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Lloyd, John Lithgow, all hamming it up. They knew that the movie they were in was ridiculous.

--Repo Man (1984)
A snotty young man gets a universally despised job: repossessing cars after their owners fail to make payments to the bank. He does do this, but things get weirder. And weirder. And REALLY weirder. I won't spoil it, but this movie constantly surprised me with its combination "small town assholes/big government oppression" themes. The green-glowing CIA agents who appear at one point may have inspired a certain schizophrenic programmer. As a former snotty young man, I loved the prickish protagonist, but he may irritate some. Has a 2008 comic sequel that I really need to read.

--The Brothers McMullen (1995)
Character study about three Catholic brothers and their problematic romantic lives. Features a lot of stressful domestic arguments (which I know @moon hates; he tends to walk on out movies with that theme) but nothing compared to the fucked up family fights you'd see in Raging Bull or Goodfellas. Not very good overall. @313Chris@freespeechextremist.com recommended this, for which you should call him rude names.

--Fight, Zatoichi, Fight (1964)
The legendary blind swordsman kills a bunch of dudes who try to stop him from carrying a baby across feudal Japan to the baby's alleged father. Fascinating visuals and lots of action, which is more than you can say about most movies from the 60s.

--Look Who's Back (2015)
The other Hitler meme movie. Clumsily imitates Borat with a mixture of scripted sequences (like a regular movie) and IRL interactions with people on the streets (like a documentary). This version of Hitler is frankly dumber and less interesting than the real one; he's a petty asshole who starts arguments for no reason, makes slightly-edgy speeches, and kills dogs (though the real Hitler was famously a dog lover). Contains a laughable message "these cuckservatives marching to protest minor inconveniences could destroy us all!" that only makes sense if you're a shitlib or a German. Not as good as Downfall or Network, and not as funny or clever as it thinks it is. 

--Half Baked (1998)
Dave Chappelle stars in a DUDE WEED LMAO comedy that is explicitly about weed, the munchies, dude weed, and more weed. Amusing, though very shallow, and portrays stoner culture as (almost) as annoying as it is in reality. Weed.

--Arrival (2016)
Aliens come to earth in strange-looking upright hemisphere ships. A professor of languages is part of a group assigned to speak to the aliens in an attempt to gain mutual understanding. Arrival has a heavy emphasis on linguistics--rare in a mainstream big-budget movie--in addition to culture clashes and the barbaric nature of humans (which are more common themes). The effort put into the aliens, their biology and language, is what sets Arrival apart from other first-contact stories. Watch it without spoilers; it's good. I need to rewatch it.

--The Protector 2 (2013)
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ELEPHANT?!?!?! part two. Not as utterly insane as the first one, but still has some great action sequences and memorably ridiculous characters. As always, Tony Jaa's acrobatic performances are legendary, though of course the plot is thinner than my hairline and you only care about the next battle. The fight on the electrified subway tracks is a standout, and watching a grown man fight two little girls who are trying to kill him with punches (a 100% serious scene) is... uh... unique. A solid Muay Thai flick.

--The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
--The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
--The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
It's a miracle that these movies got made, another miracle that gore-flick schlockmeister Peter Jackson got his shit together to direct them, and a third miracle that they turned out so damn good. An endless fountain of memes to this day, simply because millions of people keep re-watching them. All three are unquestionably superb films, from the final days when Hollywood was allowed to make good movies. Fellowship is my favorite, but I'll gladly defend almost any choice in this trilogy; only the never-ending endings from ROTK are a truly annoying element. Most highly recommended, whether you've read the novels or not, and whether you like fantasy or not. Some of the best films in history.

--Meet the Feebles (1989)
Remember when Peter Jackson was (in)famous for making dumbass comedies and gore flicks? This is one of his dumbass comedies. This is The Aristocrats, Muppet version: a depraved gross-out shitfest where puppets routinely fuck, do drugs, and kill each other. An extremely dark comedy where every character is a horrible cunt, except they are also puppets. The comedy derives from the extremely nasty situations and personalities, and it does good work baffling the viewer with its madness.

--Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Babies are annoying. Wouldn't you rather stick things up your butt instead of babysitting? Average acting and a contrived plot earned this gay-ass movie a bunch of awards, but that doesn't make it enjoyable for sane healthy people. It tries to make gayness seem exotic and exciting, but also portrays it as destructive to families. The message of this movie? Babies are bad, marriage is bad, poopdick is good. If I wanted gay anti-natalist propaganda, I'd go to Reddit. It's a movie about gay cowboys, but the gayness is mostly irrelevant. It's just about neglect, lies, being different, etc. I'll say one good thing about this movie: it does a good job of showing the mild disgust most people have for homos. A morally repugnant mediocrity.

--Children of Men (2006)
18 years ago, women stopped getting pregnant, and the world knows it will end before long. I didn't know this movie was going to be so anti-white before posting it. I heard the premise and thought it would be a good hetero movie to make up for the previous week. Children of Men takes place in an imaginary fantasy England that actually arrests illegal immigrants. England is the last bastion of whiteness in this movie, fukken lawl. Amazingly out-of-touch Negrophilic propaganda where all evil people are white, all good people are black or brown, and the future of humanity depends (of fucking course) on a sacred negress. Whites need to step aside for their new replacements. This feels like a plot /pol/ would make as a satire. They had the potential to make a good dystopia movie, but in standard Luciferian fashion, deliberately created something the opposite of the truth. Horrible message, blatant lies about reality, stupid script, wooden acting, unbelievable character behavior. Irredeemable Globohomo dog shit. Avoid, unless you want to get angry at the stupid script full of ridiculous lies.

--Weird Science (1985)
This is more like it. Good old-fashioned raunch. I remember being a horny teenager and this movie gets the feeling down perfectly.

--The Blues Brothers (1980)
Two pathetic-yet-cool slacker musician/scammers engage in a series of moronic plots to raise money to rescue the orphanage where they were raised. These deuteragonists are incredibly charming and slimy; I've met people like this throughout my life. But this movie plays their selfish prickery for comedy, and it ramps up the cartoonishness with each scene. By the end it's turned into live-action Looney Tunes with car chases and explosions, but it feels natural all the way through and never stops entertaining. Features many famous black musicians like Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin, who provide our white leads with the soul they need to succeed on the stage. Oh, and the Nazi subplot was obviously added to keep the producers satisfied.

--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
This movie tries to be an epic mindfuck that "makes you think", but it's inferior to Total Recall, Inception, eXistenZ. Hell, even Arrival does memory fuckery better than this movie. I get what it was trying to do, but so many other movies (before and after) did what it does better. Eternal Sunshine is more interesting than the usual love story, but it's still not a very enjoyable one. Jim Carrey should stick to being wacky.

--Tread (2020)
The real-life story of a muffler shop owner and the worthless small-town bureaucrats who fucked him over until he took justice into his own hands (like a chad). This documentary takes the side of the city leaders, but it accidentally makes Heemeyer look quite sympathetic.

--Taxi Driver (1976)
Robert De Niro plays a confused and frustrated young man in an absolutely filth-encrusted New York City. This movie is slow-paced, but it's never boring, because the sperginess of Travis Bickle and the shittiness of the city is always amusing. The NYC presented in this movie is (from what I've heard) quite accurate to how violent and disgusting the city was in that decade. Way, way, way better movie than Joker.

--1776 (1972)
A 3-hour musical about America's founding fathers. Probably better at teaching American history than any textbook. Has lots of low-level swearing.

--Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Good science fiction should use unique settings and situations to explore psychology and morality in a way that wouldn't be feasible in a current-year era. I never watched Star Trek as a kid; it was too slow and cerebral for my ADD brain. But as an adult, I appreciate thought-provoking scripts like this more and more.

--The Powerpuff Girls Movie (2002)
Shockingly wholesome; this kind of entertainment is non-existent in the current year. And provides an important lessons about not automatically trusting everyone who claims to be in need of help. Also serves as a good introduction to the TV series.

--Cool World (1992)
Ralph Bakshi insists that this movie's fuckups are not his fault; he didn't want to make a Roger Rabbit ripoff. And I believe him, since he's been mixing perverted cartoons with live-action since 1972. But this movie is not good. Every scene is a confusing mess that feels like multiple movie scripts were jammed together like two incompatible fetishes, and the end result is a pile of awkward tedium. Cool World has nice sets and backgrounds, if nothing else. And there really is nothing else. I thought the young Brad Pitt was Vanilla Ice when I saw this movie as a kid.

--Spelunker Is a Teacher (2011)
The spelunker is a worthless twat who dies when anything brushes against him. Comedy ensues. Based on the old Famicom game, which is strangely popular with the Japanese, even though that game sucked. I did play that same game as a kid, so I got a few cheap laughs out of this 1-episode anime.

--The Bullet Train (1975)
The Japanese movie that Speed ripped off. This one is better.

--Riding Bean (1989)
Proto-Gunsmith Cats anime OAV about a dude who drives a kickass car, goes on smuggling jobs, and gets into lots of gun fights. Extremely high quality animation on the vehicles and guns, though it's weird to see a white Rally.

--Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)
A sequel no one asked for, this is another sci-fi story full of sex and violence. The animation and music are not as good as the 1981 movie. The only saving grace is the cartoonishly evil villain, played by a hammy Michael Ironside. Not that good, but charming in its own clunky way.

--No Game No Life Zero (2017)
--Love Live! The School Idol Movie (2015)
--Fist of the North Star (1986)
--Venus Wars (1989)
We talk about these anime movies here. I liked two of them. https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-80---Mews-Virgin-Movie-Choices-vs--Dads-Chad-Violent-80s-Cartoons-Xenoblade-3-Who-Would-Have-Thought-That-Hentai-Artists-Would-Be-Disgusting-Dads-Anime-History--Part-13-2004-2006-Alm-e1mma3p

--Gantz: O (2016)
I liked it. Better than the arc of the manga it's based on, with astonishingly good CG on top of that. https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-81---Dads-Anime-History--Part-14-2007-2009-END-Venus-Wars--Gantz-O-Ninja-Jajamaaru-Kun-100-Girlfriends-Manga-Pokemon-Emerald-Kaizo-e1mvcls

--Spirited Away (2001)
A girl travels through forgotten paths in rural Japanese that lead her into a mystical land full of Packed to the kappa's asshole with Japanese mythology. Arguably Miyazki's best movie, though I think Nausicaa edges it out. 

--Iria: Zeiram The Animation (1994)
--Ranma ½: Nihao My Concubine (1992)
--Oni (1972)
--Angel's Egg (1985)
--Is It Wrong to Expect a Hot Spring in a Dungeon? (2016)
--Black Magic M-66 (1987)
Listen to us talk about these on our podcast: https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-83---Shitposters-Anime-Night-Love-Live--School-Idol-Project-Ultraman-Decker-Dragon-Ball-Super-Hero-With-Spoilers-At-End-e1nim3s

--Ghost in the Shell (1995)
Not as good as the manga or Stand Alone Complex, but has its moments, like the intense detail of the mechanical parts when Motoko rips apart her cyber-arm trying to pull the lid off the tank. Discussed on my podcast.

--Voices of a Distant Star (2002)
Animated short about aliens invade that the Earth, and a teenaged girl is called to pilot one of many giant robots to go fight them, but her boyfriend grows old on Earth while she travels to space at relativistic speeds. Not that good when viewed on its face, but becomes much more impressive when you lerarn that it was made entirely by one supremely devoted Jap. 

--Shin Godzilla (2016)
The Evangelion guy directed this live-action movie that is more about bureaucracies than about giant monsters. Those expecting to see lots of Godzilla destroying shit will be disappointed. I sure was!

--Godzilla (1954)
This is not a kaiju movie, this is a character study with a kaiju rampage going on in the background. The creators knew their monster effects looked shitty even by 1950s standards, so they instead chose to focus on a scientist character who knows how to stop Godzilla but fears the apocalyptic nightmare that will probably result if he makes the technology available. Again, the original Godzilla is not an action movie, it's a thought-provoking science fiction story, and it's a good one. I wasn't expecting this, but I enjoyed it.

--Billy Madison (1995)
The first in a long series of "Adam Sandler acts retarded and wins everything anyway" movies. Either you can tolerate his antics or you can't, but this movie made Sandler's career a mega-successful one.

--Reign Over Me (2007)
Adam Sandler plays a serious role as an unstable shut-in whose wife and kids died on 9/11 and he has to suffer from the effects. It's an interesting idea: take the wacky movie Sandler character and put him in a serious situation. This movie surprised me with how good the interplay between Sandler and Don Cheadle was. It also has some other noteworthy elements, like the vidya product placement and the non-retarded references to 9/11.

--Final Destination (2000)
When Rube Goldberg wants to kill you. This movie is constructed like a horror movie, but the elaborate coincidental death traps make it comedic. The characters don't matter, the setting doesn't matter. You're here for the kills and almost-kills. And it still feels like the 90s, so poz levels are very low and it feels more innocent somehow. A bloody horror/comedy that feels strangely wholesome, and amusing all the way through. I dig it.

--Bordello of Blood (1996)
Tales From the Crypt presents: Dennis Miller playing a sarcastic private detective who investigates a house of vampire prostitutes. Exploitative, trashy, and self-aware before self-awareness became trite. You can take it as a 90s parody of vampire story that is also a vampire story, but those were already getting increasingly ridiculous with the likes of Fright Night. So your enjoyment is equal to how much you enjoy Miller's wise-ass attitude and comedy style. I like him... somewhat.

--Final Destination 2 (2003)
Ramps up the violent, coincidental deaths, and remains funnier than it is horrific. Chat had a blast laughing at its deliberate goofiness. Definite movie party material.

--Jeepers Creepers (2001)
A brother and sister see interesting things in rural America, and things get weirder. The first half excellently builds tension, but the second half is a generic monster movie that doesn't live up to its potential. Still, this is a worthwhile endeavor. And yes, I know the director is a pedophile, but he's not as good a horror movie director as fellow Hollywood pedophile Roman Polanski.

--Interview With the Vampire (1994)
Top-tier character study about a vamp who doesn't want to be quite as monstrous as his fellow undead. Brad Pitt plays the protagonist who appreciates immortality for encapsulating eternal beauty but who doesn't want to become as morally repugnant as the one who granted it to him. Tom Cruise (everyone is beautiful in this movie) plays a maniacal libertine who sees vampiredom as an excuse to be an asshole for his own personal pleasure. The interplay between the two personalities makes for a fascinating and memorable story, and I won't spoil any of the cool stuff that happens. I loved it, chat loved it. Watch, even if you don't care about vampire lore--this is simply a magnificent movie.

--Nosferatu (1922)
A wealthy aristocrat menaces a real estate agent and--eventually--the whole town. Silent but deadly. Surprisingly modern; I wasn't expecting to see microscopes. The "hand shadows on the wall" scene is legendary. The oldest movie we've played on SPC Movie Night; this was probably unspeakably horrifying to viewers at the time, but still holds up well.

--Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Does not contain the Michael Myers character, but still decently spooby. John Carpenter produced this, was an uncredited writer, and the music sounds like his work. It feels like a demo version of They Live with its "society is controlled by a malicious conspiracy of people who look like you" which you shouldn't ask questions about if you want to keep your bank account. Also, this movie slanders the Irish people. Begorrah, tis another potato famine!

--Vampires (1998)
James Woods leads a team of Vampire Hunters as they... hunt vampires. Dumb and fun. This is the first vampire movie I can think of that has the characters discuss the classic vampire weaknesses, and which ones actually work. Not as good as From Dusk till Dawn, which came out around the same time.

--A Clockwork Orange (1971)
You've probably seen this already, which saves me from having to write 10 paragraphs explaining all the cool shit. It's good, but still disturbing over 50 years later.

--Dracula (1992)
BLAH! You know the story, but this version adds some cool visuals, and some stupid ones. Spooky music and unsettling audio set the mood. Pointless bisexual sex scenes. Van Helsing in this movie is a pure autist who fucks up every social interaction; he's great. Tom Waits also plays an entertainingly insane Renfield. Despite all the added flourishes, this movie is largely accurate to the novel, for good or ill; it's too slow in the middle, but so was the book. The sine wave of ups and downs in quality leads to an overall average movie. Watch it for the rad setpieces and costumes.

--The Thing From Another World (1951)
Exactly the kind of cheesy monochrome horror movie you'd expect from the release date. OK for its time, but I'm glad it got remade in 1982.

--House of Wax (1953)
--House of Wax (2005)
Missed these. Sorry, @why, but I couldn't stay awake for 24 hours straight.

--Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Really slow and not scary by today's standards, but I recognize it as an important touchstone in horror movies. Probably the first media to suggest that evil humans are more dangerous than zombies.

--Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Faster pace, faster camera cuts, faster zombies. A much more modern zombie flick. The scenes where a group of survivors barricade themselves in a mall, talk over a distance to other people struggling to survive, and try to get equipment running are all great fuel for survivalist fantasies, and no doubt inspired other zombie media like Dead Rising. The characters all do stupid things to make the audience feel smarter, but that happens in almost every horror movie. Good start to finish.

--My Bloody Valentine (1981)
--My Bloody Valentine (2009)
--Friday the 13th (2009)
Missed these.

--The Evil Dead	(1981)
Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi begin their careers with a story about a group of teenagers who encounter spooky shit in cabin in the woods. This is a plain horror film, not the horror-tinged comedy the franchise would later become known for. Definitely cheesy, but it's dangerously cheesy, as Raimi formed a great team of actors, musicians, artists, and puppeteers to craft this little nugget of the undead, evil books, and rapey trees. Worth re-watching every few years.

--Evil Dead	(2013)
Never seen it.

--The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Inferior to the original. Worth watching only if you want to see a very old R. Lee Ermey screaming for a few scenes. I once met a dumb Canadian who thought the very last murder scene was real. Ha!

--Poltergeist (1982)
Tobe Hooper-directed and Spielberg-funded horror movie about a haunted house... but it's by far the best haunted house movie. It does a phenomenal job of building tension and then fulfilling your expectations in ways I won't spoil, though you probably know about some of them from pop culture osmosis, such as the parody on The Simpsons. The themes of child abduction combined with the thrilling action sequences make this a movie I'll never forget. And somehow they found a little girl with a talent for acting; it's too bad she died shortly after this movie was finished. Strongly recommended.

--Aloha (2015)
@xue@freespeechextremist.com recommended this, knowing full well that it sucks. Chat voted to skip it after 15 minutes. He insisted that it becomes interestingly bad, but no one wanted to watch that shit.

--The Crow (1994)
A retarded imitation of Batman, Punisher, Ghost Rider, Robocop, etc. mixed with Hot Topic. Mostly noteworthy for the fact that its lead actor died in an accident while filming than for anything inside the movie itself. This movie is a derivative badly-made mess that pretends to be "artistic" and "moody" but is really just derivative and dumb. Also, the music sucked. Only watch if you want to laugh at some 1990s edginess, or if you want to see a brief scene with an Angry Police Chief. If you want a dark superhero with vague psychic powers, watch Unbreakable instead. If you want a better movie with a villain who talks like the Cookie Monster, watch Highlander instead. If you want better 1990s edge, watch Blade instead.

--Videodrome (1983)
Trippy mindfuck about the interplay between television, dream, fantasy, reality, and some other weird shit. TV in 1983 was so violent and sexualized that it led to the creation of this movie to criticize it. In 1983. Not quite as good as eXistenZ, but covers a lot of the same bases. It was good, but I need to rewatch it sometime to understand the deliberately confusing plot structure and notice all the little bits of fucked up technology.

--Hot Shots! (1991)
Charlie Sheen stars in a parody of Top Gun that is better in almost every way; it even has a more coherent story. It's funny. Fuck you, it's hard to review comedies. Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker will be spared when it comes time to purge Hollywood of its evils.

--The Right Stuff (1983)
Like a non-retarded Top Gun. The Movie Night chat was full of people lamenting that the United States in the current year is stupider and more diverse than in the 40s and 50s when this movie takes place. I wish I had seen this movie when I was a kid and still had faith in America. To enjoy this movie, you have to care about space travel and/or the Cold War, but it is well-crafted for what it is. Too long.

--BASEketball (1998)
The South Park guys make a live-action movie where their characters create a sport that is a combination of basketball free throws and being gross/irritating to psych out the other team's free throws. Better than most low-brow comedies, and makes good use of Robert Stack. There are a few South Park references, but they aren't in your face like you might expect. Good shit.

--Major Payne (1995)
Kindergarten Cop ripoff in a military school setting. Damon Wayans pretends to be tough and talk in an annoying raspy squeak while he makes PG-rated insults towards a diverse group of cadets. This movie is still a mess; it is clearly is supposed to be just a 5 minute skit on In Living Color, but it was taken way too far. It starts as a comedy but it adds character development and tries to be serious at points, which was a major mistake. It also makes fun of cross-dressers in the military, which would get it into hot water today. But not the dirty jokes. Too dirty to be a kids' movie; there's even a song about "popping coochies" at one point. Weird, and not good, but some people in chat liked it.

--DragonHeart (1996)
Dennis Quaid plays a Middle Ages knight who works as a slayer of dragons until the last of that species (voiced by Sean Connery) convinces him that they should work together for the phat lewt. Has some crappy 90s CG, but the plot is a (dragon)heartwarming one. And the performances are all great; Quaid does a believable change of character, Connery feels as ancient-but-not-giving-up-on-life as his character is, and David Thewlis plays a great scumbag king. There's a womyn who fights in battle, but she's physically weak and understandably inept at combat, which is another element of this movie that adds even more verisimilitude. Underrated movie; watch it!

--Patlabor the Movie (1989)
Listen to my podcast. https://anchor.fm/dad-spc/episodes/Episode-94---Patlabor-the-Movie-Binge-vs-Weekly-Watch-Fullmetals-Best-Anime-List--Part-7-e1s0os1

--Miami Vice (1984, S01E01)
@thomasroiloup@poa.st recommended the series pilot of this TV series that spawned a million vaporwave memes. This is not only entertaining in its own right, but this movie-length pilot is a superb time capsule of the 80s: a better time in some ways, and worse in other ways, but said decade was different enough from the Current Year that it feels completely alien to viewers today. You will never hunt drug dealers/be a drug dealer in 1980s Miami; feels bad, man. This was so much fun that I should watch the whole series.

--Dark Dungeons (2014)
Ironic mockery of the famous anti-D&D tract by protestant Jack Chick, who was still alive (albeit really old) when this was made. I didn't like it. Irony is overrated and sincerity is valuable. This movie would have been way better as a 1:1 adaptation of the comic that you couldn't tell if it was sincere or not. At least it was short!

--Call Me Tonight (1986)
Porn cartoon about phone sex, masturbation, and monsters. Giant fluffy 80s anime hairdos abound. There's a scene where a guy ejaculates with the power of a supernova. Horniness turns people into literal monsters (a metaphor for post-nut clarity?). And I was not expecting a reference to Galaxy of Terror. If I saw this as a kid it probably would have given me different fetishes than what I have now.